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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Guy said i'm not challenging enough

23 replies

walker05 · 08/09/2019 14:23

It was someone I did my Masters with and we ended up back in touch a couple of years later, I was 27 and him 25.
He seemed to fancy me from the beginning, telling me I 'should be a model' and how pretty I was.
I was actually living abroad at the time but was due to go home a few weeks later. We were in contact every day, having in-depth chats and he was telling me how 'amazing " i was.
After our date, we said we liked each other and carried on seeing each other.
He stayed over on the 4th date.
Red flags: calling me' gorgeous ' in almost every line of his messages,' hey gorgeous, have you had a good day gorgeous '.

Asked him if he fancied a day trip to a big city about an hour from us. He froze and acted like id just asked him to marry me, and just said nothing.

Boasting about sexual escapades in his past.

Came to stay over without a toothbrush or anything, even though it was planned.
I had to go back abroad for a couple of months and he told me he was 'serious about me' and '100% wanted to be with me'. And how it felt so 'natural'.

We said we would see how long distance went and he planned to visit (i was 1h30 away).

He looked at flights but said this particular time was too expensive. I ended up coming back 1 weekend because my suitcase was lost and I came to get more clothes etc.

We had a fantastic date where he seemed really into me. Then, i could sense the change as soon as he dropped me off.
He stopped using any affection in messages, taking days to reply, avoided chat of future plans.

It was literally an overnight change, but he hadnt been weird at all on the date.
I put it down to him being stressed at work but after a few weeks i knew something was up.

I had booked my flight back and it was also his birthday so we talked about plans.
I eventually confronted him and he dumped me on Facebook even though we were meant to be meeting. He said I was lovely but he 'needed to be more challenged' but he 'reassured me' by saying i was 'really hot ".
I replied' oh well that's ok then isnt it 🙄' and called him a pussy for dumping me online, which he didnt react well to.

I didnt agree with everything he said, i wasnt' too available ' as it was an LDR, and he wasnt exactly' challenging' to me.

I then found out via Instagram hed met someone else a week later through OLD, meaning he had probs been looking before it was over with me.

I know he just wasnt the right guy but I dont understand how he could have suddenly changed his mind overnight, and how I can be more 'challenging'. I thought these kind of games were more for players who didnt want anything serious. Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
walker05 · 08/09/2019 14:25

I saw him roughly once every 10 days whilst I was home, his favourite saying was that he would try to 'move stuff around' to see me.

OP posts:
HattieMcNastie · 08/09/2019 14:28

Why do you care?

He's an arsehole and you're well rid.

Block him and move on.

Don't waste anymore headspace on this game playing little boy.

Raffles1981 · 08/09/2019 14:28

He sounds like a narcissistic twat. You have spotted the red flags, take it as a lesson learned and stay away from him. Sounds like he could be in the habit of dumping and then coming back when he gets bored. He's intense, blamed you for not "challenging" him enough - there is no future. My narc ex husband had some of these traits. He will not give you what you want. Men like him never change. If you cut him off now, ignore, ignore and ignore - he will get bored and give up.

Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2019 14:31

Umm...
He.IS.a.player.

Google 'narcissist love bombing' too as it sounds like he did that.

Didiusfalco · 08/09/2019 14:34

He’s an arsehole who moved on to someone else while still stringing you on. Lucky escape for you.

milliefiori · 08/09/2019 14:36

A great test of a man is how he reacts when you take the initiative and suggest something. If he's a tosser and a waster, he'll freeze, because you are not human in his eyes, you are a mere dolly for him to play with. A real, grown human woman with desires and suggestions of her own has him caught like a rabbit in the headlights, just as he was.

Next man you date, test him with this and if he freezes, ditch him.

Highandlow · 08/09/2019 14:45

He sounds horrible and you are well rid of him .

Mimithemouse · 08/09/2019 14:57

What was your Masters subject?

walker05 · 08/09/2019 14:59

Thanks for the replies ! I was expecting to be told that i needed to be more of a challenge but this reassures me.
It is in my nature to be nice and I think this had me worried that other guys would say the same thing, but now I know he just wasn't the right person.
I heard a saying that we are attracted to what is familiar to us, not what is good for us.

OP posts:
walker05 · 08/09/2019 14:59

Education !

OP posts:
ellzebellze · 08/09/2019 15:03

It's not you, it's him.

Croquembou · 08/09/2019 15:04

He said I was lovely but he 'needed to be more challenged'

My eyes just rolled into my head. You're so well-rid OP. Go be lovely and extremely hot with someone who deserves you.

walker05 · 08/09/2019 15:08

Thanks, genuinely feel a lot better from this :)

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 08/09/2019 15:08

He is challenged, emotionally

Step away from the creep.

aliceneedswine · 08/09/2019 15:36

Wow! That guy is such a dick!

walker05 · 08/09/2019 16:19

This has helped me to see him for what he is :)

OP posts:
cacklingmags · 08/09/2019 16:39

He is a narcissistic love bombing knob and you a very well out of it. He could not leave without trying to make you feel bad about yourself - well fuck him - the best revenge is to live well.

walker05 · 08/09/2019 16:44

Yeah :) it just wasnt a very nice thing to say. He told me it was nothing I had done, he just 'needed to be battled'.
Another red flag, his ex was a 'crazy stalker' apparently 🙄

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 08/09/2019 16:46

OMG he was a special one

Poor me, using you to serve myself

SonataDentata · 08/09/2019 16:59

I like Milliefiori’s test a lot. A lot of men like this really regard women at objects or playing a role, and can’t cope with an actual real-life woman who knows her own mind.

BuildBuildings · 08/09/2019 17:03

Well he thinks a lot of himself! Wow. You've got a masters you've clearly got something about you intellectually. (not that you need formal education to be clever) don't waste time thinking about him or his comments.

pumpkinpie01 · 08/09/2019 17:09

Needs to be challenged! ? Well let's hope he ends up with someone super demanding , neurotic and over sensitive see if that challenges him . Why do some men think that dating and relationships have to be a game, very annoying but you are well rid of him and can do so much better . Treat yourself tonight .

walker05 · 08/09/2019 17:19

Thanks :) yes exactly.. I just think some people have unrealistic expectations and go into relationships thinking that it's going to change their life, and I did find what he said very arrogant.

OP posts:
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