Worried asserting myself will end my marriage

[mystique76]

Sorry - long post! My husband and I have been together for 24 years and married for 18 with 3 DC (18, 15, 13). I can no longer see a future for us (we have no furture plans together/different views on this) and am living in a state of anxiety. I feel like I have most of the responsibility in my marriage (only breadwinner, deal with everything like finances, organising holidays, birthdays, school stuff, car MOT's, way more house work etc) but no power. I feel anxious about doing the silliest things that I know my husband won't like (like a having a coffee - he hates the smell, changing the door bell that doesn't work - he's not bothered as he doesn't really want anyone at the house anyway). I feel very manipulated in ways that I know he is doing, but if I voice them I am being ridiculous - if I have my hair cut he will tell me not to get it cut too short, if I go out with friends he will make passive/aggressive remarks about being left alone again, if he wants to go to bed before me I am being mean as he won't sleep without me. I have spent too many years being peacemaker and walking on eggshells as he has mental health issues and I am always worried that something will set of an episode of depression (he has been suicidal before). He doesn't really have many friends and prefers to be in nature rather than with people, which is fine but I feel like I am the focus of everything - sometimes that means everything I do gets a negative focus, and sometimes a "positive" one where I get told endlessly how much he loves me, that I am the only person he likes - I feel suffocated. This would amaze my friends if I told them - they see me as successful and assertive, with a doting husband. I feel like I am dying inside my marriage. We have been together a long time with lots of ups and downs but also lots of love and I would like for us to repair this - but I want him to be my partner instead of him swinging from being controlling to dependent on me. I know I can't continue to live like this, but I really fear that if we go to counselling that it will open a big can of worms, and I fear what his life would be like if our marriage ended. I feel responsible that by not standing up for my own needs and feelings before now I have let it get to an un-saveable state.

Get out he sounds absolutely awful. You've done well to tolerate this for as long as you have but with a bit cost. I know you will be worried about the kids but they have been witnessing you getting pummelled in this marriage for years. Do them a favour and show how strong women can be.

If you are afraid even to mention even when you are the breadwinner, I would say you need to counseling on your own first and without telling him as you may have been in an abusive relationship for years without noticing.

A lot of the stuff he does is very controlling in nature, the only reason you may not be having huge arguments is that you are letting him call the shots about how you should behave. That is not a loving marriage.

He's abusive and you need to leave him
Can you call women's aid for advice?

You can't keep living like that. He either learns to let you be your own person or you will need to separate.

I suspect the patterns are too ingrained to change but that's your decision. They certainly were in my marriage and it has taken years to properly become my own person again.

Reading this was like a punch to the stomach.

You are me 4 years ago. Even down to the swinging from controlling me to adoring me. And the everyone thinking I was so assertive, in control, strong. I was at work and away from him. He didnt like people going round, or going out. Said he wouldnt and couldnt live without me

I can talk further if you want.but long story short, I started assweting myself. He fought it and kide got worse. When thay didnt work he admitted he knew he had been terrible and sought counselling. Even when he told me what he had told her and what she said (basically that my behaviour had caused the issues) there was huge manipulation and lies on what he was telling her.

In the end. I had to leave. He was abusing me and it only for worse. Me and the kids left.

How I have my own home, the kids are doing brilliantly, I am happy sage and secure. I am confident, assertive and strong all the time. It's been a long emotional road and I sought counselling. But it was the best thing I ever did.

Wow he's got you just where he wants you hasn't he.

I really wouldn't be working on this or trying to change his behaviour as it's too ingrained and in my eyes stems from a complete lack of respect for you.

There's a book that always gets recommended here although I've never read it personally called something like 'I don't know why he does it' by someone Lundy which I think will massively open your eyes to what your relationship has been all these years.

Second the suggestion to get some private counselling too as this kind of emotional abuse over such a long time will have taken you so far down the rabbit hole that you will need professional help to come out.

I hope this is one of those 300+ threads in 6 months time which sees you set up in a new, lighter, happier life without him!!!

Your marriage may not survive you standing up for yourself but if you don’t, who you are as a person won’t. TBH he doesn’t sound like he’d willing to be different and you will be in th firing line for trying to jeopardising his ability to be s selfish entitled arse.

Book counselling for yourself. What kind of lessons are your children from the doormat role you’ve accepted?

Definitely get some private counselling or therapy for yourself.

It helped me leave.

Walking on eggshells in a marriage is emotional abuse. If you are doing it, I bet your kids are too.

My life is so much better without him in it.

I couldn't live like this, it must be like having another child but whereas hopefully one day your children will be independent, you will be stuck with your controlling, dependant, manipulative husband. Get out now and live the life you want and deserve.

The book is 'why does he do that' by lundy Bancroft. Whether you stay or leave it's an essential read. What does this man actually bring to your marriage? You're the breadwinner, you sort everything out and yet you walk on egg shells for it. He sounds like a toddler or teenager rather than a husband. That is without judgement by the way as I've pretty much found myself in the same position.

I lived for many years with a man who I made excuses for because he’d had a very unloving upbringing and because he loved me and would (I felt) be destroyed if I left.

But he was controlling, financially and sexually, utterly self centred, and incapable of forming a healthy relationship.

Eventually I left: it was a messy business but only for a short time.

He is now happily remarried. And so am I, in a healthy loving partnership.

For your life to change you will need to go to counselling and he will need to engage with it; either that or you should leave. If you do nothing then nothing will change and you will live the rest of your long long life trapped with this man.

18 years? I don't know how you've kept your sanity . After 5 years I felt like the 'old me ' had been destroyed. We separated 2 years ago ( not married ) and I've only just got my confidence back.
It's not too late to show your kids this is not how relationships work. It wont be easy , I can't lie , but think of the alternative. You're not living OP you are existing

He doesn’t sound like he’s your husband. More like a slave master.
You can’t even drink coffee? That is some level of control.
I’m glad you’ve realised that this can’t go on. You’re so conditioned to put his needs above everything else that you’re hesitating because of how he’ll deal with it.
I don’t think you should be concerned with that. Cruel as it may sound, you have only this life and he’s treated you so cruelly. Depression is no excuse. He’s an adult and will have to take care of himself and stop abusing his wonderful wife.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You have been in an abusive relationship for years and this cannot be repaired. You can only help your own self ultimately by leaving this individual. You're codependent and that emotional state for you is unhealthy. He has you thinking all this is your fault but you are NOT responsible for him or his choices; he solely is. He chose to abuse you and in turn your kids and he would have behaved the same regardless of whom he married.

re your comment:-
"I have spent too many years being peacemaker and walking on eggshells as he has mental health issues and I am always worried that something will set of an episode of depression (he has been suicidal before)."

Its yet another weapon in his arsenal for him to control you and in turn these children with. They have certainly learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships to date and they must not learn more.

He is your abuser and has been throughout your entire relationship. My guess is that he was "nice" before marriage and or children then his true nature i.e. what he does now to you emerged properly. It was always there though and you were indeed targeted by him. Did you meet him btw when you were very young, perhaps late teens or something and had no real life experience behind you?. Was your home life pretty crap too?. All that if true would have simply played into his hands. Many abusive men like outwardly strong women because they see them as an additional challenge to bring down.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women; both can and will help you here.

Joint counselling is a non starter here in any case due to the abuse he metes out to you all. Counselling for your own self is an essential prerequisite now.

You need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft; do NOT show him this book.

You will be fine if this results in divorce. Absolutely great, albeit possibly wishing you'd realised and done it sooner, probably when you sit and drink coffee in peace for the first time.

You earn the money, pay bills, organise everything. You're brilliant!

He's not going to like it. Oh well.

Get yourself counselling and support, plan well and take steps to protect yourself, because leeches and ticks don't like being removed from their hosts - but it will be worth it.

You mention that you are only breadwinner. Has that always been the case or for example has he recently lost his job. Not excusing anything but wondering if this is coming from a place where the only thing he has left to control is you. The answer to that might change where you go next but ultimately the behaviour is abusive and intolerable

If asserting yourself ends your marriage, then so be it.

You have nothing to gain by continuing in this passive role.

Thank you all for the messages of support, and the book recommendations. I have to admit I am in shock. I know that our marriage is not healthy, but I have never seen myself as victim of abuse and need to process this. I actually started counselling this week by myself (he doesn't know). I don't for one minute think I am to blame but do feel that I have enabled this behaviour in our relationship and have a degree of responsibility to see if asserting myself will improve his behaviour or whether this will show me it is a lost cause. Is there anyone here who has pulled a relationship back from a place like this or am I deluding myself?

No. Because you cannot reason with an abuser, anything you do is your fault or you caused it, there is no negotiation unless you back off and keep doing as he says.

I would say however that you may find your life expanding beyond your imagination once he is not pulling you down or controlling your time and money.

...and that is the nature of domestic abuse, it happens so gradually you don’t even realise you are in an abusive relationship.

The line that sprung out to me from your heartbreaking post, was 'you fear what his life will be if the marriage ended.'
He would probably threaten self harm. Probably make extravagant promises to go to therapy. And so on, because he has an life he likes and someone else is making the effort to make it so.
You are living a half life. All the things you mention you organize, you would do as a single parent. Abuse is not always a bruise or hunger or being cold, sometimes it is lying about why you cannot go to a party or meet a friend or go to a funeral or a celebration or going and being scared.
He is sabotaging your life. You are clearly a compassionate and caring woman. You cannot solve his problems.
Would your dc be happier living with you alone?

If you assert yourself, he will get worse. I'd put money on it.

But that isn't a bad thing. Maybe it will help you see that ending this marriage is the best thing you can do for yourself and your DC. Whether it is best for him or not is entirely up to him - he's an adult, he's responsible for his own issues and how he deals with them.

You will feel lighter, calmer and infinitely happier without him.