Never been loved

[PinkNotebook]

No one has ever loved me.

I had an abusive childhood and my mum made it quite clear that she didn't love me. I was clear on that from being around 12 years old.

That paved the way for a succession of abusive relationships.

I had a relationship of about 12 months a couple of years ago. The relationship was never going to last long term for a number of reasons but I did, at least, believe that, for once, I was loved.

And yesterday I discovered that he had lied to me pretty much throughout about so much; cheated on me and, worst of all, lied about me to others.

I'm not even upset, tbh. It almost feels inevitable. I feel a little foolish for allowing myself to think it could ever have been real but I'm not hurt. I don't feel betrayed. I'm just sad.

I'm just sad that this is it now. I've got to middle age and not one person, from my birth onwards, has ever loved me. No one cared enough about me to protect me from the abuse. No one to scoop me up and hold me and reassure me that everything was going to be ok. No one who prioritises me as an adult. No one who gets excited at the thought of seeing me.

This isn't about meeting someone or having a relationship, this is just about, I don't know really, I guess the utter emotional desolation.

Oh pink, you do deserve love. The problem is that when you’re trained as a child to think you’re unloveable it’s no wonder you end up falling into those same patterns in adult relationships.

My heart goes out to you. Have you had therapy to build up your own self esteem? You sound really lovely, and some day some one will see that, but (and this sounds really daft and soppy) you have to see it first.

I spent a long time picking bad relationships where I wasn’t prioritised. It was a real problem for me. It was only when I felt I was worth more that I found more. I really hope you do too

Thank you. I have had therapy. The rest of my life is fine.

I'm educated, I work, I know people and have a few friends, I have hobbies, I have two children. I'm just unloved.

The sad thing is that I've recently become friends with a married couple 13 years older than me. They're lovely. I've known them for a couple of years but we've only recently become friends. They're very kind people - the sort who want you to let them know you got home safely; who are encouraging; who wlll look out for you and check you're ok. It's not just me, they're like it with everyeone - it's just who they are. But it feels so enormous to me because they are the only people who have made me feel 'cared about' in so very long that I find it quite overhwelming, tbh.

The thing is, I do think I'm worth more I'm just slowly coming to accept that other people don't. On the occasions I've dated, I'm quite happy to walk away from someone when I can see that it isn't right.

I've been hit on by married men and I don't feel flattered - I'm more than happy to tell them where to go.

I don't have my head turned by nonsense out of desperation or low self esteem.

I could tell you all my good qualities and all the good things about me. I know my worth. It just doesn't seem to be worth anything to anyone else.

I have similar issues with friends too. If I invite someone out, and they're free, they'll come. We have fun, it's a lovely time but then I don't see them again for several weeks until the next time I suggest something. I don't feel they're avoiding me, I'm just not ever their priority. When someone has a day/evening free or whatever, they don't think to include me.

I get it, they have their own friends and families to spend time with. I understand that, but it still leaves me in the same place.

OP, I had 12 seasions of counselling before I realised I had the same problem as you. As it happens, a divorce tends to bring these things to a head.
I got given ‘homework’ to learn how love myself.

Love is multifaceted. Just like happiness is. I looked after somebody’s dog for a while and for the first time in my life I felt loved. So you sort of understand people who cry when their dogs die but don’t share a single one when their parents go.
My DP loves me. My DD does too. In the back of my mind I’m expecting them both to stop loving me. Because past abuse and trauma.
So in counselling I was made to take a good look at myself and the lack of love I was showing myself.

Start there. Start having self compassion and love. Start by looking after yourself, by soothing yourself and loving yourself.
Sounds whacky and airy fairy, I know. But your inner child is a bit fucked and needs looking after.

OP I can totally relate as I am the same situation as you. Always have been and now I’m in my 40’s I’ve just accepted this is how it will always be and won’t get any better .
I see some women who have lots of friends and family and a loving husband - I feel envious and sad that I’ve never had that . Call it self pity, but when it’s your day to day life it’s hard to feel any different !
I have no answers for you , just wanted to say it’s not only you in this situation.

Thanks, SeaSidePebbles

I'm aware of 'inner child' therapy. I try to be mindful of it and aware when my 'inner child' is responding. So I think I have a handle.on that generally.

My children love me, so I know what you mean, it's more the absence of anyone having 'chosen' to love me. No one has ever made a 'commitment' to loving me. If that makes sense? Theres no one who has met me and is amazed by me who loves me. Children are programmed to love their parents. You have to be a pretty shit parent to lose your child's love!

I practise self care; I'm mindful of my needs; I nourish my soul and all that.

This isn't really about how I feel about myself. My boundaries are good, my self esteem is ok, my self confidence is quiet, but it's there... I know what my strengths are and what I feel are my positive qualities. No one I know knows I feel like this so it's not like i walk around being miserable either.

This isn't about how I feel about myself - I quite like myself; it's about the feelings, or lack of them, i elicit from others.

I don't know how to be 'loveable'. I dont know what it is about others that people fall in love with; or what makes someone commit to love them; or what means that someone finds them captivating or brings out their caring, nurturing side. I just know that, whatever it is, I don't have it.

It just feels like a 'quality' that I'm missing. If that makes sense.

Call it self pity, but when it’s your day to day life it’s hard to feel any different

I'm sorry you're experiencing it too. But it's also reassuring to know it's not just me who feels like this.

I am aware that my post sounds self pitying but that's not really how I feel.

I've also accepted it but, on occasion, it does saddens me and I guess that's what I'm feeling today.

I just wish I knew how to change it or develop whatever quality it is that I'm lacking. No one is perfect but even the grumpiest, most miserable people I know are loved by someone.

Even serial killers are loved by someone! 😬

Sounds like we’re on the same page then, OP :)
The subject interest me, as you can probably tell.
So, let me pick your brains a bit, if that’s ok.

How do you mean somebody to love you? What whould that person do if they loved you?
I struggle a bit with the whole thing, hence my question.

Say my DP loves me. If I get over the fear of him abandoning me, and let him love me, what do I expect to happen?
If he came home one day and declared his undying love and told me he loves me more than life itself I’d think he’s taking the piss.
If he was all gushing about me to everybody, ‘treating me like a princess’, I’d think he’s a psycho and I’d be guaranteed to run a mile, these things tend not to bode well.
If he comes home and has already shopped for dinner, starts tidying up, paints a wall or fixes something in the house, my first thought is: he loves me.

So, my question is, how do normal people know that they are loved? Not someone traumatised like me, but someone normal.

Pick away!

So, my question is, how do normal people know that they are loved?

Good question! If someone is loved, I suppose they are told. I imagine they are considered; included; prioritised; confided in; able to share... I imagine that they are treated with respect and 'cared' about.

I suppose it means if someone wants to do something, they want to do it with you. Not always, but at least sometimes. That they want to share good news and bad news with you. That they are excited for your successes and achievements and sad for your losses.

So I think your examples of things your husband does are signs that he loves you.

I think the two things that have brought this to the forefront of my mind at the moment are a) this couple who are only treating me like they treat anyone and yet it feels huge to me because there is such an absence of it elsewhere and always has been. These people make me feel more 'cared about' than anyone and yet what they are doing for me, they'd do for anyone and b) the realisation that the only man I thought loved me, didn't.

I used to recall that to prove to myself that it was possible and could happen but now I see that I was foolish and mistaken.

I wouldnt like the huge dramatics of 'treating like a princess' either and wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who thought that was 'love'.

Don't you feel loved by your children?

Di62, she already said she knew her children love her - but thats very different from someone choosing to love you.

I understand this entirely, because i was in a very similar situation for much of my life. Unlike Pink, my parents did love me, but they didnt show it in any way that ever made me feel cared about or cherished or valued. It was a very functional relationship, and what it taught me about relationships meant that i ended up in a very functional marriage. So i completely understand not ever feeling cared for, or cared about.

Im an optimist, i never stopped looking. I eventually found a good man who loves me very much and isnt afraid to show it. Dont stop looking, Pink, please don't.

Thanks, funny, that's exactly it.

I don't know that I want a relationship, tbh. I've almost made peace with it all now. I'm mid 40s and i figure that, if it hasn't ever happened yet, the chances of it happening now, when I'm conditioned into this way of being, is highly unlikely. Not even sure I'd know how to recognise it/deal with it/receive it/process it now!

I don't actively date, so I won't meet anyone that way; I meet lots of people through my hobbies etc but no one is ever interested - men don't seem to find me particularly attractive either! So love in that respect seems to be pretty much off the table.

I just feel very much 'out of sight; out of mind' in my social relationships. It would be so lovely to know that I was thought of on occasion.

Love is a funny word hijacked by Hollywood and Hallmark cards.

I do think that love is a verb - and the specific actions are kindness and respect.

If you were brought up in an emotionally distant, neglected or abusive way - you would not have seen or experienced love played out through kindness and respect - but you will feel the gap.

All I can do is echo the PP points of starting with yourself, cherishing your children and surrounding yourself with more people like this couple. Also giving back to this couple will make you feel better.

Step back and look at your friends and family carefully - if any have shown you anything less than kindness and respect, let them drift because you need to make room for new people in your life with these qualities......that you need to actively search for, engage with and give back to. I would also second getting a dog, for the deep joy and unconditional love of the animal (and also for your children to share and express this live with you as a family) but also in walking a dog you meet lots of people who in a few minutes chat can give you moments of joy.

I also think that the end game of the inner child - which is where we become emotionally stuck and stunted - is to live yourself to adulthood - where you are 100% responsible for your own inner happiness. Once you get there - that contentment and inner glow will attract others who value kindness and respect.

I completely understand. I think it’s why some people find faith in the divine so deeply comforting. And more flippantly of course those who have a dog.

I can’t offer you any comfort. But I can say there are many people who live without that feeling of being loved.

We can only look within I think.

You sound like you’re living a fulfilling life in every other regard, but I can understand why you have this feeling of lack of nurture. When someone is kind or caring towards me I often have to turn away to hide the rush of emotion I feel.

Your children certainly do chose to love you. And certainly as they become adults that will become even more apparent.
Love is very complicated.

But having the childhood you had has probably meant that your always searching for that love, the love of your mother.

It’s fucking hard. People who have that love probably don’t even realise it! It’s just normal. So no wonder you feel the way you do.
Not much else to add other than it’s tough and I feel for you. But I do agree that people who have had your type of childhood often end up with men who do the same.

Someone recommended CFT to me. I think it’s worth looking up. I had lots of normal psychotherapy and that feeling in the pit of my soul. Anyway I’m going to try the CFT therapy. See if that helps.

When someone is kind or caring towards me I often have to turn away to hide the rush of emotion I feel.

My boss made me cry last year in exactly this situation. I was telling her my woes (awful problems with DD, ex-H being horrible, dog being unwell, tricky emotional situation at work)... and she said, "you're doing a lot of caring for others, but who is caring for you?" It just hit me like a train that there wasnt anyone at that point, and i broke down.

I struggle with this to and although I try the inner child therapy - something just does not click.

You may the books by John Bradshaw helpful. They are called Homecoming and Creating Love.

His belief is that until you align/ love/ acknowledge your inner child nothing else will work.

I also think meditation helps but more if you descend into the body rather than ascend into a higher being. Sorry difficult to explain perhaps because I don’t understand it that clearly.

Good luck

Finding out yesterday you were lied to is a so recent and horrible. It will take time to get over the hurt of the betrayal. Anyone would feel the same. You're childhood is bound to be triggered by this situation. You'd need bomb proof self esteem not to be rocked by it. I don't know wtf you're mum was going through but that's on her. Not you. You sound lovely even from your op.

I don't know how I'd go about finding love again in my mid 40s. But I believe it exists. I imagine lots of things need to be aligned to match up with someone nice.

Paul Gilbert's self compassion book is brilliant. And also I would revel in the love and care of my children and friends. They clearly think you're worth it.