16 years married......different ideas?

[quaaludesonchristmaseve]

I never thought I'd be on a forum asking for advise but I feel like I need to now. I'm mid 40's my H early 50's together 20+ years.

He has his own business, established now though recent struggles. I work full time. 2 DC's, teenagers.

I just feel we do nothing but work and go to the local pub. He has no desire to go anywhere, see anything. We have family holidays once a year if that but they are very much forced (that's the wrong word but I feel like I have too) by me. I have things I want to do, places I want to go......he's not bothered. Our weekends off are spent doing nothing then taking the kids to their various activities. We never do anything to our house unless it's something he wants to do.
I've tried to speak to him about it, find out his wishes for when the kids fly the nest and what we can do together but he shows no interest in anything at all. To my family and friends he's the funniest, hardworking bloke and won't have a word said against him but I just wonder what my life will be in 10/20 years time and it scares me. I just feel like we are going to work then die and that's it and I don't want that and I'm pretty sure he doesn't also but I don't know how to get us out of this work no play rut. We have savings but can't use them 'just in case'

Do you do anything on your own, op? Do hobbies, go out with friends, theatre, short breaks? If not, I would start now because this doesn't seem like a great way to live...

No advice op but didn’t want to read and run we are closer in age to each other but feel I am in a similar situation. When we first met I had a fairly busy social life of my own and we had a busy social life together. I was integral in organising a lot of it. We had DC as older parents, had no sitters or extended family support and DH works extremely long hours, we were both tired and wanted to put the kids first and so both our social lives tailed off.
Anyway kids are teenagers now and ok to leave for two to four hours now they love it. We could have date nights and some couple time etc. But all DH seems interested in is playing on his phone, going to the toilet for extended visits or occasionally he’ll suggest a spontaneous trip out to the local pub leaving now (usually when I haven’t washed my hair, have old clothes on or have just been cleaning the bathroom or something) so have missed out on getting dressed up feeling nice and the anticipation etc.

The local pub was nice and a novelty when it first reopened but it is really like a sports bar TV’s everywhere lots of sport commentary and fella’s talking and shouting about sport so not really a romantic evening. I have explained how I feel to DH which has fallen on deaf ears. So I have been declining this when offered.
I organised a couple of meals out which have been nice but expensive to show him the difference and what I and we used to enjoy. Then he gets home puts crap tv on plays on his phone which totally ruins the nice evening.
Anyway he hasn’t been out with friends for ages and this weekend we have had his mother visiting and staying with all weekend which has been testing and hard work for me. This weekend he’s asked about going out with some friends one night next weekend and also asked if I minded him going out with some different friends in two weeks time. Lovely reward for all the extra cleaning, cooking, washing and no relaxation or down time whatsoever.
I kind of don’t mind in one sense about his nights out but do in another in that he isn’t interested in forwarded planning to spend time with me or when he does he ends up ruining it.

That was us 3 years ago, it got better once the kids were 15+ because no childcare, however now he's leaving because he wants "different things" aka I pester him to stop being miserable and do things

My advice would be the same as PP. Go and do this stuff with friends instead.

I only have a small group of friends who to be honest it's a nightmare to get together and organise anything with due to their situations withs work, kids etc but that's a whole other thread! I do have a hobby I share with youngest DC and hope I can carry on when he gets older and wants to share it with someone else. I did think about just booking myself a small sunshine break away, still am considering it ! I just feel like if I want to do these things, I'll have to do it alone and I would prefer to share these experiences with someone. Time for a serious think about my future.
To the PP, we sound like we are married to the same man! You have my sympathy!

I think take fairy steps OP join a club, sports activity, book club, running, sewing whatever (just something for you). It gives you another strand to your bow if nothing else without trying on DH and flaky friends. Could you have a night away with just one friend. Just to build your confidence and improve your life. Then I would get planning a trip.

I am literally in the process of leaving my marriage for this reason. My husband is a really nice guy but I feel like he doesnt actually live his life and it was stopping me from living mine. I did what PPs have suggested and started doing more myself or with friends but it just made me feel more and more distant from him and I started wishing I was single in order to meet someone I could do these things with.
I would have a chat with your husband and tell him how serious this is to you and he needs to pull his finger out then give him some time to get himself into gear. If he doesnt then I'd say life is too short to not be living it.