Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Should I confront him re Swiping on my friend's profile?

47 replies

Nicola5714 · 07/09/2019 21:08

Hi. Been seeing this guy (through Tinder) for 6 weeks. Around week 3 my friend sent me a screenshot that he swiped on her on Tinder. A few days later I had the exclusivity talk with him and we both agreed not to use dating apps anymore.

Yesterday his Tinder location changed so assumed he opened the app (not sure whether he swiped on any women though)

I know because I still have Tinder on my phone, but my profile is hidden so men cannot swipe on me . It's what Tinder calls 'paused'.

Tomorrow I will be confronting him re the change in distance (and after having noticed he added this super hot woman on facebook possibly through Tinder but not mentioning this)

What I'm unsure of is whether I should mention the 'friend swipe' incident given that we hadn't yet had the exclusivity talk then even if we were texting daily, he introduced me to his friends, told his family about me and him calling me darling etc.... Might be awkward if he ever meets this friend or he might be put off meeting my friends.

What are your views?

OP posts:

RachelEllenR · 07/09/2019 22:51

I wouldn't mention the friend thing, but he shouldn't be swiping if he's agreed you're just seeing each other.

I also think perfectly healthy relationships can move quickly but would be on the look out for other red flags.

Original poster

Nicola5714 · 07/09/2019 23:03

RachelEllenR what I am not sure of is whether he just opened app (eg to read our 1st conversation as he sometimes does this) or swiped. Tinder location changed by a mile when he went to his friend's house. Maybe I will look paranoid asking re Tinder again unless he brings up Tinder topic himself for a different reason of course eg glad we met on Tinder

OP posts:

SunshineAngel · 07/09/2019 23:08

Firstly, he MIGHT be reading over your first conversation. I like to read through mine and my partner's old messages sometimes to remember how nice we used to be when we were actually trying ha ha.

But.. you haven't deleted it off your phone. Why have you still got the app? If you aren't willing to get rid, you can hardly pass comment.

Plus, no offence, but you sound a bit obsessive about this. You seem to be analysing every detail and wanting explanations for everything. If you need this, you don't trust him, and that means the relationship is over before it's really started.

WhatWhyWhen · 07/09/2019 23:15

The reading conversations thing, going to be honest for a bloke that sounds like bollocks to cover himself to be honest.

The app if you have it set to location only when using you have to open it. If it’s set to location at any time then it will follow you. But it would be following him everywhere.

Why don’t you wait until his location changes again then unmatch. Then ask why, if he says he’s reading your convo but doesn’t mention that you’ve unmatched then it’s bollocks, as he can’t read it if you ummatch.

OR you could accept he’s love bombing way too early, call it a day, avoid the drama.

CTRL · 07/09/2019 23:23

I wish people would learn to give thier opinions in a respectable way without being rude and patronising...typical mumsnet

After 6 weeks, I don’t think it’s strange to decide to be exclusive to each other...I mean how else would one expect the relationship to grow if your not exclusive to each other ?? Its a way of officially declaring a relationship - not a marriage proposal what’s so ‘obsessive’ and needy about that ?

fandabbyfannyflutters · 07/09/2019 23:23

So many red flags. Those who say all this stuff so early are usually playing the field and trying to tell you what you want to hear or have attachment issues. Either way not what you need

Original poster

Nicola5714 · 07/09/2019 23:26

SunshineAngel I haven't deleted it yet since he hasn't and if location changes again I will know he was back on it.

I only check when home so my location shouldn't change . Yes maybe I come across as paranoid but wouldn't like to find out he's cheating months down the line when I've become more attached to him

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicola5714 · 07/09/2019 23:28

CTRL so would you casually mention the change in Tinder location?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2019 23:28

You are behaving like a 13 year old. He's shit. Everyone is telling you he's shit. Give your head a wobble and grow up.

Original poster

Nicola5714 · 07/09/2019 23:30

Didn't know that you can choose different location settings. Is the 'anytime' setting the default on basic Tinder subscription as that's the one he has (the free one)

OP posts:

butterflyFed · 07/09/2019 23:31

Most of this has been mentioned already, but here goes my POV.

6 weeks is just the start of something. It sounds too full on with I love yous and future. I have dated two guys that long only to figure out if I wanted a relationship with them (it turned out I didn't).

I am not one to talk about how fast you agreed to be exclusive since I don't multidate. But I know most people do. It is completely wrong to agree to be exclusive and keep chatting to others though. The incident with your friend happened pre-conversation but if you have doubts about him using Tinder, just ask your friend to send a message and see what happens.

You should not have to be wondering about this so early on, but since you have agreed to exclusivity, I would definitely "test" it before getting more involved. I would not confront him yet though as it doesn't look like you can tell he has done anything wrong yet.

Best of luck, but take things slowly and breeze at the beginning is my advice.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 07/09/2019 23:31

This is way too much drama too early on.

I agree with other posters that are questioning why you're still on the app and analysing his motives. If you've had the exclusivity chat, simple suggestion would be to just delete the app. But I suspect if you delete it you'll wonder if he's deleted it as well.

I understand your concerns about him being a player and not wanting to invest in something for it to go wrong, we've all been in that boat. But sincerely, you're analysing too much than is healthy for a very early relationship. The love bombing stuff after six weeks should be far more of a red flag than the Tinder changes.

If you feel you have a future, bring it up with him rather than going all Nancy Drew on it and just both delete the app together.

CTRL · 07/09/2019 23:39

OP personally I would mention it to him and then I would end the ‘relationship’ just because I feel if his still on tinder then his not ready to be exclusive.

Also I worry about him being on other dating apps and vice versa so the relationship most likely won’t be as serious as your expecting.

Good luck x

Urskeks · 07/09/2019 23:40

Yes it's only six weeks.

But also, how far down a bad path are we meant to go before its OK to call it quits.

Just find it a bit mundane when people talk about the length of something like this in relation to what's on behaviour or not.

I don't know what I'd suggest mind. I'm shit at real

Urskeks · 07/09/2019 23:41

....or relationships even

Original poster

Nicola5714 · 07/09/2019 23:41

CTRL thanks

OP posts:

TwatCat · 08/09/2019 00:30

OP are you 14?
Ditch him and move on.

ChristmasFluff · 08/09/2019 11:20

The focus on Tinder has distracted you from the reddest of flags - telling you he loves you and sees a future with you at 6 weeks - when he doesn't even know you. You are still on 'best behaviour - both of you.

6 weeks I would see as a good time to agree to be exclusive. But not with someone who is saying they love me! He is either overly attached to an illusion so you could be anybody, he'd literally love anybody), or a player.

Given the Tinder situation, I'd plump for the latter.

AMAM8916 · 08/09/2019 15:07

Why waste your time? He's clearly still using the app and thinks he can do better than you. Tell him to piss off

Dieu · 08/09/2019 15:44

It sounds to me OP that he's still looking around. Sorry

Dieu · 08/09/2019 15:46

With someone like this, you will always be left wondering, and never completely secure or angst free.
I would move on.

Miniloso · 08/09/2019 18:00

My ex and I had the same situation, went exclusive then later I found out that he’d been double dating me and sleeping with the other girl. Nasty, as I’d never have slept with him had I known he was shagging someone else too. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and after 1.5 years found out he was a cheating arsehole. You are not batshit!! The only thing I would say is perhaps he was showing your profile to his friend ... hence the location change. It could be innocent, but I would just have another conversation with him for sure - if he’s a good guy and into you he won’t mind in the slightest. Just be casual about it and don’t mention Tinder or location etc just mention being exclusive again as you don’t want to get hurt.

Flip

1 2