I need help. I need support. I’m really struggling. We suffered a huge loss this year so I’m feeling down anyway. He is too but it hit me harder.
My husband is a twat. I felt forced to go back to work because he wouldn’t work and I ran out of money. I had savings for maternity leave but he had no savings and gave up work so I was paying for EVERYTHING. It put more stress on me at a time when I didn’t need it.
Things haven’t been great for a while but I find it particularly hurtful that he can’t be supportive now.
He’s selfish. He’s mean. He expects everything his own way. He takes and takes. If I don’t do what he wants hen he punishes me by withdrawing or being very moody / angry / nasty. So much so that for a long time I’ve done want he wants but felt like a doormat. I’ve stopped that a bit recently and obviously that’s made things harder. He eats very angry.
We’ve often thrown “divorce” around in arguments but didn’t mean it. We both seem not to be able to be without each other. We argue and it gets v heated and personal but then we calm down and want each other again. I feel less that way as time has gone on though as I see the pattern. I see nothing is ever resolved. I see the good times are only ever temporary. I see that he makes me feel worse at least 50% of the time. I feel like I’m waiting for the times when he’s pleasant and loving towards me and I’m almost grateful when those moments come. We agreed to stop talking about divorce when we didn’t mean it so I stopped but recently I’ve been talking about it. And I half mean it.
Anyway today we agreed we’d divorce. He’d asked to talk about things and I said there is no point as we don’t resolve anything and I know nothing will change. He sort of agreed but I think he does that to save face or he thinks I don’t mean it. I went out and came back and he was all affectionate and horny. We talked and have a row and said we should get divorced. He agreed as he or angry (as usual) but I’m sure he’ll calm down and try to pretend it didn’t mean anything.
The issue is I don’t feel strong enough to follow through. I also feel I’m struggling to cope generally but I’m not someone who talks opening to friends or family. I know leaving is probably the right thing as he’s not a very nice man. He takes from me and makes me feel crap. He told me tonight he has no respect for me and he treats me like that’s the case half the time.
We own a house and I have said I would like to keep the house and buy him out by how do we even work that out? He owned our first house and had about £40K equity. I paid about half that and paid half of all the bills and mortgage while we lived there. Since moving into this house have paid for the majority or the bills and some home improvements. He says he won’t leave until he gets his fair share but isn’t sure what that is. I don’t see how we move on living together. I don’t want to leave so he can have my home. I feel it’s all I have left and I have slightly more sentimental attachment to the house. He doesn’t object to that in principle and he couldn’t afford to keep it.
We don’t have any living children but I would like to have more children. At times that’s been a reason for me to stay, as I’m late 30s and might have missed the boat, but I’m not sure that matters as much now. I still want them but not like this.
I just don’t know what to do. Is it always like this? Is it normal to just wish things were different and not want to leave? I feel down so I just want a hug but that’s the same vicious cycle we always get into. I know to end it properly - don’t I?