Still can’t shake off my bad gut feeling after 12 years

[Clarasunflower]

So, who has ever had an unexplainable bad feeling about someone who everyone else likes and sees no fault in and were you proven right?
My sister and I have had a bad feeling about our step dad since he met our mum. Everyone likes him though and thinks he’s generous and talkative, willing to help etc.
He has gone out of his way for us in the past and done nice things for us but I still cannot get over this awful gut feeling I have, and it’s bad.
It’s to the point where sometimes if I hear him walking in the house I get a tingle down my spine almost urging me not to turn my back it’s SO odd.
I feel so awful because I always see the good in people and I really wish I didn’t feel this way.
There is something odd that happened a while back that sort of solidified my feelings a little bit.
A random lady on Facebook who none of us have ever heard of before sent my mum a long message about him. It basically accused him of being violent and ruining her life and warning my mum to run for the hills. She claimed he was her ex partner but he said he had no idea who she was. It’s also confusing because he has children to another woman who he was with for 15 years before he met my mum 12 years ago and we’ve all met her and she had nothing bad to say. So this must’ve been before his most recent ex partner? Anyway, he denied all knowledge but she carried on sending more messages and trying to add other family members and message them too. I asked him why he doesn’t contact the police as this is slanderous behaviour from someone who he apparently doesn’t know and he just brushed it off and didn’t want to talk about it.
I’m of the belief that there’s no smoke without fire. It’s odd how it happened to him when me and my sister had suspicions before that with no real reason.
I just don’t know if I’ll ever know what it is about him. I even wake up randomly in the night sometimes and feel panicked that he’s going to do something weird.
It’s crazy to feel this way about a family member and I just wonder if it’s stupid or if intuition is normally on point with this type of thing?

Always trust your instincts. Keep a close eye on your mum.

Lots of women don't say anything as they aren't believed and it simply brings more abuse their way.

The best most women can expect from disclosure is people being "neutral" aka no consequences to abusive ex partner.

If the ex you met has kids with him, she has a tightrope to walk, to keep him sweet, seeing and supporting the kids and not dragging her through family court over nonsense.

So why does he say he split up with his kids mum?

Trust your instincts. He might be abusive, he might not - but I bet he knows exactly who that woman is, so he's lying anyway.

And keep an eye open for anything that might be going on with your mum, as it might be that he's 'not needed' to show the full extent of his behaviour.

Meet up with her, have some selfies taken like she's a friend and casually show him your 'night out' photos. His reaction should tell you what you need to know...

How is your Mum? Does she seem happy, relaxed, confident? How old were you when he came into your lives - do you still live at home now?

Why did your Mum and Dads marriage fail?
Do you know why his first marriage failed?

When did this FB woman make contact? Did he tell your DM about it or does she only know because the FB woman contacted her directly?

What do you know about the FB woman - is she local, did they work together? Could she have been OW to his first marriage that when rumbled he didn’t go to?
Is he an ex drinker?

Is there anything in your own past (or that of your DM) that would have you on high alert?

There's always Claire's law.

Is it possible he is already abusing your mother, and she is hiding it?

It is very odd. I would message her and ask when exactly she was with him. It's very possible that she is an affair partner (the affair took place in his last 15 year relationship) and she is disgruntled after not having been able to cause issues in his last relationship. Who knows, ask her. I think you'd for sure see the real him within 12 years and his previous partner would have seen it within 15 years but obviously never. Perhaps he was very young when he met this woman and things went on and she's not over it?

Is there a way in UK, someone can ask for a police check, if there is suspicion of previous domestic violence.

Yes Janus50's, it's called Claire's law I believe

Check out the 'gift of fear' book Clarasunflower and do listen to your gut, you will have picked up non verbals with this man and he is stressing your 'radar'.

It’s crazy to feel this way about a family member and I just wonder if it’s stupid or if intuition is normally on point with this type of thing?

This kind of thing is normally rational. You may not see it as rational because you can't pin point what it is that makes you feel uneasy but it's a conclusion your brain draws based on a myriad tiny clues all put together.

Basic things like microgestures, a smile not reaching the eyes, someone speaking or behaving in a way that sounds false - facial emotion not quite chiming with their words; acting in a way that is too 'try hard' (you say he's gone out of his way for you - why would he do that? people may do that if they have strong emotional bonds with a person or if there is something in it for them - even if that is feeling good about their altruism - if you assess him as not altruistic then it jars that he is going out of his way for you) and so forth.

It all adds up. If you were able to video all your interactions with him and play it back on slow motion, watch it again and again - some of this you'd be able to pick out.

In real life it all goes into a pot and you are subconciously recognising a lot of micro elements of jarring behaviour.

This is what some people call intuition in a situation like this.