Throwing thieving son out..

[notmrscookie]

Son is 19 years old and addicted to drugs and betting...Nothing is safe cash or cards .. Had over 1000 stolen off card will be last month...
It will kill me to do but I don't feel safe so tomorrow it is. I plan to store his bits in my porch but not let him onto house.. His dad has refused to talk about son issues we are divorced..

I know I have failed but I need to protect my other son ..I now I will loss both sons ...

Son who has problems has done nothing and gets cross when mentioned. I know he has no where to go but I don't care now... I am done....

I been left with the shit .. Ex family do nothing but moan about how crap I am so why not offer him a room.....

I’m sorry I don’t really have any advice but it sounds like you need to protect yourself and your other son

Kicking him out will make him spiral down further but I get that you need to think of your other son.
Is it possible to give him an ultimatum and pay for rehab?

Why will you lose both sons? The son without the addictions will surely see why you are throwing his brother out. Your son is an adult now. You can only bail him out so many times. He now needs to take responsibility for his own actions and if this means he gets himself into trouble until he learns then so be it. You can be a shoulder for him to cry on but you need to stop giving him opportunity to access your money and feed his addictions further. The best thing you can do for him is help him find support for beating both his drug and gambling addictions. A good starting place for this may be through your GP.
Good luck.

Try talking to your son, throwing him out might make his problems worse.

It may be hard to live with now, my parents went through something similar with my older brother so I really feel for you.

Have you tried to talk to him and work out a plan to go forward and get him help?

If you haven't already done so try looking into what services for addiction's are in your area and tell him he has to get help if he continues to live with you.

Throwing him out may seem like your last resort right now but don't make a hasty decision without trying all the other options available first.

Unless your son (you didn't say) is violent towards you or your other son I'd try to get him help. If that doesn't work then at least you know you've done all you can before you show him the door.

Good luck!

I found all the clinic but he will not go...I been hit , spat at and pushed over, doors punched , cups thrown at me ...shouted at ,called horrible names ..

Rehab isn't an option as I will not throw all my savings into it with commitment from.him and his dad..regarding paying for half...

I don't want yo be near him ...I have volunteers with homeless to get ideas and support.. I am fully aware he might die from.overdose or fight but I have had enough..I just want to sleep and chill and be able to buy nice things with my budgeted money .. I am fed up worryingly will he find my bank card or my food budget money...I had to give my money to friends to keep safe . I never dreamed this would be my life
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You are doing the right thing. Your other son is not on drugs and does not steal. Prioritise giving him a good life.

You know the saying Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm well you've been setting yourself on fire. It is good that you are stopping.

Try Al-Anon and similar charities. They are very good at helping families cope with the carnage wrought by an addict in the family.

People who have never experienced it will say you are awful to kick him out. They'll say it is your fault if he spirals down. It is not. People who have lived it will never say those things to you. You need them around you.

They'll tell you the three Cs of addiction:

• You didn't cause it.
• You can't cure it.
• You can't control it.

I expect there is an even more suitable board on MN than this one. Maybe seek it out.

My family have been through this. People saying don't do it, can't have been through this. When you reach this point it really is because there is no alternative. I really feel for you as I know have awful it is, but believe me when I say things will get better. Good luck OP.

Oh and to the PP who said if he's not been violent, unless you know what its like to live in constant fear of having your money stolen, bank cards taken, possessions taken, having to constantly carry your bag and phone with you, keep your bedroom locked, have your post intercepted in case there is a replacement bank card or similar, being gaslighted constantly about what money was in your purse, or the drugs are your imagination, you can't say things like if there is no violence, there doesn't have to be violence for you to live in fear

I agree it's time for him to leave. He has to take responsibility for himself now, you need to look after yourself and other son.

In fact, the only thing that you can do to help him IS to get him out.

I know he is 19 but I would ring SS and see if they can find a hostel place for him to sleep at. I would arrange to meet him You have to protect your younger son but I would not be able to cut him off completely.

You're doing the right thing, as the sister of an addict I wish my parents had thrown her out so she could have hit rock bottom earlier.

Try and seek help aswell. Adaction are very good x

I would aim to get him to leave the house but with as much kindness as you can and try to do it at a time when he isn't high / angry

As PP said, an addict needs to find a rock bottom before they want recovery and, when / if he finds that bottom, you ideally want him to feel safe enough to come to you for help

So try to explain that you have to put you and other DS first, that you will always be here if he wants to get clean and that you will always love him but his behaviour has given you no choice but to make him leave.

Could you write a letter saying that you've evicted him, I think he could take that to the council which would help him.
(Could be wrong)

The PP who referenced the 3 C's is absolutely correct.
If you enable someone they can not ever hit rock bottom to change. 'Releasing with love' is a phrase, i think used by Al Anon, you explain that the lifestyle choices made by your son are hurtful, upsetting and dangerous. You love him but can not live with someone who makes these choices. He can find his own accomodation. Good luck and i'm here if you do decide to make significant changes. He can then present to the local authority who then have a duty of care. Yes, sadly, he may end up in a HMO surrounded by similar people. That needs to not be your problem.
I really wish my parents had done this when my sibling was 19! I stead they're still bailing them out at the age of 41 after a lifetime of worry bought to their door.

What is up with your other son? Why will you lose them both?

If not easy to get to, I would give him a ticket to where his dad lives when you change the locks.

Op, I'm going through very similar.
I also have a younger son (18 in a couple of weeks), they are very different
My lad is going to be 21 next week, Apart from the physical stuff, I've had all this too.
We've had several agency's ie police and Camhs and others involved too..who just told me to go on a parenting course.. I did..

Problem with telling him to get out/throwing him out, where would he go..
A bedsit round here can cost anything from £600 upwards
You still have utilities etc to pay for.

My son earns almost double what I do.. however, the day after pay day, it's mostly all gone.. spent on going out that weekend, high end clothes and paying off for his bike etc no housekeeping, he doesn't see why he needs/should have too!! He can just about afford to pay for petrol to get himself to work!!

I had a friend that said 'just take it from him', I replied 'how?'

I don't have access to his mobile phone, let alone his bank account...
She couldn't answer that, if anyone on here can, please let me know.

OP, I've been through a very similar situation with my eldest son. I have two younger children. 9 years ago, my son was gambling and stealing money from me, he'd take cash from my purse and lie about it. At one point I was saving to take the four of us on holiday and the kids knew that I was planning a nice holiday for us. He went out early one morning with my debit card and took £200 from my account. He put my card back, but did the same thing several more times over a few days before I realised the money had gone. The bank investigated and told me to call the police. I ended up telling him it was the final straw and he had to leave. He only left when I told him I'd called the police and they'd be at the house in 10 minutes. It was the only thing I could do. His father and I are no-contact. I couldn't have him behaving like that and me getting stressed beyond belief every night, hiding my purse under my pillow and worrying about him stealing his brother's money and clothes (yes, really) and not being able to leave anything of value in the house. At one point he stole my DD's Ipod Touch, presumably to sell.

He moved to a friend's house for a few days (the friend's parent turned up on my doorstep to tell me he was safe at theirs but couldn't stay there much longer) and then moved into his Dad's house, where he stayed for a year. He eventually came back home but things were never back to normal and it wasn't until he moved out permanently that our relationship improved dramatically and I now trust him again. He's grown up now and much more responsible, but he was awful to live with, abusive and rude and I couldn't carry on like that. It went against everything I held dear to have to throw him out, but it was the only course left for me. I'd do the same thing again. He was 19 at the time, presumably suffering from the effects of our divorce, but it was something I had to do.

Do what you have to do to keep your family together and safe. If he keeps disrespecting you, that'll never change, you'll just get worn down and that's no good for you or your other son.

I can identify with what your going through. We had to make our son who was 18 at the time leave our home, due to his drug misuse, stealing and aggressive behaviour. We needed to safeguard our younger children. Our son always had housing provided by the local council, and after a few months lived in supported housing for young people where he received drug counselling etc. He even thanked me for making him leave, as he said that he wouldn't be the young man he is, and he understands why he couldn't live with us. He now lives in a different city and is about to start a uni course.
I attend Families Anonymous meetings, I've learnt about tough love, enabling and how to take care of me. I hope that you can find support for yourself and serenity

You need to do this. Everyone on here who has lived with an addict is telling you the same thing because we know.

So make him leave and then get help for yourself. You need a support group for people like you. I still go because it's helping my recovery from life with an alcoholic husband. You have a right to feel safe. You have a right to your own life. And without him wreaking havoc at home, you will be better able to help him without enabling him when he is ready to change.

Greyknees how is she supposed to feed herself and her other DC ?
Maybe read the thread first

As the brother of an addict and the daughter of an alcoholic please throw him out. I love the phrase ' setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'. Thats what we did as a family for more than 25 years. Now no contact and have never been more at peace and happy.

Happy to pass judgement without even going to the trouble of reading the thread eh? @greyknees

greyknees you haven't read the thread and you have no lived experience of the matter at hand, so your post is a waste of OP's time and yours. If you're going to comment, at least make sure you have a clue.

Hello op, my brother is a few years older than your son, he was addicted to cocaine, he would steal money, items etc to fund his habbit, run up debts of around £10,000, he was put in rehab for 1 month costing £5000, 1 week out and he was back on it, its cost my parents almost £16,000!

In the end my mum and dad gave him a a choice, come off the drugs or leave the family home! They took his car off him, bank cards the lot, he was told if he left the house by himself he wouldnt be welcomed back!

1 yead down the line, he hasnt touched the stuff, slowly has earnt the tfust back ftom my parents, and has almost paid them the £16000 back