DP and drugs

[duvetsay]

Hi I just need some help in being rational and staying calm.

When DP and I met I was at uni and pretty much all my friends did MD or Coke before a night out so that they could stay up til 7am which the events they liked went on til. I didn't really judge but it wasn't my thing. I did try them once/twice, didn't dislike it but didn't care for it.

Now we're post university those friends have grown up and don't touch them anymore but are not opposed.

DP is older and also liked to take drugs for those nights out but when we met I said I didn't want to be with that person and he agreed he wouldn't / would try not to.

We've been together 5 years and he has probably done drugs about 4 times always with me present at an event. I didn't like it but couldn't really explain why.
DP is liberal and believes drugs are better than alcohol and safer (if in proper form). I somewhat agree with him but still get this horrible feeling.

So anyway, a few months ago DP and I were going out separately. His friend text asking if he should buy some coke, my DP knows I saw and saw my face so replied saying no thanks. Friend commented that DP was a changed man or some kind of joke but that was it. This friend knew him from his days before me when he would do it.
DP doesn't go out very much (a couple of times a year) so he isn't doing it behind my back.

However, this friend just text my DP and it's something weird, showing him a message he received that's "funny" and I think it's from a drug dealer. He's showing my DP in a "haha look at this" kind of way but it's got me thinking whether or not that night they did do cocaine.

DP swore when I asked back then that he didn't and wouldn't (but wish he had) and I believed him.

Thing is that now I wouldn't know unless his friend said and it caught him out. DP would probably lie to stop himself getting in trouble about something he doesn't think should upset me (he wouldn't lie about something like cheating etc - I hope!)

Also, I remember after their night out DP transferred money for drinks to said friend and I remember thinking it was odd because it's quite normal to end up owing someone for a drink and not paying them back just getting one next time and from his bank statement (saw for innocent reasons) he'd bought a fair few rounds that night so unlikely he'd owe him much...

I don't think it's worth me getting so angry or accusing him as he probably won't tell me. How do I approach it from here? I don't want to react.

Sorry this is so long!

Does it really matter whether he took coke on a night out with his mates when you weren’t even there ?
You shouldn’t try and control what he does . He’s an adult and can take it if he wants. If he’s not addicted and using all the time and spending your money on buying it then I don’t see a problem .
I personally don’t take drugs and never have but I wouldn’t try and dictate what someone else can do either .

I think your mistake was believing him when you first met and he said he was going to 'try not to' do drugs. Either you're ok about being with someone who takes drugs or you're not. You can't force him not to do it, but you can split up with him if it's a deal breaker for you (it would be for me).

Why are you trying to control what he does just because you don't like it.

I think you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is walk away now before you invest anymore of your time in this relationship. Longer term picture just gets messier and more miserable for you if he is not the type who can give it up.

"DP is liberal and believes drugs are better than alcohol and safer (if in proper form). I somewhat agree with him but still get this horrible feeling."

You have known this all along, personally I feel that as long as you trust each other. Him taking Cocaine/MDMA on a night out is really no different to you going out with the girls for a few glasses wine is it not?

As long as his drug taking is not having a negative effect on your life or becoming compulsive I cannot see the issue.

Except that it's illegal, unregulated in terms of content, and part of a criminal supply chain that causes misery to many people, yeah.

@lazylinguist as someone who doesn't take drugs, even I can see why this is flawed. The issue with county lines etc is a lack of regulation due to criminalisation. Decriminalisation would be safer.

Thank you everyone. I needed a bit of a different perspective. You're right. He has no issue with drugs, he just isn't opposed to them.
Of course if I attempt to treat him like a child telling him what to do he will just lie or become a shell of a person.

Thanks

I’d leave. I wouldn’t be with someone who took drugs! Not OK!!

"Except that it's illegal, unregulated in terms of content, and part of a criminal supply chain that causes misery to many people, yeah."

This!

I am vehemently anti drug and personally could and would never be with anyone that did drugs, I've only even dated a smoker once and I hated dealing with the smell etc! But also his foul moods when he was skint and couldn't buy them.

You seem very wishy washy about the whole thing.

Either you're happy to be with someone who takes drugs (which he clearly is whatever he might waffle you with) and you just accept it and stay with him or you recognise and admit you're not happy about this in which case you end the relationship. It's pointless staying with him if you can't accept a fundamental part of who he is.

Expecting him to change is somewhat naive I think

I’m not happy at all with my DH doing drugs and it’s a deal breaker for me. So I just wouldn’t be with a man who does drugs. I think YABU to expect him to not do it, when he’s already done it a few times with you around. He doesn’t really know where he standa

As a man (and running the risk of being sexist), don’t do that thing more typical of women that is getting together with someone expecting them to change or change things then complain when they don’t.

Of course not everyone who does drugs when young continues forever. People do grow up and err, change, but don’t expect it or bank on it

You shouldn’t hold peoples ancient history against them (unless something drastic) but if it’s recent then you should know better. Only thing you or anyone can do is formulate their own deal breakers and more importantly stick to them.

Easier said then done once married or with kids on the scene which is why I said recent. Saying i did drugs back in the day but stopped 6 years ago is a bit different from someone saying I’ll change, promise not to do that anymore even though the last time I got coked up was 2 weeks ago

It's dangerous and sometimes poisonous let alone MDM.
He could be one of the unlucky ones.
He's a grown up but I understand your discomfort with it. He needs to understand that. You don't sound like fun police to me but someone who cares for him. Take it from there. I couldn't live with it.

DP is liberal and believes drugs are better than alcohol and safer (if in proper form).

Come on OP, you are smarter than this. Safer than alcohol. Which manufacturers of cocaine and MDMA conform to European safety standards? Don’t get me started on the poorest of the poor in far away countries being threatened and enslaved to produce that shit so twats like your bf can put it up their nose. Or those altruistic entrepreneurs who responsibly dispose of the harmless chemicals used in the manufacturing process of the herbal medicine that is known as, MDMA.

There’s nothing liberal or smart about his behaviour. You were very naive in thinking he would do it only in your presence, you can now add liar to his ever growing list of attractive characteristics.

He sounds quite the catch, does he have a brother?

You hope he wouldn't lie about cheating but expect him to lie about drugs. Jeez, he sounds like a catch
Regardless, if you're ok with his drug use when you're present, it's pretty controlling to suddenly have an issue with him doing it alone

I think if you're against drugs then you're probably with the wrong man. He'll "try not to take party drugs" is a get out of jail free card straight away isn't it?

Drugs aren't safer than alcohol. Your partner is a dickhead for trying to convince you otherwise. Alcohol is manufactured in a wholly traceable and accountable way, with known ingredients, quantities and methods of manufacture.

Drugs are pot luck. You've no idea what's in them.

Alcohol deaths per year in the UK: around 8000
MDMA deaths per year in the UK: tends to hover around 50

people who think Alcohol is safe because lovely friendly big corporates make and sell it are kidding themselves.

No we aren't.

Alcohol related deaths tend to be from excessive consumption, either in volume or over a long period of time.

You're highly unlikely to go to a bar, have a single drink and die. But when you take a single hit of drugs you can't possibly have that confidence as there's no control and no knowledge of what you're actually consuming.

I personally think people who do drugs are just scum. That is just my opinion. So it would be a deal breaker for me. You know the truth, he probably did do it that night.

Alcohol deaths per year in the UK: around 8000
MDMA deaths per year in the UK: tends to hover around 50

Stupid use of a statistic. More people die from paracetamol related deaths than MDMA, doesn’t make MDMA more safer.

There’s another thread on MN on a pregnant poster finding more faults with her bf speaking German than taking acid. Give me strength!

I personally could not be with someone whom supports the misery that the manufacturer and distribution of cocaine.

And he does support it as he is a user.

"Alcohol deaths per year in the UK: around 8000
MDMA deaths per year in the UK: tends to hover around 50"

This kind of stat is often quoted on such threads BUT I'd like to know what percentage of mdma users die compared to percentage of alcohol users?

Because far more people use alcohol than use drugs.

Also deaths is not the only issue not by a long way! I have a family full of addicts including drugs, I've lost loved ones to drugs and I've nursed people who are drug addicts too - and the death certificates don't necessarily make it clear!

Often times its long term health issues as a result of the drug taking that kills them - hepatitis and hiv (which they don't manage properly/take the treatments because their lives are chaotic because of the drug use), organ failure, pneumonia, meningitis etc being more at risk of certain health issues because they've had to have limbs amputated due to messing the limb up with dirty needles and gangrene etc which leads to other health issues as they age.

The people that die ultimately from hepatitis etc which happened because of drug use, their deaths are often not recorded as being due to drugs.

And that's just the potential effects on him!

There's also as pps have said the effects on wider society including but not ltd to the gang warfare in drug producing nations and county lines crap here.

And an aspect which has had very little research is the effect on fertility and sperm/egg quality if you're planning kids (I wouldn't with someone like this)