I think my issue here is that I know I’m in a bad relationship.
I’ve been married a few years, knew him for years before that but we were not serious or living together for long before that.
For as long as I’ve known him he has been difficult. Everything just seems to be very hot and cold. I think he’s emotionally abusive. I feel a pushed to do what he wants sometimes knowing he will be difficult if he doesn’t get his own way. He would deny this and says he believes in us each doing what we want and he wants me to be happy.
Examples of little things he does: Tuesday night we went to bed and we’re both a bit emotional. We lost a baby and obviously it is difficult. I have my days like that.
Well on that subject many times when I’ve been upset he’ll question me “Why are you upset? What’s happened? What has triggered it today? What were you reading in the internet that made you get upset?” despite me telling him nothing needs to trigger me being upset that I lost my only child. That’s another issue but came up last night. Anyway Tuesday night we were both crying in bed. In the morning he got up for work and left as normal. Came back as the bus didn’t come and stormed into the bedroom and said something about the bus and “... and thanks for answering your phone.” Phone was on silent as it always is when I go to bed. I didn’t know he might call. I ended up sending him a few texts saying that basically he’d been unfair to me as I hadn’t done anything wrong. It’s frustrating the bus didn’t come but it’s not fair to be annoyed with me for being in bed on my day off at 8 AM. Incidentally he had Monday off and basically slept all day. It also hurt because he knows I’m upset about other things and having a tough time. He may be too. He said he should have known not to rely on me or something like that. Anyway he ultimately said he’d taken on board what I’d said about being nicer to each other. Again when he says things like this they come across a little sarcastic or malicious. The last couple of days (not today) he has been food shopping and come home and cooked for both of us. But he’s cold and he is staying out of my way.
Suffice to say it’s been a crap year on lots of ways and I feel I need my partner’s support but he’s not here for me. He was good for a bit but things are getting worse. It’s as if he can only be “nice” for a short time and as soon as he doesn’t get his way (eg I don’t answer the phone when he calls, to give him a lift) he changes. I feel like I’m being punished. The other thing is he doesn’t handle well me being emotional and that can make him distant. So it’s a bit of a vicious cycle.
I know this isn’t good. I also know people have bad patches and no one is perfect. The people in my life who I would talk to about this stuff - occasionally his mum (he seems to be the same as his dad) and an aunt have that attitude of retraining their husbands rather than LTB.
Generally I often feel like a doormat and if I stand up for myself then I have to deal with the consequence of him being annoyed with me and treating me like I’ve done something wrong. I feel emotionally a little weak so I find it hard to deal with. Clearly I have let him treat me this way.
He would say I always get my own way of course.
I’d be up for “retraining” him TBH(!) as I also don’t feel like dealing with a separation / divorce right now although at the same time in a way I’d be relieved if he went.
I just feel like it’s shit that he’s so unsupportive. I know he has things on his mind too, loss of our baby, other family issues, new job, but I find him v strange and often think he has a personality disorder or something that makes him behave in a way that most people wouldn’t think was acceptable.
I do love him and just wish he’d be a bit nicer. It’s beyond being moody with him. He can be simply horrible and rude but claims not to know what I’m talking about if I mention it. I feel like if I’m upset he chases me until I talk to him and then goes back to his ways. He takes me for granted.
Sometimes I think the worst bit is I simply don’t handle these periods well but then often wake up and we are both fine the next day. I don’t think that’s normal though and he relies on it to get away with his behaviour. He says he likes that I’m so forgiving...