Marriage ended. Struggling to cope

[Khakdargo]

Hi All.

First post, please be kind.

I'm a 47M and my wife is 39F. She has just ended our marriage and relationship after 12 years together. Married for 9

We have had problems for many years. As soon as she became pregnant with our second child, DD, life changed.

She had PND after our first DS was born.

About 3 years ago she had an affair and cheated on me. As difficult as it was, I took her back. Even though she never apologised. I became depressed and had to take medication for 3 years.

She feels that I was never affectionate enough or giving enough. From my point of view I tried to give her the space and time she asked for and never smother her with affection when she was suffering with PND.

I thought we would always keep trying. But she does not and says it's over and there is no hope of reconciliation.

I am gutted. I can't think clearly and keep crying and having mild panic attacks.

Losing her and the family unit is the worst pain I've ever felt.

I have begged her for another chance several times but she just gets angry.

I am seeing a counsellor to help me deal with my emotions and to manage my coping strategies.

Don't know what I'm writing this for. Any advice or suggestions?

Should I completely give up. I pretty much have but my
Heart is still yearning for reconciliation.

Things are very hard and the thought of telling the DCs is making me queasy.

I do want her to be happy. I really do. And I suppose I do, even if that's not with me. But I'd like to be happy too. And I'd like it to be with her.

Thanks for reading.

Look at it this way OP, she isn't fussed whether you're happy or not. She's had an affair and now she's ended it and gets angry if you aren't totally on board. It wouldn't be a huge shock if it's ended due to her entering another affair, do you think that could be the case?

You need to find your angry side. Not to make her suffer or anything like that, but to realise this woman isn't the be all and end all and you can actually do better than someone who cheats and uses a weak excuse and blames you and never apologises. Are you a door mat or what? Why do you want her back? So she can continue to walk all over you, do as she pleases and leave you insecure, probably paranoid and as you say, depressed for 3 years!

You've got your kids. You will always have your kids, no matter what. You also have the freedom to go and find your happiness now. To find someone (in time) that doesn't have you relying on anti depressants and depressed with their behaviour. The PND is no excuse for it.

You of course had a lot of good times together as a family and they will be hard to let go off but cling on to how unhappy she has made you more recently to get to the next phase of the grief

You got depressed because of her and the situation. You are now liberated from this burden.
You need to be kind to yourself but it will get better.

OP I'm in a similar situation but with the genders reversed. Your last 3 paragraphs mirror almost exactly how I feel.
No great advice I'm afraid as I'm also struggling but wanted to offer my solidarity and

Thank you so much for the replies

I'm shocked that anybody is 'on my side' I really thought I was the asshole.

I'm so sorry you are in the same situation, we just have to dig deep and try to get through each day. My counsellor says that slowly, there will be hope.

Just hang on in there. Keep yourself as busy and as healthy as you can

You are valuable, you are important. You are enough.

They are wrong, weak and selfish.

We will recover. We have to

Thank you so much for sharing and supporting. Amazing

Sad as it is, I think you need to accept your wife's decision. As she gets angry when you ask for a reconciliation, it is clear she does not want to reconcile.

I know the family unit will no longer be but that does not mean you lose all of your family. Your children will still be your children and need you to be their same dad.

You are bound to be shell-shocked by your wife's decision but you do need to respect it.

You and your wife need to talk about your children - about who is going to leave the family home and how you will co-parent successfully. There is no reason why the children couldn't live with you and their mother move out.

It will be best for both of you to tell your children together. They need to see that you are both still their parents and know your love for them won't change and that you are divorcing each other and not them. They need to know their lives are not going to come crashing down. They don't need to see or hear you slagging each other off or know the nitty gritty details. They need you both to be united in the decision to split and be told it is for the best.

It may be worth you getting some counselling for yourself to see you through this sad time and to accept it. Speak to your GP to get help if you feel you are slipping into depression and speak to other close family and friends as you will likely need support through this, even if only to offload.

If you lack friends/family to talk to then come on MN and ask for help and support (don't go on AIBU unless you really need to as it can be very harsh on there - use this relationships board).

You've had problems for many years which isn't how relationships should be. You are young enough to find love again in the future and have a relationship without these problems.

Your children will still love you. You are still their dad. You may be in for a bit of a bumpy ride but hang on in there. You will get through this and come out the other side.

I agree.

I do accept it. I am seeing a counsellor and talking to family for support.

It is sad. But it does happen.

I'm still in shock. It's just so hard to fully contemplate.

But it's over and I have to heal and move on.

I'm amazed that someone would just give up.

I'll post again in a few days so we can all see how well or badly I'm doing :)

Your marriage ended the moment she showed no remorse for her affair.

Work on yourself so you can be the best you and the best dad and leave her in the dust.

Make sure you get good legal advice.