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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How seriously do guys take 'bro code'?

23 replies

Flairhead · 06/09/2019 19:44

I have a male friend that I've had a casual thing going on with for the last 18 months ish. So casual that we've actually only slept together half a dozen times.

A few months ago, I met a guy, who also happened to be a friend of this guy. We exchanged a lot of messages, had a few drinks on a couple of occasions, there was kissing and fooling around, but no sex. It didn't really go anywhere as he wasn't feeling it.

At the weekend, I messaged my friend to see if he maybe wanted some company (read:sex). He said no, and said he didn't think work things were a good thing, and as an example, two guys in our department have made their interest in me clear (I'm not interested in either of them).

I asked him to explain what he meant and with that had anything to do with it, he then changed tack and said that it was because of the brief thing I'd had with his friend, and that pretty much every guy he knows would have misgivings about going with a girl who'd even kissed their mate.

Now I could maybe be OK with this, except there's another girl we both know that I know he'd like to hook up with, who's also kissed one of his friends, which he knows about. That guy is a closer friend than the one I was seeing.

So why is it different for her and not me? I think he's not being entirely honest and there's stuff he isn't saying, but what do others think?

OP posts:

Highandlow · 06/09/2019 19:52

I think it a) depends on the guy. Some don’t mind b) how much the guy likes you. Maybe your guy friend is jealous or maybe not. Hard to tell.

Grobagsforever · 06/09/2019 20:14

Is everyone is this story 15?

Yeahnahyeah1 · 06/09/2019 20:25

He’s finding any excuse to call it off. Let him.

RelapsedChocoholic · 06/09/2019 20:26

I’m feeling quite cynical when it comes to men at the moment so please feel free to ignore but imo...

It’s different for you because he’s already slept with you
Once (if) he sleeps with the other woman it will become a problem that she has kissed his friend

He doesn’t sound worth your time

AuntieStella · 06/09/2019 20:34

He's trying to let you down gently.

He's not that interested, but rather than saying so directly he's making a third-party excuse

Nicolastuffedone · 06/09/2019 20:47

There’s a ‘bro code?’

PositiveVibez · 06/09/2019 20:52

He wants to end it but rather than just saying I'm not feeling it anymore, he feels like he needs to have an 'excuse' in case you keep probing as to why.

LemonAddict · 06/09/2019 20:55

You all need to widen the group of people you have sex with, rather than the 5 of you keep swapping sex partners.

In this case, neither of these guys are interested in you, I I mean, you’ve offered yourself on a plate to both of them and they’re clearly not interested.

Mix it up a little, move out of that circle.

SimonJT · 06/09/2019 20:57

Maybe he isn’t feeling the same way about you and this is his way of letting you know?

I wouldn’t date a friends ex if they had been in an actual relationship, but if it was just a fling/something casual then it wouldn’t put me off that person. My boyfriend got with one of my mates before we met, we didn’t realise until I took him on a night out to meet my friends, it isn’t an issue or a problem.

Original poster

Flairhead · 06/09/2019 21:43

Thanks Grobags, we're all late 20s/early 30s.

Lemon, we're not swapping sex partners, as you put it. It's just the way things have worked out. The other woman has told me she isn't attracted to my friend, so as far as she's concerned it's not going to happen.

Simon, I've said the exact same to him, that if it had been a proper relationship I could understand it, but it seems daft to stop doing something we both enjoy because of something that barely got off the ground.

For the record, it's always been him that's initiated it. I'd like to think that he'd just come out and tell me straight if he just didn't want to do it any more. It did get called off for a while last year, after he said it felt weird because we worked together. It later turned out that he thought it was getting to be more than casual (we'd had sex twice at that point) so I wouldn't be surprised if he's being economical with the truth again. But after a night out at Christmas we ended up having sex again, and a few times more since.

OP posts:

Dinosforall · 06/09/2019 21:46

He's calling all the shots

KylieKoKo · 06/09/2019 21:58

To be honest I don't think it matters. He's told you he's not interested so you need to let it go.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 06/09/2019 23:27

No such thing as a "bro code".

Sounds like he's just not that interested, I'm afraid. Either way, he's entitled to call it off for any reason, and you need to respect that.

Original poster

Flairhead · 06/09/2019 23:35

I know he is, and I do. I just want him to be honest with me about it, and not give flimsy excuses.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 06/09/2019 23:39

It all sounds very high school.

Generally most people wouldn't want to date or sleep with someone who has also slept with or dated their friends. That's not a bro code thing, it's people having boundaries that suit them.

I think he's trying to shift from friends with benefits back to friends but without making the friendship awkward

NoBaggyPants · 06/09/2019 23:42

There's nothing to gain in forcing the issue. He's gently told you he's not interested. You don't need to dig deeper than that.

Caucho · 06/09/2019 23:48

Fuck sake just accept it. Firstly honesty is overrated when it comes to giving someone the heave so (what happens if his ‘true’ reason is hurtful and he’s actually trying to be sensitive?) and secondly he doesn’t have to give a reason which you consider acceptable. Saying it’s over is enough. He could be a dick but that’s not a crime.

Original poster

Flairhead · 07/09/2019 00:20

I'm not planning on forcing the issue or having any kind of awkward conversation about it. I'm just trying to understand, that's all. I know that it could just be that he's using the fact I kissed his friend as an excuse, but it somehow doesn't ring true given the story with the other girl, and also that it wasn't the first reason he gave when I asked why. I don't know, I just feel like there's stuff he's not saying. Surely it's natural to want to know why when you don't feel you've done anything wrong?

OP posts:

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 07/09/2019 01:05

You don't have to have done anything in particular for him to decide he no longer wishes to have a sexual relationship with you. You were never together, you owe one another nothing.

It seems he's trying to tell you he does not wish to have sex with you any further in a manner that will not hurt your feelings. I assume even if he simply said he does not wish to have sex with you in those exact words you would still ask why.

Let it go and stop proposing sex to him as he's made it clear he is not interested, similarly as his friend has. Move on from them both, there's no answers that you're owed, they've given their supposed reasons but the message is clear - they're not interested any more.

It's time to start a new chapter.

As you did ask about the bro-code, to some men, similarly to women, friendships and loyalty mean a lot. There are lines that they will not cross no matter what. This always comes down to individuals and their morals and boundaries.

NameChangeNugget · 07/09/2019 08:27

I don’t think it’s “bro code” per se, just common decency.

The last thing I’d ever do, is date the ex of a friend. Who does that??

I think he’s being respectful

Sn0tnose · 07/09/2019 13:53

Most of us have been where you are, wanting answers, so I mean this in the kindest possible way.

I just feel like there's stuff he's not saying. Yes, and that is that he just doesn’t want to sleep with you anymore.

Surely it's natural to want to know why when you don't feel you've done anything wrong? Of course it’s natural to want to know. But unless he wants to be brutally honest with you and tell you that he doesn’t want to sleep with you again and that you kissing his friend has given him the perfect excuse to end it for good, then you’re just going to have to accept the reason he’s given you. He’s not going to be honest about it because he doesn’t want to tell you he doesn’t fancy you anymore.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/09/2019 14:37

it seems daft to stop doing something we both enjoy because of something that barely got off the ground.

He's not enjoying it anymore. That could be for any number of reasons. It's normal to want to know, but you're not going to find out - he doesn't want to tell you and he's tried to be less blunt than just saying that he's not enjoying it anymore.

Malvinaa81 · 07/09/2019 17:31

You seem to want to go into a lot of detail ("I just want to understand..." etc) with him, and he doesn't want this.

You have difficulty accepting this, and won't let it go.

As for a bro code, there may be one, but that's not the problem here, you are for not moving on.

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