Is it worth it to continue with a partner who is on the surface lovely man, but on a deeper level I have so may doubts? I do not have much time left to start family and I have not had the best of luck with men (only short-time relationships in the past) previously. So I have the risk of being single forever if I decide to break up.
In many things he is lovely, affectionate, he can and does cook and clean, wash his own clothes, he is smart, has good conversations, is wonderful at organising days out or longer trips. And I love it all. But despite all this, he has rather slow self-esteem, I guess. He is very critical of everything and everyone (expect me – he has put me somewhat on pedestal). He talks the talk but rarely walks the walk. He drags his feet whenever he needs to take some responsibility or important decisions or do something that needs more time and effort. It would be a bit easier if he’d say direct “no” to things, but he usually says yes or similar and then starts to drag his feet. OK, he has said a few times that he does not want to take any hobbies or volunteering or such because he just wants to chill and have fun after work and not be bothered with responsibilities. But with everything else important (studies, changing job, repairing something at home, helping his parents, going to doctor, losing weight) he would rather say yes and then not deliver. He is somewhat jealous of successful people and sometimes whinges that he does not have enough money to buy nice things and saying ”what have I done wrong in life”, but he does not do anything to improve his situation. It all is constant, so I struggle to enjoy his good qualities and ignore the bad ones, because these are constantly intertwined. At one moment he is all kind and nice with me and the second moment he says ugly things about other people, for example. At one moment he cleans the entire flat and cooks a meal, and the second moment he ignores the fact that I want some input from him regarding some repairs at home. Last night, having a casual conversation, I figured out it seems that all of his previous girlfriends (a few prior to me) have earned more than him, being more successful or even older and he has not had the need to make big efforts to earn more or take some responsibilities. He has basically always been in a long term relationship, living together, always in rental flats or his girlfriend’s flat. At least one of these were rented only on the girlfriend’s name. Now he is living in my flat. He does not have anything that belongs to him basically, besides his clothes. He even does not have his own computer or phone (uses the ones that his employer has given him, while whining that these are crappy models and he would like something better).
I got so confused last night with all these feelings. I love the affection and caring from his side, he really makes me feel loved and cared for and I can give it to him also. But I also know that sometimes you must be responsible adult, deal with things and responsibilities and I hate that I have to carry that role alone while I am not alone anymore. I guess I cannot change him? I do not want to lose these good qualities that he has, but I cannot live with the bad ones. And I cannot tell which one weighs more, I guess he is 50/50 good and bad and I feel paralysed. Seriously – loving him one minute, disliking him the next and it is like that every day, constantly. Not like we have two good days and then one bad, but my feelings and his behaviour changes minute by minute or hour by hour.
How can I improve it? If I want to stay in the relationship? How to change my feelings or guide him somehow? (Couples counselling is rather expensive, I’d like to try cheaper alternatives first if possible).