BF and his ex

[Aryaneedle]

I might be way off the mark here and I'm sure IABU but I've been stung before with this one.

My bf has moved in with me and because of this in the last month he has seen his ex 3 times to collect stuff he had left at hers. . This hasn't bothered me at all. One of the times her new dp was there but wouldn't come out and meet my bf, thought that was a bit odd but there we go. We have been together a year and up until a month ago he only saw her once before that. They split up Nov 2017, after 14 years. No DC's

He is seeing her again on Saturday to give her something he has decided won't go in my house but will go in hers. Then they are going for a walk. I do not have a clue why this one is bothering me but it is.

My ex had a weird relationship with his long term ex (she lived next door, they were best friends but really couldn't dependent) so I really didn't want to go down this path again. He barely saw her for the first 11 months so I thought it was fine. Am I being paranoid and unreasonable? He us basically giving up a Saturday with me to spend with his ex. I find that a bit odd but I know rationally I'm the one with the issue.

So as not to drop feed, there is a huge age gap between them (18 years) he was 17 when they got together and sometimes I feel like she has moulded him and some of his interests and opinions are definitely hers. Again, find this odd. Just feel unsettled and need an arse kicking I think.

Hmm, I’d feel uncomfortable too. It’s fine obviously to meet up and get his stuff back (though I wonder why that wasn’t done sooner!), but him also arranging to meet to give her something for her house and to go for a walk indicates to me they’re either pursuing a friendship which will continue, or they have some unfinished business/feelings they want to process together.

Also maybe I’m weird but I’d expect after a year together, and living together, for my OH to at least discuss the ex meetings with me and see how I felt about them. It doesn’t sound like he’s really bothered either way whether it bothers you or not, he’s gonna see her anyway. Which either indicates he prioritises seeing her over you because he isn’t that fussed about you, or that even if you were bothered seeing his ex is important enough for him to do anyway.

I wouldn’t like it but then I’m not one to stay friends with exes and neither is my OH and we’d both find this incredibly inappropriate and I would be wanting to know why the walk, he’s moving from just meeting her for logistical stuff (though three/four times to exchange things after they’ve had a year almost seems like it’s just an excuse to meet tbh) to wanting to spend time with her alone, and I’d wonder where he was planning on going with that.

Don’t dismiss your feelings or try talk yourself into being okay with it if you’re not. Your feelings matter too. You don’t have to play the ‘cool girl’ and act like you’re fine with it if you’re not, and it’s not wrong to not be okay with it, many people wouldn’t be keen on their partners hanging out with their ex. Maybe your gut is telling you something.

What discussions have you had together on the matter so far? What have you said when he’s told you he’s going to see her yet again? Has he made any effort to explain why the walk is planned or is he not fussed how you perceive it?

A 17 year old and 35 year old going out? That’s odd, sorry. I would be suspicious too (but then I’m suspicious and paranoid over everything so don’t take my word for it).

There was no consultation or discussion about it. He just said 'X is having 'insert item' so I'm going over on Sat to give it to her and then we are going for a walk' and I just said 'Oh okay' and then he said 'I said Saturday because we usually do something on a Sunday'. So he is considering me I guess, but we usually do something with my dcs on a Saturday too so I didn't get his rationale.

There is an issue with communication in our relationship. We don't do it very well and I raised this yesterday. But I am finding it really difficult and don't know how to convey that something feels off without looking like I'm being controlling and jealous IYSWIM. I may he overthinking this.

Yes- the 17 and 36 year old thing is so odd, the way she controlled him and their relationship sounds weird too. I am 39 with a 16 year old DS so I find it almost impossible to fathom.

I wouldn’t worry about looking jealous tbh. He’s not worrying about looking like he’s still into his ex.

Thing is, he can’t know how you feel unless you tell him. To an extent he’s not done anything wrong per se, he’s been up front and honest about it and not hidden it or lied about it. If you just act like it’s fine then that’s kinda on you, you know?

Time to speak up about your own feelings. Are you genuinely deep down okay with him hanging with his ex? Are you happy with them building a new friendship? If not, you need to communicate with him. I’d have had zero concerns or issue being honest about it if my OH was trying to strike up a friendship or relationship of some kind with his ex a year into our relationship. Just pick your time and tell him you’re not comfortable with it and you don’t particularly feel happy having a partner who’s still close with an ex or trying to be. His response will tell you a lot.

A 17 year old and 35 year old going out? That’s odd, sorry.

Sorry, I wouldn't regard that as odd. My first relationship was with someone 17 years older than me, lasted 16 years. Followed by someone 17 years younger, still going strong after 16 years and 3 DCs. And I know a number of other couples with similar age differences.

But perhaps she has become a mother figure who he consults on personal issues?

I think I'd let it go this time as the final step in re-distributing shared possessions, but if it happens again then you need to have the conversation.

Filka that was my instinct. This time let it go but if it happens again in the next month I'll reframe it as '6 times in 2 months seeing an ex seems excessive, would you agree?'

Gamma you are right, it is on me. And this is why I'm concerned because I do not feel comfortable talking to him about it and I am hesitant. I can't put my finger on why. But I find telling him how I feel about stuff I'm worried about intensely difficult and avoid it at all costs. And its making me reevaluate why. I left a marriage that was broken bones level abusive. I don't want another relationship where I need to keep quiet, but for unknown reasons in the last 2 weeks this is where I've got to.

I think it’s really worth trying to work out why you feel unable to tell him how you feel! Most women I know wouldn’t have to think twice about making their unhappiness known if their partner casually dropped in that he was off to hang out with his ex, again.

Are you carrying fear of asserting yourself from your last relationship? Is that purely because of that relationship or is there something about your partner that makes you feel afraid?

Are you scared to rock the boat cos you worry you’ll lose him? Do you have low self esteem and worry nobody else will want you?

Generally struggle with boundaries and assertiveness?

If you figure out why you’re keeping your mouth shut when you’re clearly unhappy with it maybe you can then make a change.