Advice from those who know

[gentletryer]

Sorry but it’s a long one.
I appreciate this is MUMS net, but I really need a woman’s perspective as the male friends I have talked to are less than helpful as always and I don’t have any female friends. So here goes.
I’ve been with my wife for 10 years, married for 1 this month. After a very trying 3 years with lots of things happening which affected my mental health greatly and put our relationship under tremendous strain during which time put a fenomanal amount of emotional strain on my SO I’ve come back from a 6 month deployment to find my wife has had 6 months of living her life without any of the stress and strains that life with me has brought upon her, we tried a marriage counsellor and she has now said maybe there’s just been too much hurt caused over the years by the stresses to heal. She no longer finds me attractive (emotionally), doesn’t remember how things were before and needs space to think and hopefully miss me . But isn’t sure what will happen. I have agreed to move out for a month and see each other only on Saturdays no contact for the remainder so she hopefully work out that she doesn’t want a life without me. I’ve trying for the last month since these feelings were brought to my attention to be the person I used to be and treat her like I used to, my friends all give the advice that she has made her decision but she assured me she hasn’t. I’m terrified that it is the end and I’m powerless, all I can do is be myself and show her that the times of depression and self pity have finished and hope it’s enough. Does space actually work or has anyone had any positive outcomes? I’m dreading he thought of doing this which will be a real struggle for me only to get to the end and have that fateful decision that I fear.

Just to make things better the weekend we are planning on talking again is our 1st anniversary ??

For a period I struggled with serious depression, mental health issues and alcoholism which led to her having anxiety about me worrying about me all the time, after seeing a Marriage councillor we worked out that we had almost slipped into a pattern of her wording about me so rather than 2 equals in the relationship she was more looking after me because of her feelings. However that period of time has finished and I’m trying to show her that she doesn’t need to look after me or worry about my feelings, but I have not treated her badly I still treat her like the love of my life which she is, romantic days out trips away helping round the house making her nice meals offering to do anything for/ with her. She has said I’m perfect in every way and she is so lucky to have someone who is so good to her, that I haven’t done anything which is why she feels guilty because I’m always trying so hard for her. There is now so little intimacy that we are like friends which is so frustrating for me. When I try to be intimate it’s met with annoyance and rejection even just kisses and cuddles not just sex. Which makes it worse because she says she doesn’t know what I want her to do, but then at the same time she will walk around the house naked and stuff like that as if there is know problem, which makes it worse because I find her so sexy and attractive but know that I can’t do anything about her. It’s as if she’s teasing me but when I bring it up she just gets annoyed. She says she can’t talk to me anymore without me getting upset or bothered by the things she says but when the most important person in your life says they are no longer attracted to you how can you not be hurt? We do still talk but I can constantly feel that something isn’t right, if I don’t try then I’m lazy and don’t care if I do then I’m smothering her 🤷🏼‍♂️

If she has fallen out of love with you - you can't force her to make her love you.

Everything you do will be annoying her- whether that is warranted or not doesn't matter. You cannot win in this situation.

The best thing to do is to have a proper conversation about seperating and what that will entail.

Can’t win so give up and move on then basically haha we have spoken about separating for a month and are starting on Sunday. I say haha but it’s not funny in any way and it’s destroying me knowing that the person I love may have just not love me anymore.

"which affected my mental health greatly and put our relationship under tremendous strain"

• in other words, you were really difficult to live with and probably took it out on her.

If you are serious about saving your marriage:

1. You will SHOW HER RESPECT by moving out and not trying to have sex with her the whole time. You are showing a lot of entitlement at the moment.
2. You will join AA and you will go to meetings several times a week.

And that is it. The Steps of AA should be reworded 'how to stop being a twat and start being a genuine human being'.

Have you had help from the forces for your PTSD? Remember that stress and mental illness does not give you the licence to be an abusive twat.

Sorry, but it sounds like while you were gone, she moved on.
You need to get some professional legal advice.

@ScreamingLadySutch firstly, thank you for your input however I will say this. Firstly yes I was difficult to live with when struggling with depression it’s not the happiest time and I struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Secondly I do not try to have sex all the time if rarely, but when I said intimacy I ment general affection, not everything is about sex.
Thirdly I have not drank in over 3 months and apart from the one time in May there was another 3 months before that.
Finally yes I have sought help from numerous professionals both military and civilian, I have Never been abusive or a twat as I’ve stated in th original post she has also said that and I have always been up front and genuine in all aspects, of anything I have been too communicative.
But again thank you for your input as condescending as it felt

@ScreamingLadySutch sorry forget to mention, I have shown her respect at all times for 10 years I have finally agreed to move out as that’s what she wants even though I feel it’s the wrong decision and it breaks my heart. What more is there!?

Did you post under another name about this? This is very similar to something I read recently about a man coming back from his deployment and his wife seemed to be happy without him and not wanting sex with him anymore. I would say unless this can be resolved in counselling and she doesn't even seem to care about you in any other way, your marriage looks like it is over.

There was a woman who was interested in you right? Last time most posters said don't go there. I don't think you should, although it must be tempting, but the bigger and more rational thing to do would be to take steps to end the marriage and lead separate lives. If this was happening to me, I would be wondering if my partner was having an affair whilst I was away tbh, sorry to say it. When I was in a long distance relationship, all I wanted to do when we first saw each other was rip his clothes off. Time spent apart increases desire... usually... unless something more is going on.

I put it on the other day yes under a different thread but I think it was a disused one. I think your thinking of somebody else there has been knowone else for me ever, other friends I’ve apoken to said the same thing about her with somebody else, but when I spoke to her about it she said obviously that’s everyone’s first thought ( they were make friends) and I said that it’s the first time the thought had crossed my mind but of course I had thought that. But she Addamently denies anything has happened with anyone else and she couldn’t believe that I would think that until I explained why I thought it, but still she assured me nothing has happened

Is she going through menopause or having other hormonal issues? Maybe even depressed herself?

Do you have PTSD at all?

It does sound as if she has made up her mind though. Perhaps it's time for you to get some counselling alone to help you through this difficult life stage.

Yes I have ptsd, I have spoken to professionals and am currently working on myself in all aspects. She is only 29 so no to menopause and she has said that when I was away for 6 months she thought about lots of things but it was different because she new I was coming home. She has said that if I move out for the month hopefully she will see that she misses me and why she loves me and what her life will be like without me. I did say to her that I’d been told by friends she’s made up her mind and the space for the month was to soften the blow when it comes at the end and said if that’s the case and you’ve made up your mind then just come out with it it will hurt but I will understand and it’s better than dragging it out. She said she hasn’t and not to think like that, the mixed signals all the time is what’s getting to me the most I think

Sorry for what you're going through @gentletryer. I've been in a situation similar to yours and I know how it feels to just be desperate to do something to fix the relationship. Sadly there is no magic fix, all you can do is give her the space she has asked for - when you're unsure of your relationship with someone it's impossible to make a proper decision when you're still around each other all the time.

Slightly different situation here but my husband did something to hurt me badly (it wasn't cheating) and it's made me question everything. I've been trying really hard to make it work but now, like your wife, I'm at a point where I think I need some space alone to decide what I actually want/need. It doesn't mean I don't love him, just that I literally can't think straight when we're under the same roof.

No one can tell you the answer unfortunately. Lots of people go through situations like this - some, after time apart, realise what they're about to lose and decide they want to stay together and fix the relationship, sometimes they even end up stronger than before. For others, the time apart will make them realise they're better off apart. I truly hope it's the first one for you, but either way, you will cope. Give her space, don't constantly text her etc, give her chance to miss you. Good luck and I really hope it works out for you

Could she be in love with someone else/having an affair?
Pretty common in military circles.

In any case it sounds like she's done with you and you should start fresh. These things happen.

Mixed signals are dreadful, especially if you have PTSD. My heart goes out to you.

Were I in your shoes, I would be thinking ok, I have been away for 6 months, I go away a lot (assuming you do??), surely she has all the time in the world to miss me then?

I think she knows her own mind already, and like you say, she knows it is the end. If you have already tried counselling, then the only logical thing to do is to separate. You may discover things you never would have done about yourself by living on your own. And you may realise things about the relationship too. Perhaps you will find that all this time, it wasn't really working for you either. You are both very young, and if this is in fact the end, you have so much time left to start afresh.

@beachandcocktails out of all the replies yours sounds like what she’s said, she’s actually said the words I can’t think properly when I keep seeing you everyday (not cos it’s the most positive one either lol) @Lentilbug as much as we’ve had troubles I know my wife and she wouldn’t do that but I know what you mean about military circles but we don’t live on the patch and we have always kept military and civi life separate. Gemma yes I did say that to her but she said it was different because she new I was coming back at the end of it

Honestly, you've been away for 6 months and she's seen that life's simpler without you there.

She's asked you to give her another month.
What difference is that going to make if she's had 6 months without you?

I really hope it works out but it sounds like the end to me.

At least you have fixed yourself emotionally so will be strong enough to get through this, whatever happens.

I don't think this is going to work, she's been without you for 6 months if she was going to miss you it would of happened by now.

Moving out to see if we could fix things is the excuse I used when I wanted to break up with my ex as I was desperate for it to end but he wouldn't listen.

He was also a drinker and depressed once a women switches off its near in impossible to switch back on

OP how bad is your PTSD? Are you getting treatment for it? I bring this up because it happens to be the reason my ex and I got divorced. Again it's very common in military circles. Something about you or her may have changed you find you do not get on like you used to. I was really young and didn't know anything about the condition, how to support someone with it and also how to cope myself.

As a side note after the divorce I had a rebound boyfriend I didn't really care about. I didn't realise it at the time and there weren't any problems with the relationship until he managed to score a posting in the city I lived and then I realised I couldn't stand him. Being away on deployments didn't bother me much at all. I hated the constant phone calls and hours of painful small talk. I should have known it for what it was - sign the relationship wasn't going to last.

Maybe some of the experiences I describe resonate with you.

At the end of the day in my opinion, I won’t be the one to end it as long as I still think there’s hope to save it. Once every avenue has been tried then it’s a different story, however if she does want to end it I’ll understand and (unhappily) accept that but she will have to make that decision for herself and however hard it is come out with it, rather than keep things going as they are because it will end up is divorcing on bad terms if you get what I mean? If we are to break up then I’d rather it was at least amicable before it turned to resentment and hatred

@gentletryer

out of all the replies yours sounds like what she’s said, she’s actually said the words I can’t think properly when I keep seeing you everyday

Yeah this is exactly it.

I don't want to get your hopes up but just because she's 'checked out' doesn't mean she can't check back in. For quite a while I was pretty sure me and my husband were over and it was just a matter of time. It was only when we discussed separating that I realised what I was going to lose.

But obviously I'm a bit different as things have changed again here and things are back to being uncertain. I notice you're asked above if you're getting treatment for your PTSD. This would be a big thing for me. My husband suffers with depression, this was kind of linked to what he did that hurt me in a big way, and so when we agreed to stay together he promised me he'd get help/treatment for it. So far he hasn't done so, and this is a big reason I'm now reconsidering what I want again. So maybe give her space and show her how you're trying to get help for yourself.

Even if you do both decide to separate, please do consider still getting some help or counselling for yourself, you need to do that for yourself not just to save a relationship. And as others have said, eventually you may just find that actually you weren't that happy either. I really hope it does all work out for you

Turns out suspicions were correct, she has been messaging another for 4/5 months and has met him “twice” apparently “just to talk”. Looks like I wasnt going mental after all. 😖

That is some tough information to deal with. Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry. I wondered when you started the thread if there might be someone else involved. I'll never understand how people bring themselves to do these things.

I'm sorry to hear that OP. Please bs kind to yourself.

Makes it worse when she’s keeps saying she doesn’t feel like she done anything wrong because it wasn’t physical, in my mind hiding phone calls messages and meetings is wrong and it’s an affair.

Anyone ever told you that you can be quite domineering? No wonder she doesn't feel able to outright end the relationship when you don't listen to her.

So, for the six months she was alone who would you have permitted her to seek support from, spend time with, talk to, socialise with? Do you have a list of acceptable social contacts? Or was she supposed to live in seclusion until you returned?

Nobody is perfect. Least of all someone who won't accept criticism, won't accept no, has problems with alcohol, considers pulling his weight at home to be "helping out" and isn't respectful of his wife. Do you really believe you are perfect? If so you're the first human to walk the earth who was. And you appear to have set the bar quite low.