Sorry, I couldn't think of a suitable title for this thread. Hi everyone, I'm new(ish) here - NC for this. It is a year since I split from my ex, it ended badly as was an abusive cheat and I said I would never get into a relationship again - I am in my early 40s. Despite having a full and varied social life, I'm starting to miss being in a relationship. This might be a bit rambling, so please forgive me.
I have a particular male friend for whom, I have developed feelings for, but he is married. After being in a relationship where I was cheated on and abused, I know I cannot and will not go there - I don't know if the feelings I have is limerance? He messages me frequently with regards to our shared hobby and has been supportive throughout this past year. We don't see each other very often as he lives quite far away and we meet up with our friendship group 4-5 times in the year, so all communicating is done via Whatsapp which he instigates all the time. He will message me directly most of the time and within group chats with our other friends. I have no way of knowing for sure, but some of the things he has said in our conversations, I think he also has feelings for me/fancies me. It isn't outright declarations etc, then again I could be reading between the lines because over all he is a very friendly person and lovely to everyone in our friendship group. We were due to both be at an event recently through our hobby and I had to cancel. He then messaged me to say he was cancelling too as it wasn't worth going to if I wasn't there. A mutual friend of ours commented on it in a teasing way saying she thinks he fancies me. I laughed it off, then felt a bit mortified it is being picked up upon by others.
If I was a friend to myself, I'd be telling me to cut him off totally, but due to the shared hobby we love, it isn't possible. So, the right thing to do is to distance myself with regards to the messaging directly and to keep conversations within group chats. I positively don't want to cross any lines. I never want to be 'the OW'.
This brings me my feelings about it all. I'm pissed off that this has happened, that the first person of the opposite sex I've felt comfortable with in a long time, is married. I have lots of male friends so it isn't as if I've been going about trying to attach myself to one of them intentionally. I am at that point of wanting to get out there and find a new partner, but I'm too scared. Objectively, I've obviously latched on to my friend because he seems to be everything I would want in a partner after the disastrous relationship I've been in with my ex.
My musings about dating; I'm a very wary/scared of dating apps and websites. I've looked at the dating thread on here and it fills me with dread. I'm worried about getting out there and attracting weirdos. I don't have the time and energy to be playing the numbers game to be open to finding a FWB or to date more than one person. I'm envious of one of my close friends who met her new partner out of the blue at a recent music festival just by literally bumping into each other. I'd rather it happen naturally like that to be honest, but also feel I need to meet someone to help dispel the feelings I have for my friend as I know it isn't right. I do have other hobbies and get out a lot socially, so I suppose it is a waiting game but should I try the dating apps and stop being so precious about my concerns with them? Or am I not ready at all? I just don't know.