Has anyone ever reported coercive control to the police?

[Tafelberg]

...just that really. I spoke to Women's Aid about my situation the other day and they told me what I was experiencing was domestic violence and coercive control (I hadn't expected that, as there has been no physical violence). But I'm pretty sure my ex has taken/hidden some of my clothes and is refusing to allow me to have half my deposit back when I leave our flat in December - I'm having to stay living there until then as he won't take over the tenancy in his own name until then - and I feel like this could be seen as financial abuse. I'm just not sure whether to bother the police with any of this.

I reported my ex to the police and they do take it very seriously but they need evidence which is more than hearsay. You wouldn’t be wasting polices time but what they told me is that they can’t help me this time but as he does more and I report it they can build up a case. Coercive control doesn’t just go away if that person is still in your life in one way or another. You don’t deserve how he treats you.

If your still worried about it maybe someone from the women’s aid can support you further, they really helped me.

Thanks @KissyThief, that’s really helpful. I think I’d struggle for solid evidence although have been trying to think of ways I might get this. I’m so sorry you had to go through something similar. I think I am going to speak to them, it’s good to know they will take it seriously.

It's difficult to prove which is kind of why they do it in the first place. Why has he taken your clothes. Are they expensive? Do you have proof you could use?

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 exactly I’ve made a police report but I doubt it will go anywhere due to lack of evidence or proof.
I don’t know why he’s taken my clothes. Two of them were relatively expensive - a designer skirt he bought me for our anniversary (I’m presuming this may have been taken as he felt I shouldn’t have it any more now we’ve broken up) and a Reiss dress I bought myself. They were stored together in a dust bag under our bed but have gone. The other is an ASOS skirt that wasn’t expensive but I loved it, it was a leaving gift from an old job. That was (I think - although this is all making me question my recall/sanity) hanging up in my closet and isn’t there any more. He’s flatly denied it when I asked him about the dress and anniversary skirt - said he had no idea what I was talking about.

I have. But I asked them to just log it for information as now until I can bring myself to tell them about the other stuff. I'm frightened they will arrest him and potentially put me at more risk.

I have. I am in the process of leaving. I made a statement and am going to do a video statement at a later date.

The police officer told me that testimony from other people can also be evidence. So you can ask your friends and family if they are willing to make a statement. You may be able to prove the financial abuse.

Do it because you will be flagged up with the police in case anything else happens. I just walked into a police station. It may be better to call 101 and then they will refer you to a specialist DV officer.

@SadVillageGirl that’s awful. Well done for taking that first hard step though. I hope you find the strength to take more soon.

@Siablue thanks for the info. It’s a good point about other people’s accounts, will bear that in mind although I don’t think anyone else really has first hand experience of what he’s been like other than his ex who I’ve never spoken to.

Anyway I reported it all online and the police called me straight away asking me to go in and make a report in person, because of the controlling and coercive behaviour happening in a domestic situation they said it’s not suitable for reporting properly via phone or online. So I’m going in on a Sunday. Feel sick.

Don't worry. You're doing the right thing. I'm glad the police are taking you seriously.

I read that it's not your job to provide evidence: that's for the police to do, although if you do have any evidence that will help. Things that help are letters, emails and texts, as they're dated and difficult to fabricate; anything that was witnessed by other people; diaries if you have them, especially if they're bound so that it's impossible to insert pages at a later date. That sort of thing. Also bank statements showing financial abuse, lists of medical appointments that your partner insisted on going to with you. Anything where he got himself involved inappropriately, that you can document and record.

Sounds like he took them as punishment. 'You deviated from my plan of how you should behave so I hate you so I'm taking my gifts back to punish you' kind of thinking. Plus he knew you loved the other skirt so taking it was to have another stab at you. Horrible man.

I hope youve got yourself safely away from him now?

Thanks @ColdAndSad. That’s a massive help. I’ll do my best to get as much as I can together tonight before seeing the police tomorrow.

@Pinkbonbon you’re exactly right. It has all been about punishing me since I broke up with him, although he denies this. There are many other small petty things he’s been doing that I could list but I can manage those, they actually make it easier to feel like I’ve done the right thing by leaving him, but the emotional/financial abuse is tough. I’m away from him for a week but am having to stay living with him until mid-December God knows what else he’ll think up to make life difficult for me in that time.

Make his favourite aftershave/watch/jeans disappear. Totally deny it. See how he fucking likes it the prick.

Might be wise to leave anything you have of value with family if pos.

...and hide your toothbrush.

Why December? A lease? Is there any way you could sub-let your part till then?

Sod staying with anyone that is so bad youve had to report him to the police.

@crystalize the thought has crossed my mind. Several times!

@Pinkbonbon yeah, a lease both our names out on that he’s said he can’t take over in his sole name until December. There’s a long back story to this (I have a couple of other threads on other topics about it). I can’t sub-let, unfortunately. But yeah depending on what the police say today I’m going to have to reconsider my options.

Just thought I would update. I've had a few different conversations with the police but the upshot is, they don't think there's much they can do. Even if my ex was taken in to be questioned about my missing stuff, unless he admits it or says where it is, they won't be able to prove he's responsible for taking it and they're unlikely to be able to find it due to lack of CCTV etc (he's probably ditched it all somewhere it'll never be found). They said the CPS would be very unlikely to take it on.

I asked about the coercive control side of things, because since the clothes going missing, my ex has also been threatening to reveal personal family information I told him in confidence to other family members of mine. He said he'd be doing it because of safeguarding concerns, but obviously it's because he knows it would be likely to severely damage my relationships with my family. I saw on the CPS website that "threatening to reveal/publish private information" falls in their definition of coercive control, but I asked the police about this and they said as he hasn't directly blackmailed me and the information isn't specifically about me, it can't be treated in this way.

Feel utterly gutted and hopeless. I'm just going to have to suck it up and try to spend as little time around him over the next few months as possible.