Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Alternatives to Divorce

25 replies

mintymum · 06/09/2019 09:04

Has anyone successfully managed to live with their ex-husband after the marriage is over?

I just feel that I really don't want to be married to him any more but I don't want to divorce because of the kids (12 and 8) and our financial position which isn't great.

I'm pretty sure there's no love on either side and I've realised now how very different we are and how unhappy i've been for at least 10 years.

We have a spare room but it's quite small. I thought maybe I could get a little shepherd's hut thing for the garden and sleep in that/spend my evenings there.

Has anyone done something like this?

OP posts:

Rockos · 06/09/2019 10:40

I’m in the spare room. Is there space for a bed in the spare room?

Original poster

mintymum · 06/09/2019 11:03

At the moment we have a small double in there but it fills the room. There's not really any room to sit or do anything except sleep.

Do you feel better @rockos for sleeping in the spare room? Has it helped overall? Do the kids seem upset by it?

OP posts:

Rockos · 06/09/2019 11:11

we've been doing it for years now so they are used to it. I'd suggest getting one of those beds that is up off the floor with a chair/sofa underneath. There are lots of small room options. Loft conversion? I wouldn't sleep outside if I was you. Its then like you've been excluded from the house and are the outsider. Search for cabin style beds that will fit on places like the IKEA website. That has to be your best bet. If you can fit a small double in then you should find something that fits. Could one of the kids move into that room and you take a bigger room? or do you have a downstairs dining room that could be converted?

Hopoindown31 · 06/09/2019 12:21

Depends if your husband is happy with this plan. You can't make things like this unilateral if you want them to be long lasting. What happens when he meets someone else (or you do)?

Original poster

mintymum · 06/09/2019 13:34

Thanks @Rockos. You make a good point. I don't want to seem like I'm being punished for something. @hopoindown31 You're right, I don't know whether he would agree.

OP posts:

NewMe2019 · 06/09/2019 14:51

Me and ex were not happy and it had been shit for years. When I finally ended it, I was surprised to find he would have happily carried on. Our marriage was shit!

It was an amicable split, but living together after was excruciating. Our relationship also deteriorated until he moved out. I don't recommend it tbh. I shut myself away a lit as ex was just always there and as a result I barely saw my DCs either as ex certainly wasn't going to go elsewhere and thought we should all just be together as normal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2019 15:00

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. Make the break properly and live apart.

Do not further do your bit here to show your children that a loveless marriage could be their norm too.

Living together in such circumstances as you propose rarely if ever works out well. Sleeping out in the garden in a shed is an absolute no also.

What you propose teaches the children also really crappy lessons about relationships, it further teaches your children that your relationship with their dad was based on a lie and that you are together really for your own sake because it is somehow easier rather than theirs.

Original poster

mintymum · 06/09/2019 15:53

@NewMe2019 I definitely think my situation has some similarities to yours. I'm sure my husband would feel we should 'all just be together as normal' too as long as we're living together. He never makes any decisions, plans or changes until forced into it and when I've asked him whether he's unhappy, he's said yes but he'd rather just ignore it and hope things change.

OP posts:

Original poster

mintymum · 06/09/2019 16:06

@AttilaTheMeerkat I can see sense in what you're saying but the problem for me is that I have to be the one who is 'the bad guy' to split the family up. It feels very self-centred when there's no real reason except after 18 years together, we don't really even like, let alone love each other.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2019 16:19

Do you really want to spend the rest of your days living like this?. Someone has to be the grown up here and its not going to be your current husband. He seems to be the sort that would go around saying to any who would listen, "oh she left me, poor me" etc.

Not liking let alone loving each other any longer is a hell of a good reason to part. Do you really want to teach your children that a loveless marriage could be their norm too?. You would not want that for them and its not good enough for you either. Do either of you really think your children are somehow totally oblivious to your marital problems?. They know something is amiss and the can and do pick up on all the vibes between you two both spoken and unspoken. They know all too well that things between you and dad are not great and have not been for some considerable time.

Change is scary I grant you but it is a hell of a lot better to be apart and happier than to be together as you are now and stuck in your own respective miseries. These children are not and should not be the glue that binds you and he together.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 07/09/2019 18:08

For what advantage? This really benefits no one. At some point you will end up having to sort things out properly. By that time the resentment would probably be huge. Bite the bullet and separate properly now, living in limbo helps no one.

Itsnotme123 · 07/09/2019 23:37

I think if you don’t split up now, then resentment will set in. Better to have an amicable divorce. You could stay friends afterwards, and it’s better that the children see you both get on.

Or you stay married and have separate lives. Different bedrooms, separate sitting rooms (I know someone who does) but I chose to leave my hubby as I can’t see the point of staying with someone who I don’t want to be with anymore.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 07/09/2019 23:40

Honestly I think it’s divorce or unhappiness?

Seriously on your dead bed do you want to think of all the unhappy years? Do you want to teach your dc to stay in a unhappy relationship?

Original poster

mintymum · 08/09/2019 10:55

Thanks everyone. I tried to speak to my husband this morning and say we should consider splitting up while we're still on good terms and his immediate reaction was that I should move out and that he would keep custody of the house and kids. It was very shocking but makes me feel that I am right to split up because he clearly doesn't want to be with me.

OP posts:

shiveringtimber · 08/09/2019 11:27

Op, find a solicitor. As fast as possible. Trust me, you need to do this immediately or else you may find yourself homeless, penniless and without your DC.

NewMe2019 · 08/09/2019 20:59

"He never makes any decisions, plans or changes until forced into it"

Sounds familiar. This really drove me mad about ex as well. Now he has to do things for himself, it's funny how capable of it he actually is.

Why does he think he'll get custody of the kids? A man who is more than happy to take kids away from their mum because their own feelings are more important is a fucking cunt tbh. And I really don't use that word lightly.

I wouldn't even bother trying to live with this one OP. It was excruciating enough and ex had agreed he would be the one to move out eventually (although took his time about it). Living with a man who wants you out and without your kids will be hell.

OhioOhioOhio · 08/09/2019 21:22

8 months. 8 fucking horrible months. Awful. Awful. Awful.

Please don't do it.

bombomboobah · 08/09/2019 21:29

His response is to say that you should move out and he will keep the house and the kids, that's just the passive-aggressive way of wearing you down and trying to stop you
I would consider that his starting point in negotiations, your response to that needs to be, no I keep the house and the kids

womaninthedark · 08/09/2019 21:33

Definitely to a solicitor asap. Don't be persuaded into 'separation'. Go for divorce and be cut-throat about getting a good deal for yourself and the children.

NewMe2019 · 08/09/2019 23:26

And he won't get custody of the kids and your needs to house them will be the top priority in a divorce. Everything else comes second to that (currently going through it now).

shiveringtimber · 08/09/2019 23:29

Most, if not all of us posting on here have been in a similar situation, OP. Get a solicitor ASAP.

Original poster

mintymum · 09/09/2019 07:39

I think in retrospect that he was just frightened and that's why he said those things. However you're all correct and I'm going to get a solicitor today. I moved into the spare room and actually although it's cramped it feels so much better not to have to pretend everything is fine anymore or to have to share a bed with him. However im sure @OhioOhioOhio is right and it won't be easy going forward.

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 09/09/2019 12:54

I know I'm right. You think his mess annoys you now. Wait til you are officially estranged.

OhioOhioOhio · 09/09/2019 12:55

It's like living attached to a drip filled with poison.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 09/09/2019 12:59

Don’t think your kids won’t twig what’s going on. And even if they didn't they would be upset if years down the line they found out the “real” would feel the life they’d known was a lie.

Your children deserve to live a free and relaxed life at home. Tension as a result of a marriage breakdown is unavoidable and you won’t “dodge” having to have uncomfortable conversations.

All of you deserve better and it is how you repair the rupture that would happen as a result of you or DH moving out that is pivotal. You can co parent very successfully separately without “screwing up the kids”.

Flip