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Original poster

What to expect from a DP on your birthday

21 replies

Birthdaysatmyage · 06/09/2019 08:29

Firstly, I know this is a bit of a controversial issue on Mumsnet and there will be some that think expecting a bit of a fuss when you get to 55 is ridiculous. I’m not one of those people!

It was my birthday this week and i’m Just feeling so disappointed with my DP. We live a bit of a distance apart and tend to only see each other at weekends due to the drive (at least an hour) and working hours. Been together 5 years.

Anyway, he’d said he would come through on the evening of my birthday this week. He ended up being even later in getting away than I hoped, which was disappointing but predictable to be honest. I was already annoyed about this as I think he’s in a senior enough role to have been able to plan ahead and ensure he could have left early that day (which is what I did for his earlier in the year). I cooked us dinner as it would have been too late to think about going out. He’s initially suggested that he bring food but i’d Said not to as it would have ended up with us eating at 10pm by the time he’d arrived and cooked!

So I think that’s it. He’s coming to mine again at the weekend but there is no mention of booking a restaurant or anything. Again, for his birthday i’d Booked a restaurant well in advance. He brought me a few gifts, all of which were nice enough in themselves, but which I think he probably picked up in the store next to his office during a lunch break.

I know I sound like i’m wingeing but I just feel really flat. Is it wrong to want a bit of a fuss, a bit of thought to book a restaurant, maybe some flowers, or a gift that feels a bit more personal somehow?

The other element in this is that he knew I wasn’t looking forward to this birthday due to a few other things going on at the moment so I really thought he’d have made more effort.

OP posts:

666onmyhead · 06/09/2019 08:38

Time to swap him for one that treats you as you'd tread him !
Belated Happy bithday !

MashedSpud · 06/09/2019 08:38

I wouldn’t be happy with the birthday and to be honest I wouldn’t be happy being in a long distance relationship where we only see each other on weekends for five whole years.

Chamomileteaplease · 06/09/2019 08:42

What were the things from the store? It would be interesting to know.

What has he been like in previous years and is it understood between you that it is nice to make the birthday person feel special? In other words does he know that you feel like this but doesn't care?

30to50FeralHogs · 06/09/2019 08:47

Has he been like this every year or was it just this one that was a bit crap? If he’s usually better then I’d put it down to being busy and maybe next year tone down your efforts for him first and see how he reacts.

If he’s always been shit at birthdays then you need to explain to him that it’s important for you to feel taken care of and spoilt a bit once or twice a year, especially as you’re still essentially ‘dating’ after 5 years, he should have taken you on a date.

Once marital monotony sets in he could almost be forgiven for losing the spark, but as you only see each other at weekends anyway, it should still be special.

My dP is always very thoughtful for birthdays, anniversaries, valentines etc but last year he forgot to get me a card or gift for our anniversary as he was having a very tricky time at work. I was hurt and told him so. He had plenty of time to watch tv and play games in the lead up to that date, I’d even reminded him and he’d said he was on it. He ended up booking a hotel the day before, which was about 10 mins from home, which when we arrived was a small room (we usually have a king bed and can’t sleep in a double!) and the spa was full so we couldn’t even book any treatments.

I get like a proper princess complaining, but I did anyway, as it was just so out of character and I don’t want him thinking that’s an ok way to treat our special occasions. This year he’s away but he has already said we’ll go out before/after so at least I know he’s thought about it.

You will get whatever you accept so make sure he knows this isn’t good enough. Fair enough some people think it’s daft, but you don’t, so set that expectation.

30to50FeralHogs · 06/09/2019 08:48

*i felt like a princess

30to50FeralHogs · 06/09/2019 08:49

And yes, before anyone says so, I do treat him well too, buying him gifts, making him amazing cakes and taking him to the theatre etc so it isn’t like I’m just expecting it of him, I do it too.

Original poster

Birthdaysatmyage · 06/09/2019 08:59

Thank you, I don’t feel so unreasonable now!

To be clear, this isn’t about the fact we live apart after all this time - that works as much for me as it does him. Ice is a very decent, caring person and does treat me well, he’s just more a ‘steady as you go’ type rather than big surprises and grand gestures.

OP posts:

Original poster

Birthdaysatmyage · 06/09/2019 12:45

Sorry, I've just been re-reading some of the responses.

@30to50FeralHogs and @Chamomileteaplease - you asked if this was pretty much what has happened before. Yes, it probably is if I'm being honest. I've never really known what to do about it as I worry about sounding grabby or 'princessey'. He is honestly such a decent bloke and I think the issue is more that we don't place the same importance on these things.

I think I might also have accepted this because of past experiences too. My ex was great at present giving, and surprising me with things, but he was also emotionally abusive. It wasn't unheard for him to suggest after one of these events that I hadn't seemed to really appreciate what he'd done - the gifts weren't being given in the right spirit. I think I've therefore accepted a bit of a compromise in my head which is that OK, a big thing isn't being made of birthdays etc, but there is no agenda around them either.

OP posts:

user1474894224 · 06/09/2019 12:51

My oh is rubbish at birthdays but great 364 other days....oh no....363 as he hates Christmas (how can you hate Christmas?) -- yes maybe I could make a fuss......but is it really worth it? I just do lovely treats with my friends.

Original poster

Birthdaysatmyage · 06/09/2019 12:54

@user1474894224 - actually you've summed up what usually happens with me! My DD is great at birthdays and always gets me a lovely thoughtful gift and makes a fuss. She is currently working away though, and it's the first time she's not been there on my birthday (which my DP knew about). I guess her absence is what has highlighted DP's lack of effort.

Does your DP spoil you at other times though?

OP posts:

30to50FeralHogs · 06/09/2019 13:17

I guess it’s all the more noticeable when he’s the only one there. Have you looked into the 5 Love Languages? Some people think it’s bollocks, but it has really helped my DP to understand me a bit more - my main love language is ‘acts of service’ so he knows that making me a cup of tea or helping with a job will make me feel loved. It isn’t just about the act itself, but the thoughtfulness behind it (ie me asking him to make me tea is a job, him doing it without me asking is an act of love!). Same goes for gifts I guess - it’s not grabby because you’re not interested in the item or experience for its own sake, otherwise you could buy it yourself, it’s about him showing you love by being thoughtful and considerate.

If he’s the sort of person who’d be open to reading about, it could open up a discussion about how you both prefer to show and receive love.

user1474894224 · 06/09/2019 13:18

Not in the usual sense. But....he is really laid back and more than happy for me to spoil myself (we share money and he doesn't tell me off if i treat myself occasionally). He is an amazing cook - so does cook delicious meals (but it means we rarely eat out). He is great with the kids. He is happy for me to go out with my friends - as he is more of a home person. I am a bit rubbish as housework - as I'd rather take the kids out etc....and he is very tolerant of that. It's give and take isn't it. I have friends who get amazing gifts.....but there OH possibly isn't as laid back as mine...... Maybe when your daughter is back you and her can go out for a lovely afternoon tea, or a spa afternoon, or a theatre trip (what ever it is the two of you enjoy doing together).

CIareIsland · 06/09/2019 13:29

Communication not mind reading. Be specific to what you need and want.

I hate fuss and “gifts” - I can buy whatever I want myself - I do like an “experience” tho for the whole family to experience on birthdays. So trip to the beach, theatre, exhibition, walk in the hills etc.

We would always discuss it beforehand - but might decide that it is a surprise experience for the birthday person.

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2019 13:38

So it was a work issue? Personally I would be like him and not rushing and potentially causing issues at work for anyone other than a child's birthday, and I'd be quite disappointed if my husband expected it. I wouldn't expect it of him,

So yeah I feel you're being a bit like a petulant child. If you want to go out for a meal suggest it.

On the other hand this is who you are, so you may as well tell him.

Original poster

Birthdaysatmyage · 06/09/2019 14:08

I have done the love languages thing - I can’t remember what came top but I know it wasn’t the gift giving one, so yes, it’s more about the thought put into it.

The point is I don’t want to have to suggest (and presumably book) my own birthday meal. I’d like home to have thought about in advance and sorted it. Likewise, with work, i am sure he could have left early if he’d thought about and planned in good time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Birthdaysatmyage · 06/09/2019 14:12

@ClareIsland - that’s a good idea re shared experience gifts. I think i’ll suggest that for Christmas.

I can buy stuff I like for myself too, but sometimes the really nice presents are those little special things that you’d like but just couldn’t really justify buying for yourself.

OP posts:

NewMe2019 · 06/09/2019 14:47

I never understand this MN attitude of adults should be grateful for a any old shite in their birthdays and special occasions. I think everyone deserves a bit of fuss and thoughtfulness on these days, especially from your partner. I'd be very disappointed.

I made a real fuss on my DPs birthday, and after years of zero effort from his ex, he was really touched at the effort I went to, and I know I'm getting the same effort in return. It's about making that person feel special. Rocking up late to a meal they had to cook and a few presents bought right next to their work is not making a person feel special at all.

GiveMeHope103 · 06/09/2019 14:49

Been together 12 years and I love my birthday just because my dh makes me feel so special. He usually takes the day off If it's a working day. Or we go away depending if it's closer to the weekend. Its special from the time I get up right until the day is over. His gifts are very thoughtful and planned in advance. He is just as thoughtful every other day of the year. Your birthday is a special day, it doesnt matter how old you are.

Deathraystare · 06/09/2019 15:54

30to50FeralHogs

I just love the name!!!

Original poster

Birthdaysatmyage · 06/09/2019 16:48

I never understand this MN attitude of adults should be grateful for a any old shite in their birthdays and special occasions.

I agree! And to be fair, things are nowhere near as bad as this. I’m just wishing I could be made a bit more of a fuss of on a special occasion.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 06/09/2019 17:30

OP, did he enjoy the nice fuss you made of him on his birthday?. If he did and he just hasn't bothered to do anything for you.....well I just think that isn't good enough.

I think it would be reasonable to say something like " is it your intention to make me feel like I am not special or worthy of being made a fuss of? Because if it is I want you to know I am very disappointed in you and hurt by your lack of effort for my birthday and I don't accept it".

The trick is to be calm and direct when you lob this bomb at his feet.

Then you wait and see.

If he is apologetic etc you can then, gently but firmly point out that you would like him to make an effort as you have.

If he gives you any guff and tries to minimise your needs and dismiss your feelings I would be having a hard think ie kick him to touch!

Happy birthday OP.💐

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