New job, work with ex, I think my new boss may have been involved with him.....?

[Savingforarainyday]

Hi

Name changed for this.

I've posted before about my ex. We were of and on for some years ( over 5). He is incredibly charming, smart, funny. Absolutely loves the attention and adoration of women. LOVES the chase. He would keep me very seperate from many areas of his social life- I was only welcome to a very narrow area of his life. He would very often push me away/ go cold for months, but was brilliant at making everything seem like my fault.
We split up 6 months ago after he said he loves the attention of women, finds it easy to be secretive and lie to me, and although he tried not to do it ( the last time we were together) but he missed it and was resentful. He had zero understanding that lying is, well, wrong.

Anyhow, my job is fairly niche. A fantastic role came up where he works. I really agonized over it, but eventually went for it, and got it.

There was a woman he worked with who, if she was at an event, then we always seemed to not go. We ran into her in town, and he acted very strangely.
I thought maybe he had a crush on her. They went running together ( as part of a group) a few times, and went out ( as a group) to some social things. Always him with a big group of women- exactly as he likes it.

My new boss is completely lovely, but I've been getting strange vibes off her occasionally. I've since realised ( since being in post) that she was part of the group my ex went running with, ( and maybe other events? Not sure). She is friends with the woman my ex was always awkward around/ made sure to keep me away from.

My ex has messaged me a few times. Once the day of my interview- which I thought was coincidental timing.

I've asked him if he could be a pal and let me know if there was any reason to feel awkward with anyone I worked closely with, but he said that " honestly, there's nothing to worry about, and he's not in touch with anyone "
What I'm thinking is that the friend ( of my new boss) maybe tried to set my ex up with my new boss while we were apart- probably a few years ago.

( I asked to manage any potentially awkward situations, not because I think it's any if my business!)

By the way, I understand people can date other people while they're split up. The thing that used to upset me the most is that he would lie and manipulative ( ie " no, there's been absolutely no one, I've been pining for you")
Etc

Does anyone have any advice?

Does anyone have any advice?

Block him completely. Best to have no contact at all.

Hi it sounds like you are well shot of him.

You enjoy your job so the only thing you can do is leave it where it belongs, in the past and focus pn your work. As time goes on it will be easier as you’ll naturally move on.

Seriously Op. He is a liar and likes having his ego stroked by women, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that he probably had entanglements where he worked.

He’s an Ex, not a friend, move on already.

Its absolutely not about him.
I've gained a great deal of clarity in the 6 months since we broke up.

I'm more concerned about my new boss. He would absolutely have lied about me ( because he was a big ol' liar). That worries me, but I think as she gets to know me she may realise I'm not a nut ( or whatever else he said).

I'm more of a " cards on the table" sort of a person, which probably isn't right in this situation.

I sense she feels awkward, but I can't yet place why.
I want to set her at ease- I just want to do my job....

Personally I would never have gone for a job where an ex like that worked, as others have said, theres bound to have been shenanigans with women there. Id hate that. Its the old don't shit on your own doorstep thing. They're probably looking at you worrying that you might find out that one of them was shagging him while he was with you or similar.

Did none of the people that interviewed you know anything about it? Now that you're therr, I'd keep away from him and tbh would do a bit of subtle slagging him off to show that you don't care about him to try and neutralise it all, god he was a nightmare, I'm so glad I'm out of all that or similar.

I think you need to be professional, get your head down and try to forget about it. You will eventually get to know your colleagues and gain each other's trust. It will become clear to your boss whether you are a 'nut' or not.

I definitely would not do any 'slagging him off', subtly or otherwise. Good grief.

It certainly isn't an ideal situation. I thought very long and carefully about it.
My career is niche, I'm good at it, I've been doing it for a while now, and full time roles like this just don't come along.
The pay is much better- it is everything I could have asked for in a job ( and it's close to home).
Except that he is there!
I don't have feelings for him anymore. The last time we spoke in person, a lightbulb went off that he is just a liar- not some tortured poor soul that needs TLC. Just a liar, who will always lie and is remarkably good at it!
He's took so much from me ( which I've since gained back in strength) - I couldn't let him take this away too.

I'm just going to keep my head down, do my job, and just be very professional.

Bloody hell. . Shambles!!

• he took

If your new boss is being polite, work friendly and professional, I'd simply put it to the back of my mind and leave it. You will gain NOTHING by dragging anything up. As for his 'running' buddy, do the same with her. You should be polite, friendly (in a work way), and professional.

As for him, stay the fuck away and avoid any, if not all, contact. Sounds like he likes the drama too and you really don't want that starting a new job. I bet he'd love to have several women fighting over him at work. Don't give that to him. You will be the one that suffers

She may be unaware of your past relationship with him .
Just never mention him .

yes thats the other thing, you might be being paranoid and she may know nothing about it. Id be surprised if theyd hire someone that they knew had a messy relationship with one of their other employees, I wouldn't.

If you do think he has been or is bad mouthing you I most certainly would start talking about him negatively band try and get my side of the story in! God people are such pushovers! Its a dog eat dog world in most corporate situations (assuming that is where you are, I'm sure public sector is the same) and i wpuld not want people judging me on what a confirmed liar had been saying. I think Id try and suss it our a bit first though as she may be unawares.

I don't understand why you haven't blocked the ex. If you blocked him and therefore have no more contact any future problems will disappear.

The way your talking is as a teen would in a relationship.

You handle it by blocking him on phone and all social media and then carry on without including him in your thought processes.

I'd just assume he's fucked every woman in the company, that they see you as just another notch on his bedpost if they care at all, and proceed from there. You sound quite concerned to establish that you were in a 'real' relationship with him, but frankly five years of on/off, especially if you've been kept in a separate compartment, won't have looked serious to anyone else. Br professional and don't give him headspace he doesn't deserve.

Just do your job and don’t mention who’s dick you’ve had a go on? Shouldn’t ever really come up in conversation should it now?

I can’t imagine your boss or anyone else is ever going to ask, so I’m not really seeing the issue tbh.

I'm really not interested in establishing that I was in a ' real' relationship.
I want to put it all behind me, some people in the company ( we are across two sites) would know we had been together, and would have gossiped.
That really isn't the issue.
It's more that
1)my immediate line manager may have also been involved
2) She probably heard crap about me
3) and most important.... I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.

I'm just going to crack on with work, and avoid the subject, be super professional....
😊

Isn't it more likely she knows he was cheating on you with her friend?

Gads, I wasnt clear...
I think the running friend was setting up my new boss with my ex.
He was very cagey about the whole running group thing, and a few other things....

Your best bet is to assume he’s nailed everyone and put it behind you. It’s not important. He’s nothing. Focus on your career and building new friendships. Block him completely. Do not even acknowledge his existence. If you see him at work a polite smile and a hi. That’s it. If he tries to engage you “I’d love to chat but I’m rushing to a meeting. I’ll ping you for a catch up” then don’t. This man is toxic. Get totally rid. If anybody asks you about him very calmly (whilst looking busily engaged in something else) “yeah sure. We dated for a bit. Don’t really know him that well to be honest. Seems like a nice guy. Anyone got any tippex?” Deflect ignore deflect ignore..

Forget about him, put it behind you. Don't jeopardise your life and job because of what he may or may not have done or said. Be great at your job, be yourself and they'll respect you at work. If he's slagged you off, they'll soon realise he's full of shit. Onwards and upwards.

Thanks
Yep, that's my gameplan - just be awesome, ignore him, deflect any questions.. it will be fine😊

You don't want her to feel awkward? What about you! You're the one in a new job getting to find your way..

Sounds like you feel overly responsible for others' feelings/happiness? Eg the last soul that was your ex who turned out to be a liar. But you put up with very shoddy treatment for 5 years before that. Did you hang on be you thought he was a poor little lost soul who needed you? Where's your grief that you've been led down the garden path by a charming liar who regularly humiliated you over 5 years? And now, all you're thinking about is your boss's feelings when it was YOU who was hung out to dry and humiliated - and these two women could have been party to that humiliation.

Sounds like a trip to CoDA might be a good next step 🌸

Whether or not your boss is going out with your ex is none of your business and shouldn't make you feel awkward. The only reason it might is because you still have feelings for him.

@springydaff
Thank you so much. Yes, he was manipulative, and enjoys using women to stoke his ego. And I was too generous with my kindness and understanding. I feel completely differently now- I finally saw him clearly, and feel much stronger than i ever have.

Gosh @Scott72 people aren't machines.

You're overthinking. Just work and be pleasant, and it'll sort itself out.

It was utterly no point asking him to give you the heads up, he lies and gets a kick out of it. He's probably delighted to still have that power.