I'm really struggling with my DH at the moment. We used to get on well with his DPs, although his DM has always been very controlling. It all came to a head one weekend away and resulted in a heated argument. MIL was tipsy and in a provoking mood and kept making sly, then gradually overt digs at me. It resulted in me telling her she was out of order and being blinkered, and then she called me various names and made lots of harsh comments that I'd rather not repeat in full. One of the lighter insults was that I was taking advantage of her DS by taking mat leave (DD was under 6m old and I was on good mat pay). My DH stepped in when his DF began to get physically intimidating.
I found it very difficult to forgive my DH for that night. I spent hours awake worrying, crying and holding our DD who had been sleeping in the next room but luckily didn't wake. It feels pathetic to admit, but I was on my period and was too scared to use the bathroom to change my sanitary wear in case they heard and started on me again as the bathroom was next to the bedroom they were using. He left me to go sit on the bed with his DPs who asked him such things as "are you okay" and "why do you love her". To this day he maintains there was nothing wrong in them asking this as they just wanted to know and the questions didn't cast any shade on me.
The next day I apologised for anything I said in the heat of the moment that was harsh, but his DPs wouldn't acknowledge. His DB starting texting saying their DM was complaining of chest pains after what had happened, etc. His DB totally cut me out of every aspect of his life.
Fast forward a few years and it is as if I don't exist. We have maintained sending Christmas/birthday cards to them but they ignore mine or don't send a Christmas card if it involves writing my name. When I was pregnant with our second child, I had to go in for an emergency c-section. They expected to be kept informed but passed on no well wishes to me and then sent a new baby card which obviously didn't mention my name. It's like I'm dead.
I said to DH that if he wants to maintain a relationship then that's up to him, but if they've never apologised to me or made any effort with me then I don't want to be involved. I've let him take our DD and DS to see them on a few occasions. It makes me sad to think of them together without me, as if I don't exist,but I don't want to be the lesser person. DH won't talk about them to me and when he does it's always with a sad face. Occasionally when we argue this gets brought up. Such as a birthday and no card, etc. I can't understand that he doesn't get angry on my behalf that they pretend I don't exist. I say to him that they have so little involvement with the DC, but he says that's his fault because he doesn't take them to see them too often and that they haven't apologised as he told them to leave it at the time of the event. I've explained that that really hurts because it implies that it's my fault as he stays with me and the DC, and surely they could make the effort to apologise or make some contact as they aren't children. Even he agrees that they were very much in the wrong that night, but it doesn't seem to bother him that they are happy to have a relationship with him and the DC which pretends I'm not here.
I feel so unimportant to him and feel that we will never move on because he just doesn't understand. I don't know how to explain how it all makes me feel. I can't even cry because I'm just so resigned about it. If I ever bring it up he just says "oh here we go, how do you bring it round to this" and calls me childish. He becomes very patronising and goads me until I say something stupid and then he tells me how immature I am. This is something he always does in disagreements, needles away until I say something I regret, then crows that I'm so childish and says it's not worth talking to me. He's also the master of the black mood which will put me on edge all day if things don't go the way he wants them to go.
I just don't know what to say to him. I just want to be treated like the woman he loves and has built a life with, rather than someone who he criticises if I don't do things the way he thinks I should do them. I think the disagreement with his DPs just highlights how he seems to not understand me or put me first.
Sorry for the length, I just needed to vent I think. I feel so trapped in this stupid cycle.