Is anyone else's partner lazy?

[user83921]

I'm 26, he's 25, but I honestly feel like his mother sometimes. He sits on his arse when he finishes work and I'm always doing something, ie dishes, laundry, hoovering.

Whenever I say anything about it, it's always 'well you moan at me if I do it wrong' or 'just tell me and I'll do it'

But I shouldn't have to tell him. If there is dishes needing doing, do it!

I joke that there's only two things he does in the household and that's 1. Taking the bins out 2. Mowing the grass. He now pays someone to mow the grass and has forgotten to take the bins out for the past 2 weeks.

My mum says it's a 'man thing' but please tell me they grow out of it?!!!

Please offer your advice as I just feel taken for granted. Like does he not feel bad?!

Ps. I also work full time.

He will not change. He is lazy and making excuses about you moaning about his crap attempts.

I had an ex like that. Showed him four times how to work the washing machine and he still said he couldn’t do it. There was only one button to select between regular wash and wool or hand wash (as it was set temperatures). Couldn’t even do that right.

Then I got him saying there was no point in him doing it as he never does it right and I always moan.

He never cut the grass. Said if I wanted grass I could cut it and he’s prefer slabs or red chips.

He hoovered once, took him three hours as he pulled all the furniture out to do it right and then he refused to do it again (Id only asked him to have a ‘quick run round’ with the hoover) as it took too long. Didn’t do his share of dishes, never seemed to notice.

He was just like his father. Did loads of diy and repairs to electrical and cars, but F all else.

He’s got his own house now. F knows how that’s working out for him. I imagine his mother will be helping him with housework and he probably pops by at night for his dinner and to collect his washing on his way home from work....

So everyone who doesn’t teach their darling children how to do housework and instil in them an understanding that, (like homework, it’s got to be done) is not doing their future relationships a favour!

I knocked my pan in for that man for a decade. What a waste of my time!

Have a last go at speaking to him again. Tell him this is his last chance to shape up as you’re not a skivvy and stuff has to be done. If he won’t do his share cook your own meals. Don’t wash or iron his clothes. And he could get a cleaner he pays for with his own spending money not your joint money if he doesn’t want to do dishes and hoovering.

Good luck.

Definitely not a man thing.

I’m far lazier than DH

Dump his lazy arse. This is who he is and it won't improve.

I'm sure there are some men who are willing to listen to their partner and then change their habits to keep the house together.

My ex was not one of them. Bottom line was he valued his time, opinions and comfort above mine ( in this and other areas) and had no intention of changing anything just because I had asked him.

My dp is the same. So bloody lazy I really resent him for it. I have to force him to do things, then I'm nagging!
I grew up watching my mum do absolutely everything and my dad did nothing except wash the cars and cut the grass. My dp doesn't even do those things. Because I grew up watching that, I just sort of thought that's the way it was. My mum is also an inverted misogynist. As I've grown up and had my own children, I've come to realise that actually, I'm not there to clean up look after everyone all the time. I'm a person too. I wasn't put on this earth to allow other people to be lazy gits, whether they are my family or not. MN made me come to that realisation actually around 8 years ago. Unfortunately I was already with dp and didn't realise how lazy he was until I was 7 months pregnant.

I divorced mine op
They don’t change or ‘grow out of it’

Find a proper grown up

He must truly hold you in disdain if he thinks you're there to pick his pants up off the floor and wash his dirty clothes and pots without payment.

A therapist friend of mine said to me 'If your team is watching you struggle they are not your team.'
Why would you want a partner to struggle and be worn out?
Words to live by.

Can’t help... I do the big clean weekly, toilets shower mopping etc and the monthly jobs, oven blinds etc but my partner is really good and will wash up , share the cooking, hoover, top cleaning etc. And any other odd jobs I do deligate lol. When partner is doing more over time (can be 6-6 6 days a week in peak) ill pick up more stuff as he is knackered!!

I think i’d be really upset and frustrated with no help but not sure if it’s changeable .

It’s really not acceptable. You’re not his servant so stop acting like one.
My dh and kids all do stuff around the house because that’s what benefits all of us.

@Cecilandsnail marry him

OP "men" like him don't change. Why would he when there are women around to do everything for him? His parents probably never raised him to do his fair share.

I joke that there's only two things he does in the household

Stop joking with him about it for a start, it’s not funny!

Sit down with him and make a list of all the jobs. You both work FT, so allocate half to him and half to you.

That way you don't need to tell him what to do - he knows. Then leave him to get on with it.

I suggest he has those tasks that impact him the most if they don't get done, e.g. shopping and cooking.

I divorced mine.. now remarried to someone who does so much; goes the extra mile in every way, that I’m ashamed to say I’ve turned a bit lazy!

Not a man thing at all. I have an incredibly lazy husband and it is a marriage killer. Men like this steamroll you into PND when you have a baby. Why? Because you're so flat out exhausted, you never get a break, you're doing all the work and all the nights with the baby, they never relieve you, you're running on empty with no sleep and you go slowly mad. Meanwhile, they're sitting on the sofa, enjoying mindless tv, oblivious to your needs. Don't have kids with him. He is a time bandit!

Nah. Lazy arses don't grow out of it. My ex lazy arse found someone else to be a lazy arse with and upped his lazy arse game.

If your team is watching you struggle they are not your team.

Write that on a post—it and stick it on the fridge.

And KEEP asking yourself why he thinks it is OK to sit and watch you run yourself ragged (don’t listen to the inevitable ‘but you have higher standards‘ bullshit). Ask yourself would YOU do that to someone you loved. Would you even do it to a housemate in a flatshare? And if not why not? And what do you think that says about his opinion of you?

Why do women move in with men like this? Unless he's had a massive change since moving in together, the signs of his laziness/not pulling his weight would have been there from day one, way before the living together stage. I can't stand laziness. Or sexism. Both are absolute dealbreakers for me. But the two combined? They'd kill any romantic feelings I had instantly and we'd be done. Sadly, some women put up with men like this. Some women raise men like this! I'm glad I was raised to know that I deserve better and never to settle for this. Know your worth OP.

HundredMilesAnHour I couldn't agree more. I'm mystified why women move in and stay with useless, lazy lumps. He won't change and it will get ten times worse if you have children with him. Kick him out and raise your relationship bar higher, find yourself an adult.

There's no point in living with him if you don't have kids, you can still see him, if you want to.

My eldest DS recently split up with his GF who he was living with as he could no longer bare her laziness. He works very long hours in the hospitality trade and she was a student but despite having hours on her hands, would do literally nothing in their flat.

He was brought up to pull his weight in the house and was happy to share the domestic chores but ended up doing everything and was exhausted. He tried really hard to get her to change but she was very happy with the status quo and quite content to live in chaos. She was and is a lovely girl and I miss her but I think she is the laziest, most untidy person I've ever met; her parents had done her no favours by doing absolutely everything for her. So no, it's not just a man thing although I do concede that men form
the vast majority of lazy people I have known.

I don't think he'll change, OP, as the set up
he has now suits him just fine. If he does amend his ways then I'd lay money on it being a temporary improvement and he'll soon revert to type.

No, he'll never change, except to get worse.
Because wifework.

He's a lazy waster who will only get worse.

Welcome to your future OP if you are not careful.

Definitely not a man thing as my wife is like this. Granted she has some health issues but she'll just ignore the mess everywhere until I clean and tidy it.