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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stay for the child or leave an unhappy marriage?

25 replies

Lonelyoldgoat · 05/09/2019 19:55

Hi,
In a nutshell, I’m a very lonely mid 30’s woman, with a 1 year old son. I met my husband when 15 years ago, have been married for 7 years. The past 4-5 years have been turbulent, with my husbands depression worsening and our relationship turning very toxic. I find him very controlling, he has anger issues (although has never hit me) and he basically says he’s wasted his life with me. I’m no angel, I rarely want sex with him because of how he talks to me (I’m useless, stupid, he doesn’t know how I’d get by without him etc). It’s got so bad that on a few occasions now he says he hates me. I feel utterly exhausted and have zero confidence. We both adore our son, but since he’s come along I’ve become more vocal about my husbands language toward me, and more defensive and argumentative with him. I don’t want my son growing up thinking that this is how a man should treat his wife. If I’m honest, I’ve tried so hard to put a brave face on it all, pretending that we’re happy when deep down we are miserable. He tells me he resents me and in the past has blamed his depression on me. I really feel like the time has come to call it a day, but I am feeling overwhelmingly guilty for my son. I’m not from a broken family, and the last thing I want is to cause any harm to my child. Yet, I don’t see how staying together like this is healthy for him either. Our boy is our number one priority. I guess my question is, has anyone stayed unhappily married for the children only to regret it, and likewise has anyone left an unhappy marriage with a child involved and feel they made the best choice? I’m struggling with feelings of guilt, that I couldn’t provide a better home life for my son, but I feel I can’t carry on like this for the next 20 years. When do you know that enough is enough?
Thanks for listening x

OP posts:

Mabelface · 05/09/2019 19:59

Doing it whilst your son is a baby man's that he won't know anything else growing up. You can't stay with this man, you know this.

beckycharlie · 05/09/2019 20:05

Please leave him! My mom stayed with my dad for mine and my brothers sake and we grew up treading on eggshells with constant arguments. I will never put my kids through that.

Ilikewinter · 05/09/2019 20:11

Leave whilst your son is young, kids are aware of a toxic relationship, my brother remembers things I didnt think he was aware of and he was 6 when mum n dad split up

BuckingFrolics · 05/09/2019 20:13

Leave now not later. It gets harder not easier for the child.

Original poster

Lonelyoldgoat · 05/09/2019 20:15

Thank you both, this is my main issue. If I stay, I feel like it will continue to be unbearable, and if we split when he’s older it’ll only be worse. I feel like I’ve failed him if I decide to leave though. I’m very traditional, I know everyone wants to live happily ever after but I never imagined I’d be doing it on my own. It will kill me that’s i won’t see my son as much too, I’m presuming people try to split custody fairly nowadays? Thing is, if I leave it means going back to work full time so I’ll get even less time with my son as he grows up. I feel like this is a total mess. I appreciate the comments. It’s good to hear input on how you felt BeckyCharlie as the child in the unhappy marriage. X

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 05/09/2019 20:18

Your husband is abusive and you may not be from a "broken family" but you are certainly in one now. LTB for your child's sake if not your own. It's a million times better to be a single parent than to be in a relationship like this, all the more so for your child.

Original poster

Lonelyoldgoat · 05/09/2019 20:22

I think I needed to hear that. I am in a broken family, I just haven’t realised it...

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 05/09/2019 20:27

dodgeballchamp · 05/09/2019 20:33

Oops sorry, wrong thread.

rottiemum88 · 05/09/2019 20:49

Like @beckycharlie my parents stayed in an unhappy marriage, supposedly for my benefit, and I grew up being acutely aware of how toxic their relationship was. Ultimately it resulted in my dad meeting OW and leaving with just the clothes on his back when I was 18 and almost derailing my A-Level year. I've not spoken to my dad since that day over 13 years ago and my relationship with my mum never properly recovered after I watched as she allowed herself to be walked over for years. Obviously mine is a particularly unhappy example but my point really OP is that you should do the right thing for yourself and your son now - he won't thank you for staying in years to come if all it leads to is misery. All the best

NerrSnerr · 05/09/2019 21:00

My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage until I went to university. They thought that they hid the arguments and that I was asleep but I heard it all. Children are not stupid, they know when something's not right.

ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents · 05/09/2019 21:05

OP, leaving and providing a healthy environment by co-parenting is the best option for you son. Sometimes relationships do not work but that does not mean that the parents love their child any less.

I would never advise for you to sacrifice your own happiness and mental health for the sake of your children. Growing up in a toxic and miserable atmosphere will do more damage to the child than if you both co-parented and went your separate way.

There is no shame, nor guilt in this so please do not allow yourself to feel as though you have failed or are selfish. Your happiness is important for your child.

Discuss this with your partner, make it clear that you will both do what is best for your son but it is time to end the relationship. There's no need to play the blame game but just accept that it's evident that neither of you are happy and it is time to move on and create a new path.

Your family is far more broken now than it would be if you left.

I wish you the absolute best, and I hope the next chapter for you is one filled with happiness and love.

mindutopia · 05/09/2019 21:05

I very clearly remember the day my mum told me that she and my dad were getting a divorce. I was 8. I was happy and so excited for the move and finally not having to walk around on eggshells. He had always been cruel to her but it eventually turned on me. I also very clearly remember him chasing me down the stairs and throwing a drinking glass at me. I ducked just in time and it smashed on the wall and glass shattered all around me. If she’d left when I was 1, I never would have had to go through all of that. There’s never a reason to stay for the kids.

Moffa · 05/09/2019 21:07

@Lonelyoldgoat I’m in a similar situation except I have two DC. I left 6 months ago and I have no regrets.

I would recommend getting psychotherapy, you can self refer via NHS, look into The Freedom Programme and read Lundy Bancroft’s book “why does he do that?’

You will see so much of the behaviour you describe from your H in the book.

Best of luck with your decision xx

NewMe2019 · 05/09/2019 22:26

I was very unhappy in my marriage and stayed longer for the kids. Then I realised I was a crappy parent (DCs wouldn't agree mind) because I was miserable. I also read about cases where the parents split once the kids left home and it made them feel like their childhoods was a lie.

We split last year. I just felt relieved. It's been harder on my eldest though. Do it whilst your son is young and he won't know any different.

BuckingFrolics · 06/09/2019 07:49

Good grief the evidence is unequivocal that a child is happier with a happy mother than an unhappy mother. Yes you'd see less of your DS in the short term and that's a real sadness, but you cannot compare quality and quantity. For your DS to have a sad defensive angry bitter resentful scared hurt etc mother is terrible for him. You stay and he grows up seeing an awful parenting model. You want him to think it's ok to tell ones partner that one hates them? You want him to treat his future partner like his dad treats you?

You and your DS are young and who knows what your future might be regarding bringing him up "in a family". You stay, and you have shut the door in love, intimacy, a sense of peace and joy in your home, for ever.

Original poster

Lonelyoldgoat · 06/09/2019 19:34

Thank you everyone for your comments. It’s nice to know there are people out there listening. @NewMe2019 I appreciate your words given it sounds like you’ve been through the same thing. I also feel like I am a miserable parent (my son currently is the happiest boy which seems like a miracle given all the conflict at home). @Moffa thank you for the recommendation- I’ll read it and hope it’ll give me some insight into why things have gotten so bad. I’m pleased you’re through the bad times and have no regrets. I packed some things this morning and have gone to stay with my mum for a while to get my head straight. My son is with me. I know in my heart it’s over, but now I’ve left he’s very remorseful and doesn’t want to split for good (despite previously telling me he does on many occasions). I can’t back down and have to see this through. Thank you all for giving me some confidence to go with my gut. X x

OP posts:

MadKittyCatMum · 06/09/2019 19:53

My parents stayed together for the kids & I wish she’d left him.

I am now a single Mum having left a marriage that drove me to the brink of resentment.

I left because I had experienced what it’s like to live in a family with two warring factions.

I don’t regret my decision, it’s not easy but generally nothing is.

Moffa · 06/09/2019 20:32

Well done! This could be your first step. Good luck! X

Span1elsRock · 06/09/2019 20:36

All children want is for their parents to be happy. It's really that simple. And your DS will know that you aren't, trust me.

Make that break and give him a childhood he can remember with affection

AnotherEmma · 07/09/2019 08:13

Well done OP. Keep posting if you would like more support

zsazsajuju · 07/09/2019 11:06

As a child of parents who stayed together despite being desperately unhappy I would say break up. I think in my parents case they ended up utterly hating each other which is toxic and horrible for the kids. I think if my parents were honest the reason they stayed together was because they were too scared to break up.

BuckingFrolics · 09/09/2019 09:11

Lonely well done you've shown great strength and care for your DS. You'll have some wobbles as we all do when making life changes. I'm sure - based on your posts - you are doing the right thing. Be as kind to yourself as you would a dear friend going through what you are.

milliefiori · 09/09/2019 09:17

If you know that there is no way you can turn the unhappy marriage into a happy one now is the right time to leave. Your son is young enough not to feel the break.
Your husband's depression is his responsibility. He can't pin it on you. That's emotional bullying. He needs to sort himself out. And you and your son deserve to be happy. I completely understand your desire to stay faithful to your marriage vows, but if that's the only thread the marriage is hanging by, it's not strong enough to last.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2019 09:19

Yet, I don’t see how staying together like this is healthy for him either
It's not healthy and you know that.
Your DS will grow up thinking this is how you treat women.
He will become an abuser like his DDad or he will be a victim.
You've totally done the right thing.
He won't change.
He would need a lot of therapy to even start the process.
Protect your son.
Stay put. He will threaten all sorts in the coming weeks.
He will go from being over nice to being angry and nasty.
Making all sorts of promises that he can't keep.
He will use your DS a pawn.
He'll threaten suicide etc......
It's all part of the abuse and manipulation so pay no attention to that.
Any of this behaviour will just reinforce for you that he definitely hasn't changed.
You keep doing what is right for you and your DS.

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