Struggling to get on with brothers girlfriend...

[kylieeee]

The title says it all... I've never met anyone quite like her! So I have two slightly older brothers, theres roughly 3 year gaps between each of us. We have always been thick as thieves and really close, even more so since we went through a lot of trauma together as kids and had to look out for each other. I don't know if this is why he's drawn to turbulent relationships, but every girl he's been with has been fiery and argumentative.

We thought we'd seen the worst until he brought this one home. They've been together on and off for about 3 years, and with no exaggeration, they argue practically EVERY. DAY. Not little bickers either, full blown throwing things, screaming at each other and more often than not, one of them storms out with a packed bag. Then we play the 'So & so is single' Facebook game. They block eachother. Only for them to make up hours later, until the next day lol!

Don't get me wrong, my brother can give as good as he gets, but this girl... ugh. She is manipulative, aggressive and knows how to push his buttons. For example, last New Year's Eve they both had a drink and to no ones surprise, an argument began. She stormed out of the house, and both my brothers went after her as it was early hours of the morning and they were concerned for her safety. She was stood at the top of the driveway on the phone to her mum screaming for my brother to 'stop touching me, get off me, your hurting me!' Only... my brother was stood at the opposite end of the drive, with my other brother witnessing it. God this is hard not posting names lol! When she realised she had been rumbled as a liar, she ran up the road and banged on a neighbours door begging them to phone the police and to help her. Now let me just stress this, my brother is not, and never will be violent. I am his little sister who he adores and I believe this has taught him how to respect women.

Long story short, the police came and arrested him. She then phoned my other brother once sober and giggled 'I feel so bad, I didn't think he'd get arrested!'

Stupidly he forgave her the next morning and all was well. His dumb decision, apparently the arguments keep 'the spark' alive!🙄 This is all well and good, it's his decision who he chooses to be with... until it spills onto us.

The longer they've been together, the more disgusting she has become towards us. Her attitude is absolutely vile. I don't know if it's embarrassment of what we've seen her do? They were drunk a few months ago and she turned on my mum (who let her live there rent free might I add). The way she spoke to her is unrepeatable but she really twisted the knife in some wounds that are there through no fault of my mums. She is amazing and has been through hell and back, not only that but she did her best by us. She has also done this to me multiple times, she starts arguments for no reason. We could be having a perfectly fine conversation for her to have a personality change and say 'your being blunt and bitchy'. It's like treading on eggshells.

She completely took over my mums house when she moved in, she threw all of my mums kitchenware away because she didn't like it, told my other brother his friends couldn't come round because she didn't like them, and would tell my brother to ask my mum not to talk to her when she got in from work because she can't be bothered with the conversation after a long day.

All in all, she's an asshole.

Her and my brother ended up getting kicked out of my mums after she was so vile towards her, and vandalised the house. They now have their own flat together and I know that means babies, which makes me really sad. I should be so excited for this new chapter, to see my brothers first home, to be an auntie to his kids. But she's just so horrid and I'm struggling to be happy for him. How can I have as little to do with her without losing my brother?

Sorry for the long ass post!!

This is all well and good, it's his decision who he chooses to be with... until it spills onto us.

All you can do is not allow it to spill over onto you. And you alone. You can’t control what your mother or other brother do or have to do with your brother and his partner.

He’s choosing to be with her so on some level it’s clearly working for him, and as an adult that’s his decision to make. You don’t have to like her or get along well with her. You just have to be civil when you’re around her. Is that gonna be an issue for you do you think?

You can’t control your brother’s life, or his relationships. You can’t control his girlfriend’s behaviour, or his reaction to it. If you attempt to interfere in their relationship, you risk alienating him.

There is only one thing you can control and that is how much or how little contact you choose to have with her. That is the reality.

@GammaStingRay it's not an issue to be civil with her, no. I've done that for most of their relationship and actually used to tolerate her being nasty to me because if I ever stood up for myself my brother would get on my case and tell me to apologise. She's completely changed him as a person from telling him how to dress, who his friends should be and how he should behave. He's a shell of who he used to be and it's sad. It's hard for it not to spill onto me personally when she's constantly confrontational. She thrives off of arguing and drama, she told me once that she likes it when we argue because it means our relationship is real. It's bizarre...

@AgeLikeWine it's hard to have little to no contact with her if I want to see my brother though. They're never apart unless they've argued. We've drifted apart massively already anyway so I think this might just be how we are now. Thanks for the advice

Just be civil when you see her and keep in regular contact with your brother so he knows you are part of his life when he decides he's had enough

@jjinglejanglebox I think that’s pretty. I’m in my late 30s have very little drama (and had a whole heap in my 20s) and would be devastated if my brother got in a relationship like this. Especially if I felt like it was changing his personality for the worse. And even more so if I suspected that he was in it due to early trauma he had experienced. OP, all you can do is be there for him and hope he sees the light. They normally do...

*pretty unfair!

My brother's had relationships like this. All you can do is stand well back, be non-committal around them and focus on your own life and relationships. On some level this fulfils your brother. This relationship might end but he might always have relationships like this, some people do.

telling him how to dress, who his friends should be and how he should behave this comes under the new coercive control law and she sounds horribly abusive. Have you considered she may be a narcissist as she shows alot of traits. Your brother is really playing with fire here, especially if she is willing to get him arrested under false pretences and if he is responding by shouting and throwing things then I can easily see him being portrayed as the abusive one (however throwing things in anger is abusive).

I really feel for you OP as it must be hard to see your mum being treated so horribly. I think I would really struggle to not say anything in that situation although it's difficult because both your mum and brother are adults and you have to let them handle things in their own way. I think all you can do is be as reasonable as you can be around her but set clear boundaries with her and make it clear that you will not tolerate her crossing them. If your brother is happy to be with someone who is abusive to his sister and mother then I'd be reconsidering my relationship with him also, as harsh as that sounds.

I'm in a slightly similar situation in that my sister repeatedly dates abusive, alcoholic users and insists on bringing them around her DC and mine. I've actually cut contact with her because of this (there is alot to the story) because I simply cannot tolerate being exposed to it anymore. I used to feel sorry for her and having been in abusive relationships in the past myself, I know how easy it is to be sucked in but the most recent one I told her to stay away from day 1 as I knew this guy before her but she refused to listen and still introduced him to her DC after a few months and started bringing him to family events.

I dont think you are enjoying the drama. It's horrible when a toxic person comes into your family and causes so many problems. Your brother sounds quite young and hopefully he will be able to find his way out of this destructive situation eventually.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/04/16/controlling-girlfriend-first-woman-convicted-new-domestic-abuse/amp/

I saw a documentary on this a while back and there are some elements I can see in what you describe she is doing to your brother.

Get a grip. Remember you only have one side of the story and you are biased as he is your brother. This had nothing to do with you. Try focusing on your own life. Nothing to do with you

@jjinglejanglebox, the OP has listed several examples where she has witnessed this behaviour so it's not really down to hear say or differing opinion. She is directly involved in being treated like shit by this person so I'd say it has everything to 'do' with her and I don't know many people who wouldn't be upset by what OP has described. Her brother is in a toxic and abusive relationship, so she has every reason to be concerned.

@Jaffacakesaremyfave thank you so much for the reply and for putting the rather rude @jjinglejanglebox in their place. For the record, I don't enjoy the drama at all. We've been through plenty of that to last a lifetime and I just want a quiet life. The girl is definition of a narcissist. At no point have I said he shouldn't be with her, I just can't get along with somebody with such horrid traits and have no option but for her to be in my life. I've had to block her on everything because she sends me abusive messages. If I enjoyed the drama do you not think I'd be biting back? This post isn't about how to control other people's lives, perhaps you should find another thread to troll people.