Partner in RAF

[upups]

My boyfriend has recently been accepted to become a driver in the raf. We currently live in Scotland and he would have to be based in England so I would need to think about moving which is scaring me a lot.

Has anyone experienced being with someone in the raf? Is it hard? Can you give me any advice?

I just hate the unknown really😬

My DH is currently serving RAF, and I’m ex-Army.
What do you want to know??

I'll give you some advice.

Get married before you give up your home and job and close proximity to your friends and family to follow and support him in his career.

@ThePolishWombat literally anything! Is the housing nice? Is it hard moving a lot? Is there even a lot of moving? Do you think it's right for a child? Is it hard being away from family? What are the pros and cons about the job and the environment?...yeah pretty much anything hahaha

Ok, so when it comes to housing: general rule is you’re only entitled to military housing if you are married, and then the size/type of property is based on rank and/or family size.
There’s recently been a move towards the FAM (Future Accomodation Model) on some camps around the country where unmarried couples (who can prove it’s a long-term relationship) can apply for surplus married quarters. But you’ll only be allocated a property if there’s surplus housing available, and even then if a married couple/family get posted in who need the property, you will be given notice to vacate.
I know people who aren’t married who’ve moved together to a posting and have private rented in the local area, but that’s obviously the expensive option (depending on location!).
I can’t really comment on whether it would be good for children or not, because it’s all my children have ever known! My eldest has started school this week, and I’m only now starting to feel a bit more concerned about future postings etc and having to disrupt her life now that she’s settled here - but that’s just part and parcel of this lifestyle! Military kids are pretty resilient when it comes to stuff like that because they become so used to change - new schools, new houses, friends coming and going etc.
The biggest pro of the job for us is the job security! As long as your DP can maintain required fitness/medical requirements etc then his job is pretty much safe and you don’t need to worry about it.
Biggest con for us is the obvious one: deployments and time away for courses/exercises/training etc. Can be anything from a few days at a time to a few months - the longest my DH has been away was 7 months (Afghanistan). Again, DCs do become quite resilient to it, especially when it’s all they’ve ever known, but they are only human! My DC1 struggles much worse than DC2 when daddy goes away
It can be quite hard for partners of serving personnel to settle into/find jobs etc especially if the serving person’s trade means frequent moves (every 2-3 years is quite normal for certain trades). There’s lots of SAHP’s in the military community for exactly that reason, and also lots of partners who run businesses from home - there’s never a shortage of hairdressers/beauty therapists/childminders etc on most military bases because they are skills/businesses that can move with them when they get posted!
There’s lots of people who choose to do “married unaccompanied”, which means that the military acknowledge the marriage but you don’t move to live at the serving person’s duty station, you stay in your own home and the serving person lives in the Single Living Accomodation (block) on camp. It works well for some families who either aren’t married, or don’t want to disrupt jobs/children’s education etc, but it’s not something I would ever want to do. I figure my DH spends enough time away from us as it is, so him spending mon-fri and any working weekends away as well would just be awful for us!

It’s a huge lifestyle change, that is often quite emotionally taxing for all of us (even though DH would never admit that!), but you can definitely make it work if it’s something you want

@ThePolishWombat thank you so much! You've given me a good bit of reality, I've got a lot of thinking to do x

Dd is in the navy, unlike the army she's likely to be able to be based out of the same base but obviously there's sea time. It's definitely a whole family lifestyle, even we have needed to adapt. But it is a good life

DH is RAF and my career has thrived, I've gotten promoted on every posting because changing jobs is generally good for experience and promotion! If he gets posted to Wittering they are doing a trial of the FAM housing situation so you wouldn't have to be married for a quarter there.

Our kids are very easy going and never struggled, but we did make the decision to buy at his last posting and we don't plan to move, there's enough bases in the area for him to commute to. So they've never had to change schools, we moved around a fair bit as pre schoolers which was fine. It would break their hearts to move them now.

They can actually do up to 5 years in a posting as an RAF driver so it's not as much moving around as you'd think.

It's pretty easy to get Cyprus as a RAF driver if that interests him, you'd have to be married to go with him though.

I've been married to the RAF for 20 years and reiterate much of the above. Just don't be one of 'those' girlfriends who is in a relationship with someone in the forces and then complains about the forces. You are doing absolutely the right thing to think it through, and then think it through again before committing BUT if he's the right one for you and you for him you can have a blast. Our children have lived in the UK, Cyprus and Vegas and now back in the UK for good. They have amazing experiences and memories and have all (including our Aspergic son) developed excellent social and adaptation skills. Deployment is a tough gig but, again, it's about communication where you can and not sweating the small stuff. Oh and the balls etc are great.

Cons. It frightens me and sometimes you have to go through some awful experiences alongside your man. We attended a wedding in August 2015 and the groom's funeral in November of the same year, the day after the funeral of another friend who died in the same crash. It's rare, but it's real. The whole 'rank' thing can be, frankly, wanky. When my husband was commissioned, all of a sudden I had new 'friends' who hadn't spoken to me before! (I think this is a side that might be improving but maybe I just don't notice it nowadays...) Some accommodation is shit and I mean, properly shit. For some reason the RAF seem to get off lightly in this regard compared to army quarters many of which are an absolute fucking disgrace. If you want children, some do struggle with the moving, parents away etc. The military community tends to be very supportive but if a family is something you are considering, it's worth a thought.

Overall, if you love him and he loves you, do it. There are worse jobs to have to share a house with and the uniforms are hot.

There’s lots of people who choose to do “married unaccompanied”, which means that the military acknowledge the marriage but you don’t move to live at the serving person’s duty station, you stay in your own home and the serving person lives in the Single Living Accomodation (block) on camp.

My (Army) husband and I do this, and it works well. Well, worked well, we're having a baby so I'm finally relenting and moving but that's a whole other thread! But don't immediately dismiss it as an idea, it can work.

You've had loads of good advice on this thread and I don't have much to add beyond if he's going in and then will be on constant courses away from home for a lot of the first six months/year, I would wait to move until he is around more consistently. There's nothing worse than moving somewhere where you don't know anyone or anything, and then the only person you do know f*cking off for 6 months.

Good luck - for all its ridiculous points, the Forces gives us a good life.

@thebakerwithboobs I can’t believe I forgot to mention that every camp has its “Susan” who wears her husband’s rank like a shiny tiara
So jealous that you guys got posted to Vegas!!! I have a friend who’s just about to go there too, and another who’s off to Canada at Christmas.

My DH is in the RAF. We've been together 26yrs, married for 25. DS1 is now in the army, DS2 has asthma so couldn't join up but he would have if he could have.

I changed my carer when my children started school, was a SAHM until then, then became too poorly to work. Some wives/partners will tell you its impossible to work because your partner is away or they work irregular hours but it's not.

My children's education didn't suffer but we were lucky with postings. We've managed to stay where we live now for the last 13 years, but DH has been posted 4 times, just to stations that are commutable.

Atm you and your partner won't qualify for surplus housing. You have to have 4 years service in order to apply.

@ThePolishWombat I must admit Vegas was aces. We did laugh as we saw more of our families and friends when in Vegas and Cyprus than we did when we were in the arse end of Norfolk, it's a mystery 🧐

And yes. Susan who wants to be saluted a the gate because don't they know who she is?? The joyous politics of camp life!

@thebakerwithboobs I’ve heard of lots of people who’ve said similar!! A close friend of mine has been to both Aki and Lossiemouth and says she saw her parents (from South East England) more when they were at Aki than in Scotland because it was actually less of a pain in the arse to travel to Cyprus!!!
I’m very lucky where we are now that my parents are only about 2 hours away - so close enough for visits and available in an emergency, but not so close that they could just drop by unannounced

I'm a RAF wife. My husband is aircrew which means that he regularly goes away for roughly 5 weeks at a time. He is often away for things like kids birthdays, Christmas etc. The accommodation is dependent on rank. Officers get better accommodation because they have a higher status. My kids have had to accept it but it did cause my son quite a lot of upset when he was around 5 because he wanted daddy and daddy was in Cyprus.
One thing that I have had big issues with is the RAF mindset. Some still think because they have the raf as a kind of status symbol that when they are away on tour they can behave however they like. Last year my husband posted a video of himself being spanked by a woman in a nurses uniform filmed in a club while he was deployed to Vegas. This sort of behaviour is often encouraged by their colleagues and considered to be acceptable. It nearly ended our marriage. In hindsight, while there are some very good perks about being in the raf, if I had my time again then I would never have chosen this lifestyle and would have walked away before kids.

Wow thank you all for the replies I am loving reading all the different experiences and opinions. We do already have an 11 month old so that's why I had mentioned children as it does worry me that he will miss his dad a lot and it might strain there relationship.

Atm you and your partner won't qualify for surplus housing. You have to have 4 years service in order to apply.

Sorry, I also just wanted to say is this still true? I thought it had changed in April so unmarried couples are able to apply for a pad straight away? But someone will know better than me, I'm terrible at all this stuff - I just get a weekly newsletter and felt like I read about this...

I love my DH, but in honesty, I wouldn't chose this life if I had my time again. We have bought a house and he is away during the week as 'following' him around was soul destroying; and he was away a lot of the time as well! However, everyone is different and you will find something that works for you, it is definitely harder with a child involved as you have to pick up the pieces when daddy is away, and also if you want to get back to work it's either challenging moving around a lot, or if you stay put somewhere doing childcare alone alongside working. Not meaning to be negative, many people love it and I don't think children are disadvantaged if that makes sense, but please be realistic especially as he is joining when you are already together. I agree you need to think about marriage if you are planning on moving really, and most postings are for 3 years or so, but this can vary, as can time away on exercise and deployments. Most camps have a community for families which is a lifeline when away from family and friends.

@upups we were going to go unaccompanied but my eldest was same age as yours and I just couldn't see us being a family 2 days a week. Moving was the best thing we ever did. Drivers don't go away all that much really, not compared to some trades, my husband was on one of the busiest MT squadrons but his stats were regular but short, 1-2 weeks away, it in no way made MQs pointless. As I say they can extend to 5 years, but I'd recommend moving around while the kids are young, it's an adventure. Deployments are only 4 months, usually every 2 years or so as an SAC driver, so not too bad really.

Last year my husband posted a video of himself being spanked by a woman in a nurses uniform filmed in a club while he was deployed to Vegas. This sort of behaviour is often encouraged by their colleagues and considered to be acceptable.

Take this with a pinch of salt OP-that's one person's experience but I can't say it mirrors mine. I have just read that out to my old man and son (recently joined Navy) and the consensus is that you get twats like that in every walk of life-people make choices.

@Croquembou I think from my small knowledge too that some bases do allow unmarried couples to get a house if they have children, my partners brother is also in the raf and him and his girlfriend recently got a lovely three bed as he has just had his little girls three days ago.

I'm definitely just thinking it all through, I want to do what's best for all of us. I don't want to rush into anything and then regret it and feel stuck...

I’m pretty sure for unmarried sfa under the new fan he has to have served a minimum of 4 years and relationship has to have been registered on jpa for a year .

I think Ruby is right - except I don’t think the relationship has to have been registered on JPA for a year, you just have to prove that the relationship has been going on for longer than a year.
The only other way I’ve known an unmarried person to get SFA is a commonwealth lad who works with DH. His family were back in his home country, and his career choice makes him a target for violence when he goes home. So they classed him as a refugee on JPA Don’t think claiming refugee status from Scotland would quite wash with the powers that be

I'm sure you're both right - I'm absolutely rubbish at all this stuff.

I am a very crap Forces wife generally. My husband is vaguely dispairing of me when I'm chatting away to the CO at the gym not knowing who he is. I stand by my defence that he's not my boss though.

Lord, I'm going to have to brush up when I move there. And spot the Susan!