Start of divorce

[ASHMEISTER24]

Hello I'm a 31 year old bloke married for nearly 3 years and together with with partner for 13 years. We have two children two girls aged 3 and 5. They both mean the absolute world to me and so did my wife. She dropped a bombshell 3 weeks ago saying she was leaving as she doesent love me anymore ( no violence no affair no change in sex life) nothing. We was in a bit of a married rut and life rut but who Isent after so much change in a short space of time (kids and marriage all at once, dam life got pretty hard). I begged and begged for her not to leave but what can you do if she's adamant that's it. The thing that I cannot get over is going from seeing my two princesses from everyday to just 2 days a week the thought of it knocks me physically sick and I just burst out crying each time. They both adore me they adore both mum and dad and my oldest is devastated. We're the type of parents who put our kids first with everything film nights, centre Parcs every year etc.. My wife has got a solicitor to try and move things forward very fast I've told her she can have the house in fact she can have everything because I believe what I take off her I'm taking off my girls too. My wife who was my best friend for 13 years is now like a stranger I don't recognise her at all we always said we would have 50/50 split but now that's changed. We always said no child support as I will provide anything for them but now that's changing. My world has been turned upside down and she believes she's the victim because she's been un happy on and off for a few years. Just wondering how other people have coped and women's opinions on how you can go so cold towards someone who's been a massive part of your life. I sat at home thinking this was her decision she wanted this so make sure I leave on my terms but then I'm stuck because I don't want a poor relationship for the girls sake moving forward.

Right, sunshine... You need big boy pants on. DO NOT AGREE TO GIVE HER EVERYTHING. Go and see a solicitor and get some advice. Once the financial split is confirmed and legally agreed you can't get out of it. Right now you are really vulnerable. Same with child visitation order. If you and ex can agree without a court order then all the better but if not make sure you ask for what you want (giving good consideration as to what is best for the kids).

I divorced my husband last year. No affair, no abuse, just no longer wanted to be married. He didn't get advice. I didn't think I was being unfair and grabby at the time I was just scared about making sure I got enough to look after our DD. Now I look at the agreement and he really dropped the ball. He didn't need to give up all that he did. He just wanted to see DD and I'd never have stopped that - she loves her Dad. I offered him a fair'ish settlement and he said "Yes".

I was cold out of self defense and to avoid giving mixed signals. It was very business like. We get on great now and he was here for a cuppa after dropping DD off yesterday. He has her for tea Wed, overnight every Friday and every other weekend. I drop her to his and he drops her back.

Get some advice, don't legally give up more than is fair. You can always give your ex more voluntarily (I do, I pay for exes holidays with DD as he earns far less than I do as well as not asking him for CM). If you want to see the kids more than every other weekend then ask for that. You may need to bend work to fit it in but there is nothing that says all you are entitled to is EOW.

Basically you don't need to be a bastard but don't let her trap you into something that is not fair.

I agree - you are vulnerable at the moment. Don't let her have everything purely because of your daughters - she will know that you will do anything for them and she may use that to her advantage.

Do you own the house ?

Fight for 50/50 of everything. It's what you're entitled to.

Cath2907 has good advice.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
You sound like a good Dad and will continue to be to your girls.
I hope things work out for you x

This is a classic example of selfish thinking on her behalf. She is putting herself first and not the children. As other people have said, as she is like this don't agree to anything unless you seek legal advice. You also have to provide for your daughters too in terms of a nice place to live and finances to do fun things with them.

We have 7k on credit cards that need paying which we pay easily each month. She's on slightly more money than me. I've asked for time to pay that off before i leave. (We have 44k equity in our house) all I'm asking for is 20k but debt free. So I can put down on my new house. She's feeling very resentful that I leave debt free with 20k while her mortgage goes up and she pays the debts. She's in a 4 bedroom house whilst I've got to go to a small 2 bed. But surely that's her decision? She's wanted this. Shes keeping all furniture and car. Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable?

Btw she doesent want to wait until the de t is clear she wants me our now!

How long will it take you to clear a 7k debt? I had to live with my ex whilst he took his time leaving and it was excrutiating and not good for the DCs at all. The atmosphere was awful.

Chances are, to you this has come out oc the blue. For her it hasnt. She has probably checked out long ago which is why she can be so business like about it now.

You may not get 50/50 either. I wish posters would stop saying that. That's the starting point. Other factors get taken into account.

Ultimately she is entitled to end a relationship she isn't happy in. I did. My ex did a few dickish things because he was angry with me. That annoys me as I was perfectly entitled to put my feelings above his, as is your wife.

You both have the choice of selling up and moving on: you could keep the house and buy her out if that's what you both decided.

You have equity of £37k - but do you have any pensions or similar? they need to be factored in.

Your children are very young; the priority will be that they are appropriately housed and that might affect the split of equity.

These early days are very very messy and distracting. Try to get some distance, focus on separating before fixing the settlement and divorce.

My wife has a good pension with the NHS she's a registered nurse. I don't have a pension. How does that work ? The question above it would probably take about 6 months clear our credit cards. My wife is at her mum and dad's currently

SEE A SOLICITOR

Why should you not get part of the house equity?? SPLIT 50:50 means you get half of everything. That includes furniture, house equity, vehicles etc.. If she has a pension and you don't you should be pursuing some share of that too.

SEE A SOLICITOR

You are not being unreasonable and she is trying to push you out with a deal that is not fair.

SEE A SOLICITOR

Get advice and fight for your 50/50 childcare.

Financial arrangements are complex so get advice. One party shouldn't end up disadvantaged if the other party ends up with an advantage, if that makes sense. If there's naff all money to go around that's one thing, but one party shouldn't be left out of pocket if the other party has a surplus. That's why its necessary to unpick things like pensions and debts etc...