How do you leave?

[IllTakeTheHighRoad]

I have name changed for this

I have reached the point I want to leave my emotionally abusive partner

I am sick of being called 'council house scum' because I grew up in a council house
I work 2 jobs and have just been told 'you think that makes you an equal it doesnt'
I should be grateful I live in 'his' house even though we are both joint owners
another example was my daughter would like to join the girl guides his response was 'while she lives in MY house she will go to scouts' seems so small but it really pissed me off
Wtf sort of response is that?

i have just enough I cant live with it anymore I hate him

the problem is I live quite far from family and I have a child a starting school and my youngest starting pre school and as I have mentioned I work 2 jobs

i guess my question is how do I begin to start to leave? I don't know where to start

Thank you for reading

How do you think he will react? I’d begin by correcting him when he refers to it as “My house”. A puzzled look and my head to the side “Our house? The one my 2 jobs help to afford?”

I’m not sure of the financial implications in your country. Here, joint owners are equally responsible for the mortgage and it needs to be paid regardless of where you live. So that’s a factor. He’d need to buy you out or you’d need to sell.

Do you want to remain where you are?

Thank you for your reply madness

id have no choice but to move back to my home town as even with 2 jobs I wouldnt be able to afford a property here

He would need to buy me out, he seems to think as he pays the mortgage (i pay for everything else) he will get the house

He doesn't see my contribution as equal at all even though I flog myself to get through each month

in all honesty now I don't want to be in a relationship with him I just worry myself with the logistics of leaving and the effect it will have on my children that's what stops me

I remember your other post. It can't be easy knowing you want and need to leave, but having no idea where to start. I get inertia making even the smallest decisions these days and I sometimes think it is leftover "programming" from being in a relationship with an abusive man for too long. Easier for me to leave though, I had zero financial or family ties.

Your "partner" sounds very abusive and controlling. Can you get advice from WomensAid? Maybe moving back to your home town if you have supportive family back there and good ties would be a positive move. If you have somewhere you can stay there while you apply to be rehoused through the Council, I would say do that. Your children need a happy, warm and loving place to live above all the concerns about moving schools and leaving friends.

Deep breaths. Call Womens Aid and Citizens Advice. You have been paying bills etc no doubt, so that makes you entitled to part of the value of the home. You need legal advice on this before doing anything. But all that can be obtained. Nothing changes until you decide to take action.

Are you married? Has he ever been physically violent? Is he abusive towards the children? How old are they? If they are quite young, it will easier to start again somewhere else for them. Younger children have such malleable brains. Really, take the first small step and get advice on your legal position.

At the end of the day, you can't buy happiness. Not for you or your children. And right now you are miserable and it's fairly likely they are. My childhood was very volatile. We had financial stability, but the rest was an absolute mess. Although I remember the good, it's the other horrible stuff that happened, the abuse between my parents, that impacted who I am very deeply and led me to depression and many relationships where I repeated their patterns and ended up in enmeshed abusive situations.

If you can't find the impetus to do it for you, then do it for them. They deserve a happy home.