First steps to leave husband

[Fizzypop2]

Hi all, I desperately need advice.

I've decided to leave my husband. I am a stay at home mum to 3 DCs. I have no idea where to go first. He is a very angry man by nature and I'm sure will make it all very difficult. I have absolutely no access to anything financial. I get my allowance and that's it. That is nowhere near enough to go and find somewhere to live for me and the children. We have a mortgage but I have no idea who it's with or how much we owe. I have no idea whatsoever if we have any savings.

I guess the first step would be physically separating, but I'm sure he wouldn't leave. I know I could force him to, legally, but if I do that he will no doubt make my life very difficult. So what do I do? I don't have enough to go rent somewhere and with 3 children I have no friends I could stay with. I have 2 children in school so a hostel would be out of the question because of location?

I can't claim benefits because I part own a house and husband earns too much? But I don't have access to any money so I'm sort of stranded.

Any advice?

Can you start to gather information o. The financial situation? You really should be informed and having no idea could make it easy for him to manipulate things later.

Afraid I can offer advice but suggest you speak to a lawyer about your options.

Having no access to finances is a form of abuse. Is he abusive in other ways?

He is abusive in that I don't feel mentally or emotionally safe at home. He would deny any wrong doing of course. His family and mine think he's great, because he is hands on with the kids (in front of them). If I try and talk to him he turns it round to be my fault, always. I've just come out of a psychiatric hospital, I'm sure because I never get a break. Although he calls that my holiday and the hospital a hotel. I'm basically a single mum, he does his own thing day to day. We have no family who can help, so I'm left to do all the parenting. Every minute of every day. I mean he might help get them to bed (if you call laying on your phone while I run around battling the kids) but the rest of it is left to me. If I go out I live to regret it - he resents me for it and will make me suffer. If I ask for help he gets mad because he has his own things to do (gym/gardening usually). I take the kids away to my mums for a few days every now and then so that he can have the house to himself, I've literally never had that. Unless I've been on my death bed but that gets thrown back in my face.

I'm at a total loss as to what to do. I don't doubt he will hide any money he does have because he's been working and I've been at home bringing up the children (free childcare!). But then he hasn't wanted me to work.

He lives like a slob, even throws us rubbish on the floor, he has no respect for that fact that I've cleaned anything but if I try and ask him to be more mindful of his mess I get accused of having OCD.

I’m sorry I don’t have any practical advice but it’s sounds a nightmare. And agree you need to get out. Just how? Could you relocate to near your mum?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be hell - especially if it’s bad enough it’s given you some kind of break down (sorry if I’ve assumed too much here).

Didn’t want to leave your post unanswered.

Contact Women’s Aid and talk it through with one of their advisors. Good luck x

You can claim benefits

First step is to gather all of yours and the kids documents and store them somewhere safe. Secondly is to apply online for benefits and thirdly is to leave with the kids and the council will rehouse you, it's domestic violence so the rules are different. You could try and make him leave but you are right that you cannot get help with your mortgage

I'm pretty sure a solicitor could search land Registry who would be able to tell you about the mortgage. And I'm sure legally he would have to disclose his financial circumstances but as you say he'd hide money but the cms can work out his maintenance based on his earnings that his company declare to HMRC.

I'd start by going to speak to citizens advice and a solicitor as they will see these circumstances more often than you think.

Good luck OP

Thank you all.

Do I apply for benefits as though I'm living in my own home? I'll contact a solicitor or something x

Sounds like very controlling to me. It's not right that you are kept completely in the dark about your finances. You need to contact women's aid, they will have answers to your questions. Controlling behaviour is illegal and you may be entitled to legal aid (free legal advice).

Get yourself to a solicitor and get the facts you need to move forward with your decision.

He treats you like a servant. Although I'm sure he will be in disbelief when you say enough is enough.

My father treated my mother like this (decades ago now) and she left with four children. When we were all old enough she put herself through college and got a nursing degree. I'm still in awe she did all that.

You won't know yourself when you have your freedom and can breathe again.

I’m so sorry to read your post.
I was in a similar situation, but with no shared property, and the first thing I did was to go to Citizens Advice Bureau. They are a good place to start. The future may look very daunting to you now but you will get through it and you will be fine. I have been there and I’m now out the other side and much happier on my own.
Good luck 🍀

Are you currently in counseling or therapy since your discharge? If so, start with your therapist/counselor. Tell them you want out of your marriage and ask for their help. They may have resources for you to contact. I'm not in the UK, but I've seem MNers tell people to contact WA and Rights of Women.

I think the most important thing is to see a solicitor. Since you apparently have no income of your own I assume you have no reserves to pay for one. Some offer a 30 minute free consultation. Not all do, so you may have to just start calling until you find one who does.

You say your family think he's great, but don't be too sure. Family often sees more than we realize and normally won't say anything until you do. If you were to confide in your parents or a sibling, would they believe you? And more importantly, do you trust them to keep your confidence? If so, pick one family member and confide in them.

I know it's hard to put up with him, but don't confront him until you have gotten support IRL and have a good escape plan.

Are you sure your on the mortgage? You would have to had signed paperwork so in theory would know which bank you are with.
Can you get hold of bank statements to know the family finances? Where does he keep the important things? Passports/ birth certificates?

I always recommend the National Domestic Violence helpline as a first port of call, it does sound like he is abusive:

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

If you can see a solicitor you can talk about the possibility of getting an occupation order.

So I had a meeting with some of the mental health team today. They are going to help me with it all. Interestingly, one of them noticed when she met him that he is controlling and abusive. She is going to help me. First step is getting empowered.

@strawberry2017 he keeps all his paperwork at work or online so I have nothing. I asked for a list of financial things, in case he were to die then I'd be stranded. I got a half assed note scribbled down with a list of a few things. He avoided giving me any actual information.

Oh, I am so glad you sought help from your team!

Perhaps talk to them about confiding in a family member or close friend?

Excellent update @Fizzypop2 - a big step forward.

So sorry to read your post, I was mentally abused in this way, no shared property/finance but we had a child. One day I had enough and just left and went to my nans. Contact women’s aid and CAB, I also have a friend who was in a similar situation and they jointly owned a property, they separated and continued living together, she was able to claim child and working tax credits as they were living separate lives. She eventually got out with her daughter.

Do you know who the bank accounts are with? Are you supposed to be named on them?
If so there is nothing stopping you taking ID and address verification in to a branch to find out what's in your name.
You would need to be careful though, if they thought there was conflict between you both they may put a stop on the accounts which would mean he would then know.
A long time ago I worked in banking and we would stop accounts to protect both parties so that nobody would do a runner with all the cash.