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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner, escorts and facebook

18 replies

Bel93 · 04/09/2019 12:35

Hi, first post here and it may be a little long. I have nobody to talk to about this in real life. I don't know what I'm looking for here maybe I just need to get it all off my chest.

Here goes, I went on our family computer a while back and went to history to access a page I had been on a couple of days earlier, what I saw made my heart drop, my partner had been looking at sites for prostitues in our area. I immediately confronted him and he said it came up as an ad on a website he was on and he clicked it, said he was just looking at the pictures (yea right). He swore he had never seen one and he would never do it again and begged me not to leave him. I was going through fertility treatment at this time and desperately wanted my chance to have another child so I stupidly agreed to stay and work it out.

Fast forward, we now have our baby. I never fully trusted him again so I decided to have a look at the history again and found he had looked them up again on two separate occasions since last time. I was devistated, I ended up looking for his old phone (he recently got a new one) so I could see if he had messaged any. I know im bad for snooping but I had to know.
Well I didn't find and calls or texts but he had left his facebook logged in to his old phone and what I saw on there made me feel even worse. He had been messaging multiple random women on facebook saying how hot they are and how they should have someone telling them that everyday and they had made his day messaging him because they are so stunning and why would they bother talking to him. I'm not talking just one or two im talking at least 30 or 40 all while I was heavily pregnant with his baby. As far as I can tell he hasn't met any of them, some are not even in the same state as us. Half of them ignored him or laughed at him, some replied thank you and he would message back saying it's true bla bla bla.

I feel so bloody sick, he says he doesn't know why he did it and that he's an idiot, he doesn't want to lose his family as we are all he has, says he will delete facebook and go to councelling or whatever it takes to get my trust back but I honestly cant even look at him right now. I'm so scared of being alone with two kids but I don't think I will ever trust him again.
We had an amazing relationship before this, we literally never argue and we have always had an incredible sex life so I just don't understand why he did this.

Thanks to anyone who has read this far, I really don't know what to do right now, I haven't even eaten in 3 days, I feel like I'm in a fog.

OP posts:

Gemma1971 · 04/09/2019 12:54

He's an untrustworthy twat and a bad liar. I would be booting his ass out so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.

Similar experience... found ex on dating sites and sex club searches..... the bad lies he told.. "it was my friend", "it was my employee", "it was an accidental click through FB"...... unreal lies and insulting to think he hoped I would believe them. Well I didn't, and I could never trust him, and luckily no children with him. But if I had, I would not want them growing up with someone who sleeps around and uses prostitutes. He sounds like a sex addict at the worst, and at "best", an insecure cheater who needs constant validation and attention from any female who looks half-decent and is not to be trusted. You gave him another chance, and he blew it again. Get legal advice now, being alone is 100000000 times better than being with a man who could give you a STI and lies through his teeth constantly.

Deal breaker for me. Let the fog lift and then you will realise you are worth MORE than this.

Gemma1971 · 04/09/2019 12:56

ps Also had amazing sex with the ex.. didn't change the fact he was a twat. Ultimately it means nothing to these types.

And the only thing your current excuse for a partner is being honest about is that he is an idiot. Don't settle for shoite, that's all he will ever bring to the table.

Weejo39 · 04/09/2019 13:01

I had one of these. Prostitutes, meet ups, sexting, porn, webcams, lies. Forgave, counselling (for him) he continued throughout my pregnancy and beyond. Got rid and im so much happier. Get angry and Chuck him out.

Original poster

Bel93 · 04/09/2019 13:07

Gemma thank you for replying. I think I know what I need to do but he's making me feel guilty that he's going to lose the only family he has, he's crying telling the baby he's so sorry daddy's an idiot. I'm currently in his call/text records (he doesn't know I can get into them) I have been googling every number for the last year and haven't found any escorts yet but I guess that doesn't change what he's done or his intentions. Omg why do I have to be such a push over all the time and feel sorry for people who don't deserve my sympathy.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/09/2019 13:14

He's making you feel guilty? What for? Having given him a chance to stop being disrespectful and focus in his family, which he has ignored...

He can tell the baby anything - it is YOU he is talking to, that's emotional blackmail.

Buckle up and make a decision for yourself. Do you love him enough to put up with this? To be OK if he does meet someone, sleeps with her? Or do you think you and your child will be happier without him, having to live wondering if today is the day?

Your choice. He made his when he chose to continue with his messaging.

Good luck

Hidingtonothing · 04/09/2019 13:16

I think it tells you everything you need to know when they say 'I don't know why I did it', because if you don't know why you did something then how can you make sure you don't do it again? This will happen again if you stay OP and, despite the fact that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him, it will be your self esteem and MH that suffers.

Original poster

Bel93 · 04/09/2019 13:16

Weejo he has nowhere to go so I'm stuck in this house with him until he can find an appartment or something. This feeling sucks, I thought he was perfect after leaving my violent ex and meeting him but this hurts just as much as the physical pain did.

OP posts:

Weejo39 · 04/09/2019 13:22

He can come up with all the sob stories he likes. He can stay on somebody's sofa for all you care it'll be the kick he needs to find somewhere for himself to live. It's not your responsibility. I know it's hard, detatch, grey rock, don't cook, tidy and give him a date to leave in a weeks time, off he makes no move to go, pack up his stuff in bin bags, get a big bloke round and get him to go on that date.

Weejo39 · 04/09/2019 13:26

Not as harsh of his treatment of you and he will continue if you don't....

Babdoc · 04/09/2019 13:28

OP, once you get rid of him, please don’t rush into another relationship until you have had counselling.
You seem to be making repeated bad choices of partner, and you need to find out why, and work on changing your mindset, and boosting your self esteem. You have to believe you deserve better than these abusive users and losers, otherwise you will just seek out another one. Good luck.

lifegoes · 04/09/2019 13:28

There are so many apps he can send messages on that don't record on the phone bill. I would be having a look in his App Store and seeing recent downloaded apps not on this device etc.

It doesn't change much as he's still lied to you. He's got a cheek telling other women they should have a man telling them nice things everyday. When he can't even treat his own woman in a respectful way

Original poster

Bel93 · 04/09/2019 13:33

Thanks everyone, I needed a kick up the bum to encourage me to break it off. I guess I have just been treated so poorly in past relationships that I let people treat me like a doormat. I've told him he needs to leave when he gets back from going away for work next week. I do deserve better than this and my kids will be better off having a happy mum rather than a miserable one.

OP posts:

lifegoes · 04/09/2019 14:09

I spent years in a bad relationship thinking it was better for my child to have a family. But the truth was it did him more harm. He says now he's so pleased I left because he only remembers me being sad when he was little. (Yet I never once cried in front of him) and that I taught him it's ok to walk away from things if you aren't happy.

girlwithadragontattoo · 04/09/2019 14:46

That's gross! I could believe the 'pop up' advert excuse as that happens to me a lot when stream films etc...but not the messaging women. It's disgusting! and just creepy. and the sheer volume of it.
Are they all local? Do you know any of them at all?

He can have all the counselling he wants, he won't change, he's only offering to do it because he's been caught out, not because he's seen a problem with his behaviour. - What a shit bag.

Skittlenommer · 04/09/2019 15:18

Really bad idea having a second child knowing full well he was up to no good!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/09/2019 15:31

There's always one that assumes their fully informed, after the fact, 20-20 hindsight means OP should have known then what she knows now.

Unless you have a TARDIS for the OP!

Lucie8881 · 04/09/2019 18:35

Really bad idea having a second child knowing full well he was up to no good!

Original poster

Bel93 · 05/09/2019 01:09

Yes obviously I shouldn't have had a child with him and should have left back then (my older child is not his but he has raised him since he was 18 months old) although I don't regret my baby for a second. I had already spent thousands on fertility treatment and I honestly believed he made a mistake and wouldn't do it again, I know im an idiot.
Girlwithadragontattoo some of them are local but most of them are models/bloggers that wouldn't give him the time of day (even though he is very handsome and charming) and no I dont know any of them.
The stuff he was writing to them was the exact same things he would message to me when we first started talking, I'm just the idiot that fell for his charms. I feel like our entire relationship was a lie.
I know everyone says this about their wanker husbands but he really is a fantastic father so at least I won't have to stress about how the baby is when he has him once he leaves.

OP posts:

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