DM wants to see me every weekday

[BizzzzyBee]

I’m a SAHM for a couple of years until free childcare kicks in and I can afford to return to work. DM has got into the habit of popping in every weekday and staying for 4-6 hours. If I go out she wants to come with me. It’s getting a bit much tbh. She’s 75, divorced, and I’m an only child. I appreciate that she’s bored and wants to help, and she loves her GDC, but I need some space.

When I worked she had my key and popped in every day to walk my dog. After I had DC I was grateful for her visiting every day because I was struggling with PND and physically incapacitated after my c-section. But I don’t need that help any more. She’s angry and saying I only want her when I need help.

When I take DC to baby groups she insists on accompanying me. One baby doesn’t need two carers and nobody else has a gran tagging along. It’s awkward. If a friend wants to meet me she invites herself along and that’s awkward too.

Today I told her I’m out on Friday afternoon because my friend has asked to take our DC to the soft play together. DM said I’ll come? I said no, I’m going out with my friend - you’re welcome to pop in for a cuppa in the morning but in the afternoon I’m going out. So DM has taken the huff.

Am I ungrateful? It’s not that I only want her when I need help. She’s welcome to pop in regularly and I’m happy to take her out with me a couple of times a week. I just don’t want her with me all day every day.

you are correct. It has to stop. I'm surprised she doesn't realise it herself. Was she always like this?

She’s angry and saying I only want her when I need help

This is the crux of the matter. After being so helpful when you needed it, she now feels entitled to live through you. You'll just have to be firm and make plans a few days a week and say a firm "no" when she wants to join you.

Taking her out a couple of times a week is more than enough.

Encourage her to find interests of her own - clubs, meet ups, hobby groups etc.

Well done for saying no this time. You need to do that more. Are you able to reason with her? Tell her you want to be more independent/make new friends Can you have two set days she can come round?
You could draw a line under it by taking her a card and flowers saying how much you appreciate her helping you when you needed it.

I’m grateful for her walking my dog every day when I worked. I’m grateful for her being there every day when I was struggling to cope with a newborn. She’s right - I wanted her every day when I needed help and now I don’t want her every day any more. But I have to be allowed to go out without her sometimes...

It's lovely that she stepped up when you were in need.

But you aren't any more.

Time to go back to normal.

She is being needy and that's not healthy for either of you.

Set some boundaries x

Does she have friends or hobbies or any interests?

Maybe she got used to feeling needed again and knows this isn't the case anymore.

Cant imagine how frustrated you must be.

Wanting someone's help really doesn't have anything to do with wanting to go out with your friends on your own, and it's quite weird to expect to tag along. I assume she didn't do that before your baby was born? Can you remind her of that and gently point out that none of your friends have their mothers tagging along?

Let her huff.
Unfortunately like ripping a plaster off you need to leave her to flounce.

You can see her every day for a short time without needing to see her everyday ALL DAY. That is the crux of it, she is not allowing you any time to be you, to do your own thing, enjoy your own baby, make your own friends etc.

So saying she can still come over in the morning but that you have plans for the afternoon sounds very fair.

Does she feel the need to go to the Dr with you? Or the dentist? Or sit on the side of the bath while you go to the loo?

No, surely not. People are allowed to have boundaries and adults are allowed to be independent people with their own interests and friendships etc.

I assume she didn't do that before your baby was born?
I was at work all day. Before that I was at university.

Does she have friends or hobbies or any interests?
She did. One friend died of a heart attack. Another moved away to live with her daughter after a stroke. Another has dementia and doesn’t recognise anyone. Another has emphysema and can barely get off the sofa with her oxygen tank. Another died of cancer. It tends to happen when your group of friends is approaching 80. She’s joined the WI but that’s only one night a week. I understand why she’s increasingly clingy and I feel guilty tbh.

Why don’t you agree to set days with her so it becomes a routine. Say two days a week you will all go out together and the other three is only for you and DC. She needs groups, hobbies and a social life of her own. Salvation Army do a tea thing for the elderly on a weekly basis.

When you were a young child, you needed her to help you learn to navigate life. When you grew up you needed to learn to do things for yourself, so as to be able to function in society.

This is exactly the same, only for grown ups. You needed her help for a short while to help you navigate being a new mum. Now you've got a handle on that and you need to do things alone. Can you phrase it in that way to your mum?

Yes, you needed her, but, just as a child growing up, now you need to learn to do things by yourself. It's not that you don't need her any more, but she has to learn to let you go.

If she's fit enough to help you, she may feel that going along to Salvation Army tea for the elderly etc is not for her - maybe suggest she volunteers instead?

It helped my mum's mood no end when she was in her 70's - made her feel young!

She volunteered for Meals on Wheels, the local Credit Union, and helped in the local Old Folk's Association centre once a week.

My gran used to go the 'luncheon' club.

For a small she went couple of days a week her lunch and met loads of other people her age.

I can totally empathise with your situation...however think about your comments re her social circle ...the passing, dementia, ill health. I moved away for work taking DS with me and went from seeing DM daily to 1-2 a month. I lost her 4 months after moving (she was early 70's). I totally regret the time I lost with her .

I don’t this that’s relevant or helpful mum4, op is only asking for a bit of adult space. The situation is entirely different. She can’t be the sole answer to her mums social life.