MIL keeps criticising DS

[ChocolateSnaffler]

MIL keeps criticising DS

Backstory - Ever since I’ve been with dh I’ve been on the receiving end of some less than pleasant comments from MIL.

Just lately, she seems to have started on my 13yo DS.

First it was about his handwriting in a Birthday card that he had sent to her husband. In a very critical tone, she said how awful his handwriting was on the card, how it’s a wonder it even got to it’s destination, and then to top it all off, she mockingly asked him if he writes like that at school. DS dissolved into tears and I later found him sobbing into his pillow.
(DS has dyspraxia, and has struggled with his handwriting throughout, but has really tried, and had lots of extracurricular help with it).

Second, she came round our house, and waltzed into his bedroom, and loudly exclaimed “Your bedroom’s a mess isn’t it!”. He was upset about this too.

Most recently, she decided to comment on his weight gain. Yes, he has gained a bit lately, and he is aware of that already, but does she actually have to make comments like that in front of everyone (or even at all)? Again, she had DS in tears.

Next, at a family gathering, MIL’s husband started telling DH, how MIL had been crying over it all. I couldn’t believe my ears. I asked DH why on earth she was the one crying, when it was her that had upset our son? It sounded like he was trying to heap on the guilt, so that we’d somehow get DS to forgive her. I don’t think he’s ready to do that yet though.

DH is useless in this situation, it seems like he’s actually blaming DS, for the fact that he’s upset, DH says that what MIL said “wasn’t that bad”. I disagree.

DS doesn’t particularly want to see MIL since she started doing this, I think he’s afraid of what she’s going to say next, and I really don’t blame him!
DH keeps saying to DS “oh but she loves you to bits” but surely that’s not the question? I think she’s running the risk of really damaging her relationship with DS tbh.

DS really can’t cope with the constant criticism and judgement from her, and I feel that DH really ought to be having a stronger word with her, rather than repeatedly blaming DS. I never realised how weak he was when it comes to his mother.

Not sure what I’m asking for here really, I’m not sure what to do for the best. MIL can be quite a controlling, forceful person, and I think DH has grown up to be very passive as a result. She also has an alcohol problem, which sometimes makes her even more of a force to be reckoned with. I don’t feel that it’s my place to have words - it is his mother after all. But he seems happier shifting the blame onto DS. This can’t be good for DS. It’s like DH is telling DS to stuff his feelings, the only person whose feelings count, is MIL’s.

I’d appreciate any advice.

You say you dont feel its your place to have words as its his mother.
You are your sons mother. Grow a back bone and protect your son. He will look back on this and remember you not sticking up for him. You are his mum. Its your role in life to shield him from her.

Agree with the PP. She isn't your mother but he is your son. Your dh isn't going to confront her or have it out with her so you must. Your ds needs to know somebody is fighting his corner. She sounds utterly horrible.

And your dh is missing a backbone here. It's easier for him to blame the child and try and amend the child's behaviour rather than confront the actual problem in this scenario. I don't think I could live happily alongside someone as weak as that. Pathetic specimen.

If it was a stranger, what would you have done? How can you explain to ds that it's not 1) ok to be treated that way nor 2) treat anyone that way, if mil has no repercussions?

Agree your his mother. He is being treated badly. Have his back. Your opinion is right, voice it. When she can accept she has done wrong and apologise u can assist in mending a relationship (if u want too. I would be not pushing for a relationship if he was my child) until then u support your son not wanting to be near her. She sounds a horror

Your son needs someone to stand up for him. Either take your mil to one side and tell her not to make personal comments in ds’s hearing, or go nc. But do something!

My ex MIL was like this to ds, he is ASD, has dyspraxia & other problems. Mil has refused to acknowledge the fact he is Autistic, even though he has been diagnosed for over six years, she constantly criticises his writing, the way he walks, the fact he is overweight. Ds has taken the decision at 15 that he no longer wants any kind of relationship with her, his relationship with his dad is virtually nil as well. He has told me that his dad never turned round to MIL & told her to shut up or told her the damage she has caused to ds & he blames him for this.

Why would you let this go on? Stand up to her.

Are you serious? You don't think it's your place to stick up for your son? He is being picked on by your absolute bitch of a MIL, whom has alcohol problems and has really upset him.

OP have a good hard think about that one.

You are saying your husband is weak.

Well you too are being very weak.

Neither of you are looking after this 13 year old boy if he's feeling nervous around this horrible woman.

You have given numerous examples. After the first one, most people would have given HER a very firm message to speak kindly to and around your son or stay away.

In essence OP, sort her out once and for all and tell her and your husband that anybody who looks sideways at your son again will have you to deal with.

Your poor son being bullied in his own home.

At 13 your son should be able to defend himself. Encourage him to do it.

If he was my DS I'd tell him she's a drunk, the kind of drunk who's nasty to people drunk or sober. I'd tell my DH that if she ever gets clean & a personality transplant then me & my son would look at restarting a relationship with her and until then he's on his own with her.
Your son doesn't need this in his life & neither do you.

I dont think you can stand up for yourself against your own gran if your very own parents dont even have your back wnich clearly you dont.

Where were you lady? Seriously your poor son is struggling as he gets verbally abused by his bitchy grandmother and you say nothing? There's not an excuse in the world to defend either you or your husband. As a mother of a child with special needs I wouldn't have let that woman within earshot of my kid unless she gave a public and groveling apology to your son. You should be ashamed

Fucks sake!
It’s not just your DH job to stand up to her!
Tell her loudly to fuck of. Tell her she’s no longer welcome.
Do it loudly and in front of your son so he knows you have his back!

MIL will never change.
Instead, teach your son how to stand up to bullies. He'll need the skills later in life, we all do.
"Grandma guess what?! I've passed my first course of Doctors training - doctors handwriting"
"Nan, it's called a floordrobe. It's the latest must have for teenagers this season. But if you want to be down with the kids... I'm happy to violate ur privacy by barging into your bedroom and providing you with a floordrobe"
"Gran, your skin is turning a strange colour yellow... maybe you might want some water with that wine, and the contact number to AA?"
The last one is very sarcastic/rude but if his grandmother is as difficult as you say she is, you aren't always going to be there to protect ur son. He needs some way of getting her off his back when the adults aren't available to challenge her behaviour.

"Mother you are drunk again, go home and sober up" That`s it. Repeat as necessary.

Savage her - preferably in front of your son - asap

My exH was the same, would put his DM before DC. They now resent the weakness in him and do not like her. I stood up to her, so I was not and I am not part of the problem.

If DH won't help then at least you state the truth so one of you supports your DS. He needs help!

She's vile. Criticising a child for their disability is beyond contempt.

First it was about his handwriting in a Birthday card that he had sent to her husband. In a very critical tone, she said how awful his handwriting was on the card, how it’s a wonder it even got to it’s destination, and then to top it all off, she mockingly asked him if he writes like that at school

Call her out on it next time and tell her to leave if she won't apologise.

Ask her straight out in front of your DH and your son why she thinks that drawing any attention to your son's disabilities is the right sort of behaviour for a grandparent.

This is outrageous, protect your ds with all means.

Neither your dh nor your mil are acting fair towards your ds. Your dh is protecting himself by blaming ds, that is so not okay (putting it mildly), tell him this is not on and cut contact with mil. Let your dh sort his own contact if he wants.

Please talk to your ds, tell him you stand by him and as long as mil cannot behave civilized and sober (and tell him about the alcohol abuse) you won't be seeing her.

And you absolutely need to read your dh the riots. His behavior towards his own ds is horrible.

On reading your post I got the impression that your husband is your son's stepfather. Have I misinterpreted?
But essentially, a vulnerable 13 year old has been hung out to dry by the people who are supposed to have his back.
Your husband needs a swift kick for even daring to suggest that your son has done anything wrong and you need to set him straight. He is the adult and must behave accordingly.
As for your MIL, you need to woman up and tell her that until she apologises to your son, she is not welcome in your home. It would also be worth pointing out to her that bullying a 13 year old with special needs will earn her a cosy spot in hell and crying over a situation that she has caused is breathtakingly hypocritical.

You don’t have a mil problem, you have a dh problem. He is the one who should be standing up to his mother and telling her to stop bullying a child.

However, as he was probably bullied his whole life by her, this will not happen until he realises.

So it’s up to you to set a boundary, stick to it and protect your son.

Thanks for all the replies.

The first occasion took place over the phone. DH was talking to her first, then passed the phone to DS, for a chat, then when she said al of that stuff, DS swiftly handed the phone back to DH, DS ran off, I ran after DS to console him, and I expected DH to deal with her, at that point.

The second two occasions, I was not even home, but DH was, and I didn't hear about it until later in the day. Again, my first reaction was to console DS, and be there for him.

I have had arguments with DH, about this, and told him exactly what I think.

I have also told DS that in no way will I ever make him spend time with her unless he wants to.

She is now abroad for a few months.

Oh dear.
You clearly have a DH problem here.

If he protect HIS own son from his vile mother then you must step in.
Don't have any contact with her from now on.
Your DS needs to see that an adult has his back and will not allow another adult to knock him down.
Bless your DS.
But also give your pathetic DH a swift kick up the arse.

DH should do some reading up on FOG - fear obligation guilt and also look into 'toxic mothers'

You have now said all this to your son and that is good. What has his father said to him though?. Your son could in all likelihood go on to absolutely detest his dad for putting his mother first.

Its appalling what has happened to your son in his home which is also supposed to be his sanctuary. Do not ever let this bullying drunkard woman into your house ever again; neither you or your son should have any form of contact with her.

Clearly your H is not up to the task of protecting his child from his vile grandmother (a lifetime of conditioning along with fear, obligation and guilt along and his own inertia re his mother hurts him as well as you people. This is a reason, not an excuse for his actions) so you're going to have to do this and continue to do so for your son. I think your H has and is using his child as some sort of buffer between him and his mother. He would rather see your son cop her barbs than him.

If he wants to continue to have a relationship with his mother that is up to him but it does not follow that you and your son should have any sort of a relationship with her now. You would not have tolerated this from a friend either, his mother is no different.