Friend acting oddly since discovering I was raped

[WhatNowDH]

I don’t really know how to deal with it. My closest friend in the world, who I have been friends with almost my entire life recently found out I’d been raped. It was something that happened to me several years ago, it was incredibly traumatic at the time but I think I'm as over it as I possibly could be.

I didn’t tell any of my family or friends when it happened as they knew my rapist. It was out of character for him and it took me over a year to even speak to a counsellor about it. I had counselling, they convinced me to go to the police, I did but case was dropped due to lack of evidence.

Anyway fast forward to last week and BF (best friend) puts a few things together from bits she’s heard and asks me (almost jokingly as it seemed so unlikely) if X had raped me. I burst out crying and tell her that he had but that I now just avoid him, police couldn’t do anything, I don’t think anyone else in our friendship group knows and ask her to keep it to herself.

She was really hurt that I didn’t confide in her but said she understood why and she’s glad she knows now. But since then she’s just been really odd with me. Any jokey memes or anything I’ve sent her has just resulted in her replying with heart emoji’s and motivational quotes. I messaged her saying that if she sent me another motivational quote I’d start sending her nudes (as a joke) and she replied ‘please don’t put yourself through that after everything you’ve survived.’

I’ve tried to talk to her and tell her that I don’t consider myself a victim and that I’d really like her to just try and be normal around me. She’ll do it for a few minutes and then I see her looking at me as if she’s about to cry and she just starts apologising to me again for being a terrible friend.

It’s making me feel like shit. I just want my friend back and for her to be normal around me again. Has anyone else ever had anything like this happen? Any advice?

She sounds really upset for you and maybe she feels guilty that she couldn't help or something. Maybe wrote her something similar to what you've written here and send it to her?

Your friend is grieving for your trauma.

You’ve had several years to deal with it but for her it is real right now.

She possibly needs reassurance that she was a good enough friend at the time, it’s just you didn’t want to talk to anyone. And also that you need her to treat you normally now to continue recovery!

I think she’s just hurting for you, and for how long you’ve dealt with it alone and without justice. I would grieve too if I found this out about someone close to me.

Write not wrote

Yep I have experience of this.
It was a family member who found out years after an event and took to sending me weird texts after drunken nights out, like ‘I wish I’d been there for you’ yet without being able to articulate anything meaningful or appropriate because of their inability to discuss the trauma. (I understand that btw).
Anyway it was crap and created a distance between us until it was all swept under the carpet again where everyone felt a lot more comfortable
Probably not what you wanted to hear really!

That’s exactly what seems to be happening with us gorris. I get that she might need a bit of time to process it but I’d really like her to at least try and be normal around me. She’s done a massive purge on SM and taken down every photo that he’s in (her BIL is the best friend of rapist) so same circles. I just really, really hope she manages to keep it to herself. If she told her BIL it would start a whole shit show that I really couldn’t face.

I think she probably feels like she has let you down by not being there for you and doesn't know how to make it up to you. She probably feels that she should have known as she knows him and feels terrible for associating with him after he'd done such a dreadful thing.

She's been a good friend to you for years so I think you need to give her time to process this and cut her a bit of slack. She clearly loves you and is devastated about what happens. If she's in the same circles as him she probably has to be civil to him in order to respect your wishes and keep it a secret.

It’s tough on you .
It’s really hard when you first go through a trauma like this and people who you confide in continue to associate with the perpetrator. It’s awful , you end up feeling that you’re not believed, that you’re not valued, not loved.it feels like a massive betrayal.
But in time it becomes obvious which of these people just truly have your back. They make no reactive gestures in the public sphere so as protect you from any repercussions. They keep things private as long as you need them to, yet are always there if you need to talk.
Your friend hasn’t learned about this yet sadly.

For some people, rapists and abusers exist in a different sphere of life. There's 'me' in my nice happy safe life, and 'all that over there' which is scary and violent and rape. And the idea that rapists and perverts aren't just people in dark alleys but also 'josh who you lived with in halls' or 'phils nice mate from work' - it's terrifying. It shakes their world view. They find it hard to get over.

I honestly sometimes think half of mn is guilty of this.

I think I’ll try and have a proper talk to her about it. It’s daft because I find her reaction just irritating more than anything. But if I tell her that then it sounds like I wasn’t affected by the rape at all and I’d hate for her to think I’m making it up. Such a mess.

It’s horrible .You have to almost keep digging it up, keep retraumatising yourself to help your friend deal with her issues.
I agree with jennifer2r. I have encountered so many of these. To the point I’ve met people so hell bent on defending a perpetrator they’ll go out of their way to sing their praises to others, as a way of re establishing their reputation. It’s terrifying .