Husband winding me up - I know it's me

[rockymountain]

I've been married 3 years. On the face of it, we have a good relationship. Best friends. But that's all it is. DH winds me up, nothing he does is right, I don't like anything he does. Thing is he's not perfect but I know the issue is me. I don't know what's wrong. I feel lonely, anxious, want to be single but scared to go about it. Does anyone have any advice on how to get past it or find out if it's actually a bigger issue and that we do need to split up?

I get angry with him really easily and take myself out of the room to calm down. Sex is non existent as I just don't feel like it anymore. Haven't for a while. I've been seeing a therapist and we've been talking through the issues but it doesn't solve how I feel. I feel.. trapped. And just don't know what to do. My reason for a divorce would literally be.. just because. No one would understand cause he is a really nice guy. He doesn't want to split up, thinks I'm his world and I feel tortured every day that I don't feel the same way.

It sounds really hard to be you at the moment. Do you have the option of taking a break and going away to get some space and perspective? It may help you see more clearly what is wrong and what's the best thing for you to do. Remember that you can't stay in a relationship because someone else doesn't want it to end.

Do you have an OM (even if just in mind, not necessarily something has happened)? That's usually what starts these thoughts going..

It sounds like you have got 'the ick'.

I really don't think you want to be married to him. No judgement - it's nobody's fault, but you obviously aren't right for each other

Yes to the ick.

You need to leave him.

No OM. Just this set of feelings I cannot shake.

What is the ick? Is is possible to ever get past it? I do love him, sometimes can't imagine life without him but for the most he winds me up and honestly, I just want to get rid of these feelings.

I've had some time part, he works shifts so we don't see each other for a good chunk of the week and honestly, being by myself is a negative place to be. And then when I make plans (without him) to fill those days when we don't see each other I just remember what it's like to be single and 'carefree' which is probably what I associate that time of my life with and dread coming home.

How old are you? Have you been to university? Done lots of stuff before getting married? It sounds like itchy feet.

You love him in a friendship, comfort way by the sounds of it. Whatever sexual attraction you had for him has died completely. Birth control can do this maybe? It sounds quite drastic. Or just the initial rush of attraction has worn off? There's nothing he could have done seriously bad to have caused this you can think of?

You are best friends, yet you treat him like this? How do you treat people you don't particularly like?!

The ick is like a sudden repulsion you feel that you can't shake off. Do you cringe at him and inwardly cringe when he hugs or kisses you?

He doesn't want to split up and thinks you're his world? He may say that, but I doubt he genuinely thinks that. Time to move on, you'll both be better off without each other.

Have you had a serious, hard look at WHY you feel the way you do? I had a similar situation, and, when taking myself off for time alone when I got frustrated with my partner, instead of just trying to calm my feelings (thereby minimising them), I started to listen to what the feelings were telling me. Like you, I was blaming myself.

The fact was, I was being told (directly) by my partner that I was being too sensitive. I was being told (indirectly) by my partner that my feelings were invalid. It was very subtle, and in other ways, my partner is an exceptionally kind person. It was very difficult to pinpoint the invalidation, but once I did, I couldn't unsee it, and it became glaring in its ubiquity in our conversations.

Have you talked to him about how you feel? How does he respond to the situation?

All of the above said, if you're not happy, it's valid to leave just on the strength of that.

You have my sympathy; having your own emotions going nuts without knowing why is HORRIBLE. Your feelings are real though; they have a purpose. They are trying to tell you something.