Apologises for the very long post but I want to try and get in as much detail in as possible as I need an outsiders prospective. Hopefully it’s not too jumbled either. I have spoken to my sister before posting to make sure she’s happy for me to post these details. I signed up today to post this after reading lots of Mumsnet as none member. I did post in 30 days only this morning but no response.
The reason for me posting this now is because my Aunt (Mums sister) said to me last week “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” She is one of the nicest people I know but at that moment, it felt like an attack even though though I knew it would never have been meant like that. She has since apologised a few times after that for upsetting me.
I’m the eldest child of 4 and grew up in an abusive household. I watched my mum go from one abusive relationship and straight into another. I remember a lot from my childhood.. more than what I want too. Recent revelations have brought up a lot of built up resentment that I thought I had buried and I’m not sure where to go from here or how to handle it.
For background....
One of my earliest childhood memories is listening to my mum being beaten by her husband (My stepdad although I didn’t know this at the time. I didn’t find out until before my 11th birthday. He’s also not my brothers real father- he doesn’t know this even to this day. I found this information out from a family member when I was 16/17yrs) It wasn’t the first time and certainly wasn’t the last. I’m not sure how old I would have been at this time but I think it was before my sister was born so I would have been 5-6yrs old at the time, possibly younger. My brother is 22 months younger than me. It was in the middle of the night, seemed to go on for hours. He eventually left our house and she followed him out into the street. I think he may have hit her again going by the crying but I didn’t actually see it. She had tried to phone the police but must have hung up. I remember telling my brother to answer the phone while I had to go out into the street and help her up on the ground and support her back into the house. She took the phone from my brother and we went back to bed. I don’t remember what happened after that. They eventually split when my sister was around a year old (can’t remember the exact time)
She met her partner not long after this (again, I can’t remember the exact times) He seemed nice at first and my mum seemed happy. We moved to a bigger house and he moved in with us. She then fell pregnant with my youngest sibling. Things changed, he became abusive- emotionally, financially and physically and god knows what else. My mum wasn’t around much, she had to work a lot. It seemed like she was a single parent of 4 children whilst in a relationship. He would be looking after us while mum was working.. well he was meant to be.
During this time, he started to abuse my little sister. She would have been around 3-4 years of age (I would have been 9/10yrs) The following abuse happened to her: 1) locking her in the built in wardrobes and telling her she wasn’t allowed out until she peed herself. She would also have to close the door herself and he would slam it shut on her fingers. 2) telling her she hadn’t washed shampoo out of her properly and holding her head under the water longer than necessary. She told me she felt like she was drowning. 3) wrapping her in a quilt and throwing her down the stairs. 4) He had woken her up on night, very dark but not late so must have been winter, took her out into the garden and threw her into a patch of old brambles/ nettles.
I never actually witnessed any of these incidents but did see and deal with the back end of two. 1) I had gone looking for after sorting lunch- She wouldn’t come out of the wardrobe. She wasn’t crying but very on edge and adamant she couldn’t come out until she had wet herself. She had her knickers around her knees. He wasn’t in the bedroom but must have somewhere else in the house because a short time later she came downstairs. I can’t remember if he was with her but he must have been for her to come out. 2) The night with her being pushed into the brambles, I came into the kitchen as she came in the back door with him. I can’t remember why I went into the kitchen.. whether it was because I heard them in the garden or because I went to get a drink or something. She was hysterical, her nightie was all ripped and her body was covered in scratches/ cuts. This was the night I called my mum at work and told her what had happened. My mum has no memory of this phone call and is adamant she never knew of any abuse- back to this part later.
At some point social services came to visit about my sister. I remember we had to help clean the house before they arrived. It was also implied to my brother and I that if we told the social worker anything, my sister would be taken away and we would never see her again. I don’t know whether it was him that said this to us or my mum in a blind panic of them visiting. My brother and I were asked questions by the social worker with my mum and her partner in the room.. my brother and I both lied about how she had received injuries. I don’t think they ever visited again.
The abuse of my sister stopped (not to my mum).. not exactly sure how long we went on for... too long anyway. As soon as my mum would go to work he would go out leaving me to look after my 3 siblings. I would have to prepare meals/ homework/ bath & bed them. This went on until I eventually left the family home at 16 years old. Sometimes he would be in and out with his mates or he just wouldn’t show up until my mum was due home.
To give you a better idea of what kind of low life I’m talking about: 1) He kept drugs in our home.. recently found out that he was washing smack in our home. There would usually be a spoon and foil together in the kitchen & little bags of white powder 2) Him & his mates would sit in the living room and throw blocks of hash into the gas fire to get high.. I didn’t know what it was at the time but remember feeling sick from the smell. 3) There was a gun hidden in the house- we found it! 4) After I moved out at 16, the house was raided by armed police. 5) He eventually dumped my mum whilst he was in prison because he was sleeping with a girl my age.. I was 18yrs old. I remember her coming to my flat crying because he had been cheating on her and because she was my age, my mum wanted to know if I knew her.. I didn’t. She seemed more upset about this than any of the crap he had put her through.
One year we went on a family day trip to celebrate my great aunts birthday- such a great day out. That night I remember my uncle having to come get my siblings and I in the middle of night and having to walk up the street to his stay at his house after my mum and her partner were arrested. She had been drinking when we went to bed, her partner came home and it all kicked off. The neighbours must have called the police- she attacked a policeman. I have many happy memories of my great aunt but this one has always been tainted because of how the day ended.
The atmosphere at home was usually tense.. like walking around on eggshells. My mum would use the belt to hit us if we done wrong. She was always very critical.. especially of me. I always seemed to do something wrong even if it was in fact my brother who was in the wrong. My sister and I have always felt like we have been treated differently to our brothers. She very rarely went to school assembly’s, parents evenings or help us with our homework and things like that. Sometimes food was short- remember the fridge and cupboards being empty or very low... I don’t blame her for this in the slightest, she made do with what she had to work with. We were usually told to go to our bedrooms or out to play if she was around. I remember having to get up a lot in the night to make formula for my youngest sibling because he would just cry and cry sometimes.. I can’t remember how old he was at this point but he was able to stand in the cot. I don’t know whether they deliberately ignored him because they knew me or my brother would sort him out or because they genuinely didn’t hear him/ go into a deep sleep. I was also very rarely allowed to go out with friends. Always missed the school discos etc because I had to stay home to look after my siblings. I remember our school uniform sometimes not being washed even when they were left in the front of washing machine all weekend- I was bullied horrifically at school for being the smelly kid. But she would also shout at me if I tried to wash the uniforms while she was working because her partner would tell her. All of this while trying to study for my GCSE’s. By the time I got to 15/16yrs, I had had enough and started leaving the house and skipping school. I thought I don’t care anymore, they aren’t my responsibility. I hated being at home and simply didn’t want to be there. I remember drinking bleach on several occasions in the hope of hurting myself.. it never did.. just made my pee sting and smell of bleach. I started chatting to and meeting men off internet chat rooms. I knew it wrong and dangerous and that they were using me for sex but I just didn’t care.. if it meant not being at home I would literally do anything. I think I enjoyed having the attention too. One of them even helped me with GCSE revision. I don’t claim to be incident in any of this- I lied a lot, stole money.. I don’t know why, I guess it seemed the easier option at the time but it never was.
Just before my end of year 11 prom (16yrs) I ran away to another county to meet a man. He wasn’t who he made out to be. It was ages before another train was due so I went back to his home anyway. When there, he told me that he was actually a convicted paedophile. I let him have sex with me because I didn’t know if he would just do it anyway. I was scared and ended up being there for 2 nights. I ended up calling home and my uncle came to get me. I told the guy that something had happened at home and that I really needed to go. The day I came home was the day of my prom. I ended up moving in with my granny not long after this, things were too strained to continue being at home. I didn’t want to be there and I don’t think my mum wanted me there either. I started to see a boy almost my age and became pregnant very quickly into the relationship. The day I found out, I was bleeding very heavily and was told it was highly likely I was having a miscarriage. The hospital made a mistake and called my mums house leaving a voicemail with details of my emergency scan for the next day. That night, she came to my granny’s house, kicked off and punched me in the face causing me to bang my head off the wall. My uncle was also there and had to pull her off me. I walked out and walked to my boyfriends alone in the dark. Thankfully I didn’t miscarry and went on to have my son. That NYE (around 3 months pregnant) she got drunk and went for me again. My boyfriend and uncle both intervened and she was made to leave. I didn’t speak to her for a few months after this. I could have happily never spoken to her again but my granny talked me around (emotional blackmailed) She was right though, it wasn’t fair on her being stuck in the middle of her daughter and granddaughter. I asked my mum to be my second birthing partner and I can’t fault her help and support then or when I was diagnosed with PND shortly after birth.
I got my own flat then house at 18yrs, I would see my mum regularly, she would babysit etc. Things got better especially once she separated from her partner.
Over the last 10yrs she supported me and my husband through multiple miscarriages and was my birthing partner for a second time. Again, I can’t fault the support she gave me during these times. The support I received when I found out my husband had a gambling problem 5 years ago from her was amazing.. I wouldn’t still be married if it wasn’t for her help then. But when he had a relapse at the beginning of last year, I called her and all I got was oh dear whatever else was said. I then didn’t hear from her for a few weeks and she’s never mentioned it again. To be fair, neither have I because I just thought what’s the point. He went to counselling and thankfully hasn’t relapsed since.
There is more I can add to this but it’s been a huge emotional struggle to get this far and it’s already taken days to get this far.
Back to now....
My sister is currently very heavily pregnant with her first child. A few months ago, she came to me asking if I remembered my mums partner hurting her. I asked her to tell me everything that she remembered before telling her what I remembered because I didn’t want to put words/ ideas into her head. This all came about from her watching tv, not really paying attention and everything cane flooding back. I believe everything she has said because I believed everything all that time ago.. After all, why would a small child lie about that sort of thing?
As you can imagine she was very distressed. She started to see a counsellor and was going to speak to our mum when she was ready. A few weeks later, we were talking and she said that she just needs to get over it, forget about it and concentrate on her pregnancy. A couple of weeks past and she called me saying she had contacted the police and reported the abuse. It was a shock after our last conversation about it but I couldn’t be prouder of her for being strong enough to report it. She called my mum that day and told her everything- she was very shocked and distressed. My youngest sibling is this mans (if you can call him that) child. My mum kept saying I don’t know what to do about him. She was very concerned about he would react. That night when he came home from work (he still lives at home) She told him everything as soon as he walked in the door in her emotional state. When my sister had specifically told her that there was no need to tell him straight away and that she or I would have happily spoken to him and tried to explain everything first hand from our point of view. Of course his dad would never do something like that- my sister is lying and I’m jumping on the band wagon! He hasn’t spoke to either of us since. He also been giving my mum a really hard time- barely speaking to her etc. It’s coming across as my mum is more concerned about my youngest brother in all this mess when her priority should be supporting my sister. My mum also said to me that night when I told her she’s convinced there was no sexual abuse- that she didn’t know what the police were going to do because it’s not that’s bad!! My youngest brother contacted his dad the night he found out and told him everything- he’s obviously denied it all.
The police have been great in all this. My sister had her statement taken within 2 days of reporting the abuse. My mum was there with her when she made her statement. Afterwards, she said to my sister that he probably wouldn’t remember anyway because he would have been off his face on coke.. so she knew he was doing drugs! I gave mine about a week later. My mum knew what date/ time I was doing it. She never contacted me to find out how it went. Even now, she’s never once asked me what I told the police, what I remember and how I feel about any of this.. even when I have said to her I hate that this has brought up shitty memories from the past. She has completely buried her head in the sand and has handled this so wrong. Her own sister has admitted she wouldn’t have acted in this way if it was one of her children. My mum and sister are now very low contact because of how my mum has behaved. I only really hear from her when she wants something it seems.
I will speak with my mum but she simple doesn’t have it in her to listen. She listens but it doesn’t seem to penetrate if that makes sense. She has a habit of always turning it around to how she feels. Like the night she found out and I spoke to her- she kept saying I can’t believe yous think I would let anyone hurt you... well it happened.. under your nose/ roof! But at the same time, I genuinely don’t believe she would let it happen. He was so manipulative that he would have talked his way out of it. But then I feel like she kept herself in that position to be abused & manipulated... we had no choice but to be stuck with it.
I know I need to talk to her and I will. But I don’t feel I’m ready at the moment. I start to cry- not because I’m upset, but because I get so angry and frustrated and feel it makes me look weak. But also, because I have felt guilty and felt like I should have protected her more. She does say that I’m not to blame and that it wasn’t my job my job to protect her and that I was just a child too.
If you have made it to the end, you deserve medal! I don’t even know what I want out of writing this but writing it down has been a huge help to me over the last few days.