Being recorded by stbex

[Lena007]

In a process of leaving abusive relationship after years of abuse. We are now separating. He has just admitted he has been voice recording me for last two months to get an evidence for how bad mother I'm and how he is the great daddy so he can have DS living with him full time after the divorce. Of course he is faking it all all way, being so overly nice to DS.

Is it legal to record someone at their home without their knowledge? Can he use the recordings? What am I meant to do?

I'm shattered by the whole splitting up with him, brainwashed with no energy and patience, he's making my life a hell because I'm leaving. Threatening to use the recordings against me in the court unless 'I come to my senses within the next 2 weeks and start to appreciate him and keep the family together '.

Wtf, he’ll drop himself in it with the recordings because it’ll be obvious he’s putting on the good daddy act as he’d also be recorded! What an idiot. Find out your rights as a solicitor/lawyer but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal unless he uses the guise of “nanny cam” to conveniently record you. What a sicko, wishing you all the best and I hope you pull through this difficult time.

Thanks MrsA. I'm seeing solicitor today later on, just being so anxious about it all. It's just as if I've been watching a film, not my own life

Not the best link but I'm pretty sure this would come under the new coercive control law www.google.com/amp/s/www.somersetlive.co.uk/news/somerset-news/things-partner-cant-do-relationship-1471899.amp

"Threaten to reveal private things about you

Whether it's saying they will tell people details about your health or sexual orientation, repeated threats to reveal personal and private information is a form of abuse."

Hopefully your solicitor will be able to give you more advice tomorrow on this but the police and family courts know abusive men will wind victims up and then film the fallout (whilst they sit back and act calm) to prove they are the reasonable ones. It's very clearly manipulative and if anything would go against him in any legal dispute.

Record him threatening to use the recordings.
Better if you can get in email or text.
Then you have proof of blackmail you can use in your child arrangements witness statement.

Judges see guys like him all the time. All he's achieving is exposing himself to the court as a coercively controlling abuser. Woops.

Threatening to use the recordings against me in the court unless 'I come to my senses within the next 2 weeks

Do you have this written down anywhere in a text for example? Save any evidence you have like this as it will be a powerful piece of evidence in your favour if it ever comes to court. It's very clear he is doing this to control you and he should be prosecuted for this act alone. I never thought you could submit recordings where the person was unaware they were being recorded but unfortunately this happened to me with an abusive ex and the police just told me he is allowed to submit any evidence he likes in his defense. Slightly different scenario if it is being used in a custody battle but unfortunately it seems men like this are able to manipulate the family courts time and time again.

You have to do your best to record and gather evidence now in case it does come to that.

I suggest keeping a diary of all his abusive episodes - don’t let him know you are doing this. Try (although it’s hard!) not to rise to his comments, no matter how nasty, and just respond “mmm” or “that’s your view”, don’t bother defending yourself to him - whatever you say won’t work. Get the ball rolling with your divorce. I feel sorry for you but you can get through it x

Don't quote me on this (and I'm sure someone will know better) but I have a feeling you can be recorded secretly but the person recording is not able to use the recordings for anything-ie court.

I thought that too @raspberrycordial until my ex's lawyer submitted a transcript of a phone call ex had recorded of me to the police. It was a different situation (he was harassing me) but the police said he was allowed to submit this in court in his defence. Long story short the case was dropped but no doubt if it went to court that evidence would have been accepted, despite being heavily edited by him.

I don't want to scare OP but don't want her to be blindsided like I was either.

The thing is he has lost control and he's getting nastier. Youve plucked up the courage to leave him and he's scared he won't be able to control you anymore.

I doubt he'll be taken seriously and his legal rep will probably advise against, unless a child could be in genuine danger or harm with you.

He's pulling out all the stops to make you stay. If you were genuinely a bad mother, he wouldn't want to be with you.

Don't let him bully you and be clear you're proceeding with your plans to separate.

I've seen solicitor and she confirmed he can present the recording in the court. She also said a lot depends on the judge and his view on the situation but stbexh isn't painting a good picture of him by doing it in a first place. She's put a good point accoss, if he thinks I'm such a bad mum, what has he done to protect DS? Nothing. Has he sent the recording to SS? No. Has he reported it to police? No. Has he left DS unsupervised with me? Of course because I'm with DS most of the time, as always. The situation he has recorded is me arguing with 9yo DS.

He's going from one extreme to another, from wanting DS full time to wanting to see him once every few weeks. I went grey rock and it works quite well, minimum contact with him, only replying to texts related to DS.

Yes, I have a txt from him saying he is going to use recording in court if I won't do what he wants. That's great advice to keep it.

@Jaffacakesaremyfave thanks for clarification, I knew there would be someone better informed than me who'd be able to shed light on it! Sorry you had to find out the hard way though, that's shitty.

I guess your response will depends upon what he's recorded.

If the recording only shows that you are behaving appropriately/lovingly towards your child then you've got no worries.

If it can show that he's goading you then that will come through too ...but if it is worrying you that's he's recorded you saying something/behaving in a way that would mean you risk losing your child then maybe you need to look at how you've behaved.

We all have our "shouty mum" days but no court would remove a child for that. How bad is the recording?

Agree with Pass, looking at it objectively OP is there anything in the recording that's outside 'normal' parenting? People like your ex are often good at convincing us their threats have substance when they actually don't so I would think carefully about whether he really does have any ammunition before you do anything else.

Solicitor said yesterday that I've not to worry about it and take it a step at a time. It took me years to come out of this relationship and there is no come back whatever happens. Hope it all turns out well in the end. Thank you everyone for words od wisdom.

My ex threatened me by texting along the lines of "DD will be able to talk soon, and if i find out you're mistreating her i'll wipe the floor with you"

He also regularly goes away for 4 and 5 weeks at a time to work abroad.

Your solicitor is spot on, if he has legitimate concerns why would he leave his child with you? He's is a bullying shit, like my ex.

@Flyg exactly that's who he is. I'm so proud and happy that I've finally found the courage to stand up to him and leave. I knew this was going to be a hell and was preparing for it for months. Yes I'm stressed and anxious but I see the light and I know one day it will be better and we will be free and happy in our new cosy happy home

When you call say a utility company you get the message ‘calls may be recorded for quality and training purposes’ otherwise it’s illegal to record the caller. I’m not a lawyer but could the same rule be applied here?

There are loads of websites, usually US-based, that encourage men to record their stbew's to provide evidence to counter claims of verbal and physical abuse during the separation and divorce. He probably got the idea from there.