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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red flags or just self depriciation?

27 replies

WhisperingInTheDark · 03/09/2019 11:39

Met a man via online dating. We've been chatting for almost 2 weeks now, and been on one date. He seems like a normal, easy-going type of person.

He is also quite self depricating, and I'm not sure if it's one of those jokey things or a "if a person tells you what they are like, listen to them" sort of thing.

How would you feel if someone repeatedly told you they were lazy and terrible? The most concerning comment for me was calling himself a bastard with a cold heart.

I barely know him. I don't really know if he's joking. He puts on a good front if he's telling the truth, though.

Would you give it more time to get to know a person who talks about themselves like this, or would you give it a miss?

OP posts:

SBD1 · 03/09/2019 12:02

Sounds like he doesn't love himself at all.

It would be a no from me, eventually it will grate on you

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2019 12:03

Believe him. Never a truer word than spoken in jest.

froglin · 03/09/2019 12:09

I agree calling himself a bastard with a cold heart is concerning. It sounds like he is setting things up to treat you badly.

ncqtime · 03/09/2019 12:11

He's done something wrong in the past and can't guarantee he won't act like that again, in fact it's probably quite likely

category12 · 03/09/2019 12:35

I'd believe what he says about himself and fuck him off, tbh.

My experience has been that someone who tells you how cold-hearted they are etc, is usually telling the truth. They expect you to want to rescue or cure them, and when you inevitably fail, it's your fault for not being enough, and anyway they told you what they're like.

CassettesAreCool · 03/09/2019 12:38

No use sticking around for him to prove it OP. Don’t waste your time.

loveyoutothemoon · 03/09/2019 12:54

I would run, he's actually warning you there!

Pinkmonkeybird · 03/09/2019 13:02

Agree with @category12. Sounds like he's setting you up for a challenge. I'd have dropped him like a stone once he uttered the words "cold hearted bastard". My ex used to revel in the fact his friends called him "evil " (his name). I should have listened to them as he wasn't a kind person at all.

I'd dump him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/09/2019 13:03

I used to date someone who called himself cunt a lot.

I think he would wear the 'I'm a cu*t' as a badge of honour and say to himself (and ultimately me), that he'd warned me.

I remember one day he'd been horrid, said something really nasty and really upset me, during the argument he said to me 'told you I was a cunt'! Think he used it as an excuse to excuse his behaviour.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 03/09/2019 13:13

Thays not self deprecating humour, self deprecating humour is at least trying to be funny.

"Would you like to go for a walk?"
"With my sense of direction? Id probably end up in the backstreets of Uzbekistan..😝"

Something like that..

Of he's saying he's a bastard with a cd heart he's setting you up for later when things go wrong and he can say,
"I did warn you from the start what I was like"

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 03/09/2019 13:29

Massive red flag here. They do it so that when they do turn into a bastard with a cold heart they can say they warned you so why are you upset.

Another one I've had is 'you're too good for me'.

I run if anyone says anything on a par with the above now after learning the hard way.

thethoughtfox · 03/09/2019 13:34

He is warning you what to expect and testing to see if you will put up with it.

MargoLovebutter · 03/09/2019 14:58

It depends a bit on how he is saying it. If he is saying "I volunteer every Saturday at my local football club and help out with the disabled team, I'm such a cold-hearted bastard", then I'd think he is trying rather clumsily not to let me see he is a big softie / generous with his time etc.

However, if he says "I never go and visit my mum, I'm such a cold-hearted bastard" then I'd think, yup that's exactly what you are and it would be a real turn off for me.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 03/09/2019 15:03

He also described himself as 'lazy and terrible' though. Alot of abusive men will also play the poor helpless victim to try and see if you will 'save' them from themselves.

If you ever met the devil, he would want you to feel sorry for him

That quote has always stayed with me as so many of my abusive ex's tried that tactic (and sadly it worked on me).

RantyAnty · 03/09/2019 15:08

He's telling you exactly who he is as well as playing the victim in hopes that you'll feel sorry for him and stick around and try to "fix" him.

simone1863 · 03/09/2019 15:08

Christ, is there anything that doesn't pass for abuse on here?

Original poster

WhisperingInTheDark · 03/09/2019 15:11

I'm not accusing him of being abusive, I'm canvassing for opinions from people who have experienced similar situations.

The vast majority are advising me to be wary, which I will definitely take into consideration. At the moment, I'm going to back off entirely and see how he reacts. If I continue to feel uncomfortable I will heed those feelings and this thread.

OP posts:

category12 · 03/09/2019 15:13

No-one's saying it's abuse.

The question was, whether you'd bother with a bloke who says this kind of stuff about himself.

He's the expert on himself. Does someone who is lazy, terrible and a cold-hearted bastard sound like someone worth getting to know or like someone who'd make a good boyfriend? No.

On what basis would you dismiss what he says about himself and assume he's not the things he says he is?

simone1863 · 03/09/2019 15:21

It could be all sorts of things. Projection about perceived failures, all sorts. Not necessarily attractive, but could just simply be self deprecating.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/09/2019 15:24

He's telling you who he is - LISTEN!!!
I've been on many dates and not one of them have made comments like this. Why would they?
1st dates, you are supposed to be trying to make a GOOD impression.
He sounds like a total knobhead to be honest!

Starsabove1 · 03/09/2019 15:32

I would take it as a warning OP - he’s either giving you fair warning about who he is, or he has serious self esteem issues. This is the best impression stage, none of those words are best impressions.
Leave him to it. No one should have you thinking this deeply about whether or not they are worth your time after 2 weeks.

Pinkbonbon · 03/09/2019 15:53

I would certainly take 'im a bastard with a cold heart' as a warning yes. Unless it was an obvious jokey response to something relevant. Like 'I didn't cry to that Disney film - I'm obviously bastard with a cold heart' (unless it was when muffassa died, in which case he's a stone hearted psycho right enough xD).

But otherwise, run for the hills.

Reallynowdear · 03/09/2019 16:03

It's been 2 weeks, I would move on.

This soon in, you should be thinking about a persons' positive traits and looking forward to spending more time getting to know them.

If you feel uncomfortable, there's a good reason.

ellzebellze · 03/09/2019 16:06

What you have to ask yourself is...

Why would it even occur to anyone to say those things unless there was at least a grain of truth in it?

billy1966 · 03/09/2019 16:18

OP, by his own words he's a lazy, cold hearted bastard.

Is this what you are looking for in a partner?

Why would you not believe him?

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