Husband possibly autistic. On the verge of separating

[Ivebeenblind]

My husband announced two weeks ago that he wanted out. He said he didn’t love me anymore and refused marriage counselling . Part of me felt relieved. He is unable to communicate with me or our children. He is frustrated, shouty and intolerant of our children . Disengaged, selfish and shut off emotionally. He feels undermined and criticised by me as I call him out on every abusive outburst and won’t accept him being nasty to our kids. I have been lonely for years . He sleeps eats and watches tv and his phone when he is at home. He is a workaholic also . Zero interest in family life or that of his kids and me .
So I went to a trusted counsellor . Having stated all the above she is convinced that he has autistic traits or is indeed autistic . This has really thrown me as one of my children has autism and I’m sad because I would never abandon her yet I feel like I’m abandoning him. She maintains that he will need to do a lot of work if we are to stay together and I need to understand his lack of ability to communicate and express emotion. I’m in complete turmoil now . Does anyone have any experience here please. He is back peddling now saying he sos t mean to say he didn’t love me but will absolutely not engage in counselling . Thanks for reading. I’ve kept it as factual as possible . Thanks

"He is frustrated, shouty and intolerant of our children . Disengaged, selfish and shut off emotionally. He feels undermined and criticised by me as I call him out on every abusive outburst and won’t accept him being nasty to our kids. I have been lonely for years . He sleeps eats and watches tv and his phone when he is at home. He is a workaholic also . Zero interest in family life or that of his kids and me"

Sounds like my ex. He's not autistic.

I am though, I don't think what you've said necessarily points to ASD.

He does sound like an arsehole though, and you'd be well rid of him.

Having stated all the above she is convinced that he has autistic traits or is indeed autistic .

It’s great that a person who is not a medical professional has been able to make a diagnosis. We should all get onboard with this, would save the health system a shedload of money.

I would never abandon her yet I feel like I’m abandoning him.

You need to move beyond this like of thinking. Even if he had some sort of more sympathetic disability, he is an adult and he is not your responsibility to care for forever unconditionally. If you cannot cope with his disability, even if it's not his fault, you are not morally obliged to.

Op, the difference is maybe dh being autistic means his behaviour is not about not caring about you/family but his autism, esp if he never had a diagnosis.
FWIW, I do think it sounds like autism
If so it’s unlikely he will change, but you and him may understand more.
I’m not saying you have to stay, just offering my view.

You will be well rid of him.

The counsellor you saw was not at all qualified in this specialism nor in any position at all to make such a pronouncement. She overstepped the mark here and should be reported if she is registered with the likes of BACP.

If he has not been officially diagnosed with ASD you cannot assume that he is anywhere on the autistic spectrum. What you write of him would suggest abusive more than anything else. His actions to my mind stem from wanting power and control over you all and abuse is all about power and control.

So he was always like this?

Often the cost of dealing with life is huge for someone with autism, being shut off, disengaging, on phone maybe his way of coping with life (needing downtime)

So when is he moving out then if he wants out?. He is not going to do that in a hurry either and will probably refuse to leave; he enjoys seeing your discomfort and distress here too much. I have no doubt either that he will make the whole process of you separating from him as difficult as possible as a way of "punishing" you further. Such men really do hate women, all of them.

Of course you would never abandon your child they are your child
He is not and it’s not the same

Your "trusted counsellor" is not trustworthy. How unprofessional to be diagnosing a complex condition without a) being qualified to do so, and b) even meeting the person.

I'm in the same situation. I completely understand that you feel like you want to give your husband a chance because you would like someone to give your dd the same chance when she's an adult.
A couple of things helping in my situation:
My dp accepts that he is autistic,
I accept that he has no empathy. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about me, I know he loves me
My dp is willing to learn and try to change. As we learn about our ds autism,my dp is learning about himself. I am learning about dp aswell and how to understand him better.

It's tough and the first battle will be your dh admitting he needs to change. If he won't then don't feel guilty about wanting to leave, it's not a healthy place for your kids to be if he is shouty towards them.

And remember that because your dd has been diagnosed early and will have intervention, she will be different to your dp when she is older.

should be reported if she is registered with the likes of BACP.

Quite.
If she's registered with them.
My impression is that anybody can call themselves a "councillor" without any qualifications, training or a registration with a professional body.

This must be maddening to genuine councillors.

Sorry, OP, that wasn't your question.
It might be difficult to get a diagnosis if your husband won't present himself to someone qualified to make a diagnosis.

Maybe you'll just have to decide whether you can tolerate this behaviour, if he backpedals, long term or not.

Once more a thread about a man who behaves appallingly to his family and autism is suggested by an unqualified person as the cause.

Oddly enough,most of those characteristics you described do not form any part of the diagnostic criteria.

OP, you can suggest your husband could do the AQ test online to have an idea if he has traits. If so, his next step would be to make an appointment for an assessment with his GP. Please realise, if he is autistic, just knowing that will not bring about any changes, he is who he is whether he has autism or not.

Also see this site, it explains the spectrum very well.
theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

should be reported if she is registered with the likes of BACP.

Ridiculous. The counselor wasn't making a formal diagnosis but suggested what she thought the problem was. If a man went to a counselor because his wife was acting distraught after childbirth, a counselor would be more than wise to say they thought the wife has post natal depression and suggest the husband take it further.

Has he always been like this?
Being autistic doesn't mean he's allowed to be abusive or selfish.

If he doesn't want to split now you need to have some very serious conversations about what you both want/need/expect.

You don't need to go to counselling for every bump in the road...

busybarbara:

The counselor wasn't making a formal diagnosis but suggested what she thought the problem was.

OP:

she is convinced that he has autistic traits or is indeed autistic .

suggested is bit different from being convinced.

My exH fits your description well but then later also had affairs.
During all the divorce proceedings he suddenly announced he thought he had aspergers. I went through the same confusion/guilt you describe. At the end of the day, it may explain some behaviours but not all, and it certainly doesn't excuse them or make them OK and something you should have to experience.
As your DD grows up through specialist help, social stories and your loving influence she will learn ways to communicate and not end up like him.

Op your counsellor is a dick.

(Am autistic and a counsellor btw)

If he's not a good partner to you it does not matter why.
But what you describe isn't screaming autism to me.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Could you ask him to see the GP and ask for a referral for a ASD diagnosis? It is not going for counselling and it should help him in the long run to know if he has autism or not.

This sounds very like my situation a few years ago. I wondered if he had problem or was having some sort of breakdown. There turned out to be a woman from work who encouraged him to disengage from his family. He denied this, but he changed and could see that there was another ‘voice’. She moved as soon as I left him.

It's hard to get a referral as an adult in a lot of areas without evidence of your condition impacting negatively on your life

A diagnosis won't stop him from behaving like this either.

Even if you do eventually end up splitting up just knowing if he has asd or not would be useful.

ASD runs in families and I've known several parents diagnosed after finding out their children had it. I have also known partners of asd spouses who felt they had to give their relationships an extra chance because they didn't want their asd dc to see the asd parent 'abandoned' so I see your dilemma. Ultimately you deserve to be happy and you shouldn't stay with someone who mistreats you.

Worth finding out for sure if he has asd. However this is not without its complications as an asd diagnosis can throw an individual off balance for a while as they process it and its implications.

Autistic or not, does it really matter? Your marriage is a misery and your husband refuses to do anything to try and fix it. Get rid as soon as humanly possible and move on. You will be very glad you did.

He sounds like a dick. I'm sick of autism being an excuse for men to act like utter cunts.

You can get an adult diagnosis through a psychiatrist's private practice if not through the NHS.