My husband thinks he might not want to be with me any more - long, sorry

[Coffeeessential]

Last night my husband of 16 years told me he's been unhappy with me for a long time; he loves me deeply but doesn't feel like he is 'in' love any more and doesn't know whether he can get it back.

I still have trust issues from my pregnancy 15 years ago - he panicked I think when he knew he was going to be a dad and when our daughter was 9 months old I found that he'd been ringing chat lines during my pregnancy and it had carried on after she was born. I also had severe PND after she was born which didn't help. This has been a major issue in our relationship since; I have had some counselling but have always struggled with it and he says I have never trusted him; we have virtually no sex life as a result. We spoke about this around six months ago and he said that although it made him sad he would rather have no sex and still have me.

I lost my mum two and a half years ago when I was only 41, only nine months after losing my favourite Nana and have struggled so much with my feelings and helping my 15 year old through her own grief. I also went back to work only 7 months after my mum died after being a SAHM for 13 years which was another major change. I know I have been hell to live with and a horrible person to be around and I have taken him for granted. I have had counselling and am on the waiting list for more and struggle most days. Twice I have shouted at him that I no longer want to be married; I don't even know why myself when he has been nothing but supportive.

As I'm writing this I can see myself why he doesn't want to be with me any more. But his messages have been so confusing; all along he has told me that I mean everything to him and that he isnt' going anywhere, yet know he's apparently felt like this for years. It was only two months ago that he booked the trip of a lifetime to Florida and now I don't even know if I'll have to tell my daughter we're not going. He doesn't know whether he wants to separate or not, he doesn't know if he's in love with me any more and he doesn't know how much time he'll need to decide.

There isn't anyone else but I know he is dreadfully unhappy in work and I haven't supported him as I have been so caught up in myself and my grief. I really, really do not know what to do or where to turn; it feels like the last bit of safety I had since losing the two most important women in my life has gone. I'm not looking for sympathy, I know I am at fault here but I don't know which way is up. I want this marriage to work but i don't want to beg.

I know that counselling is a go-to response on MN, but in your case it really sounds like it could be useful. So many issues to unpick! You mention that you've had counselling yourself but would your DH be receptive to having couples counselling?

You need to decide what you want and go for it.
Having read your post I would advise you sit him down and tell him what you have written here.
You do seem to be struggling with everything and to be honest, don't seem to have moved on from previous issues, bereavement, chat lines 14 years ago!!!, no sex, etc
It does sound like you don't want to be together but don't know how to move on from things. Maybe counselling would help you both to decide what you want and how to move forward and get it.

I definitely think couples counseling is the way forward op

It sounds like he's put up with a lot of coldness in the marriage and been there through some tough times for you. If he's struggling too then you owe it to him to be there for him, surely and try and to work through everything that's making life tough for you both. You can't just push someone away forever and not expect the relationship to wither. This happened to my friend. Try and go to counselling. You both sound like you care, it's worth trying, surely?