Marriage ended, fling ended... soo lonely

[K8t4]

In April I decided to end my marriage. I knew I wasn't in love with my husband anymore and hadn't been for years. I didn't fancy him and we never had sex or affection or intimacy at all. Due to circumstances and the time it's taking to sort things out we are still living together and probably will be for another few months. This in itself is ok as things are amicable and we still do things together as a family for the kids.

But, not long after I ended the marriage I had a fling with a man who gave me the attention and intimacy that I craved. It was addictive but unfortunately for me I got feelings for him whereas for him it was just a bit of fun. This fling ended amicably as we work in the same office but seeing him everyday is hard as I do still have feelings for him. This is something I am working on getting over.

I just don't understand why I am craving sex and intimacy and romance soo badly at the moment. I feel so lonely and as bad as it sounds I am desperate for a mans attention and to feel wanted and close to someone.

I think my self esteem is very low as my husband never desired me and then I was rejected by my fling.

I don't even know why I am posting or what I am asking to be honest. Has anyone else felt so lonely and miserable? I feel I need to move on with my life but can't because I am still living with ex husband and have feelings for a man I can't have. I just feel so stressed out and unhappy.

If it's attention u crave why not sign up to a dating website and go on some dates? U don't have to bring them home just enjoy yourself for a little bit don't worry about getting into a relationship or anything just have some fun

Suggest seeking to resolve the separation, especially DC, housing and finance, and counselling.

Dating now is unlikely to help.

Figure out some counselling/therapy. It's fine to feel lonely and like you want companionship, it's another to need a man (any man)'s attention to feel good

Yes, I think it is a mans, any mans attention I need, well within reason. I don't know why.

I remember your previous thread with having the affair with a married man.

You are going through a self esteem crisis and will seek some form of validation of being good enough or attractive for attention. Its normal.

What you must do is keep yourself safe during this time! No impulsive behaviours and just take time out to work everything through in your head.

Would it possible to get a break with the little ones? It will be hard for you to feel on your own until you actually are.

You don’t “need” a man’s sexual interest.

The grass isn't always greener

I think its natural. I think you craved that with your partner and didnt quite get it and then had a taster with the fling and it felt good... i think its completely natural to want to feel wanted and looked after by a man given your recent past. On the other hand look at it as it should be somehow temporary and the goal is to feel good within yourself and happy by yourself (only then will you find the right man for you) . While you work on that, dont be ashamed to date, even if its a bit meaningless, by no means go sleeping around like a mad person but i dont think joinin a datin site and havin a man to talk to or go for dinner with would be a bad idea. That can give u the little kick of confidence you need to realise youre amazing and any man would be lucky to have you around.

When I left my first marriage aged 28, I felt like you OP, I was literally on dial a date (as it was then) within 10 days. I think I just needed to feel that I was still ‘in demand’ , now I would be absolutely the opposite as I realise many men bring complications to life that I can do without for a good while

Have you always felt like this? When you were younger, did you always want a boyfriend? If so, I think you may need some help from a counsellor to get to the bottom of your feelings and what makes you like this.

It’s completely normal and understandable. Don’t be so hard on yourself, OP....
You were unhappy and unappreciated in your marriage. You decided to change that and move on. And now it’s happening, only too slowly...

For what it’s worth - I don’t think you have real feelings for the guy at work. It’s more likely that you are so hungry for male attention that when you got it from someone - you sort of got imprinted, a bit. You just had such a deficit of it that you jumped right in....

In your place - i’d try casual dating. Not dating to find The One - but dating to have fun. It does wonders to confidence.
Tinder maybe?

I have now signed up to tinder... not sure if it will help me but will see what happens.

OP, speaking as kindly as I can, how will downloading another dating app help when you're not in the right space to date?

It took me 2.5yrs after leaving my marriage of 10yrs to want to date again. I needed that time for ME. To work out what I wanted in a partner, rather than trying to force myself into a mould that suited some random bloke. To understand that all of our bodies are different, and all fantastic in different ways, and if people have a preference for skinny/slim people, that's up to them and I don't need to feel upset about it. There are plenty of people into those of us who don't fall into that bracket.

You sounds like you're trying to find someone to ease the pain of loneliness, but sadly that often doesn't work out. Can you strengthen your friendship groups instead? Work colleagues, school mums, meetup groups, extended family? Seek out people who validate your feelings and love you for who you are.

Everyone deserves this

@K8 I was exactly the same after I ended my marriage.I was desperate to feel attractive in a mans eyes again,I totally get it.

Unwise. On line dating can be harsh, and you’re particularly vulnerable until you shore up yourself and address your circumstances.

Suggest reading some of the online dating threads here on MN for tips from savvy posters/daters.

Your feelings are very typical of where you are at and there is literally nothing wrong with wanting to feel desired or wanted by someone,anyone at this point!! When I got dumped unceremoniously by my ex after 4 years I was on Tinder within a week! I just wanted someone to tell me I was pretty nothing more! You feel worthless and unattractive at this time and you need to know you're not. Anyway, two weeks later got chatting to bloke on Tinder, met him a month later, got married two years ago, together nearly five. He's fecking brilliant and makes me feel brilliant too. Get back on the horse lady 💕