When do I introduce him to the kids?

[lesly78]

Hello Everyone

Im new here and really need some advice;

Ive recently been seeing someone for about three months, which is pretty new to me due to being a single mum for two.
I feel like I do honestly like this guy and want to take it to the next step. hes really open to the idea of kids, but his he ready?

He always tells me how much of an amazing women I am, how we click so much and have a lot of fun together. He also asked me recently, 'it be well nice to have something with you' and also as said that he doesnt want to come off too keen. which got me thinking is he ready? what does he want?

please help me in my time of need

love to all

xxx

I would definitely say not yet. 3 months is still brand new and you want to be sure he's in it for the long haul. Personally I'd wait until closer to the year mark when you know him much better and know where you stand.

At least a year

I waited 6 months - and then for a couple of years he would only see DP for a day every 5 weeks (the way his shifts work & DS with his Dad) so it was gradual.

I waited a year before telling my kids, I think 6 months is absolute minimum.

a year

Three months is far too early. A year is about right to introduce him in a romantic sense.

2-3 years

I wouldn’t expect any single mother to live like a nun at a convent. That said the primary focus should always be the children. As another thread recently highlights, letting the wrong guy in could have devastating consequences to your kids.

If he’s everything you think he is, he’ll be happy to go at a slow pace. Three months is a blink of an eye. Minimum six months, ideally a year. And only then as an introduction. A gradual process to give your kids time to adjust and also to see what he’s like with them. Kids first. Always.

It depends in part how long ago you split with the kids dad. How happy they are with the split. How well you know him.
I met my DSS after about 3 months but DH had split up from DSS's Mum when he was a baby. He was a comfortable with them being separated as is possible. He was 4 and had never met another girlfriend of his Dads. Also DH knew friends of mine who had known me for years and could vouch for me not being a twat.

definitely a year or more and don't let him move in until the youngest dc is 18.

Never. He’s sound weird.

Three months is way too early. Beyond that, he doesn't sound sincere so be careful and take your time.

He sounds intense.

Google - Love bombing.
Make sure this isn't what he is doing.
And take your time.
You have kids involved in this and you can't rush it.
If he isn't prepared to wait then he isn't the one.
Make it clear to him that you won't be introducing him to your DC any time soon.

You want to date and have fun and take things slowly.
His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know.

For heaven’s sake, OP, have some standards! Someone who’s throwing around comments about how nice it would be ‘to have something with you’ (I assume you think this means a child, rather than a picnic) after three months either thinks this is what you want to hear, or has incredibly poor judgement. At three months, you barely know his favourite foods, far less what he’d be like in a relationship, or as a co-parent.

You seem to be getting confused between the child or children you already have, and the one your brand-new boyfriend is hinting about.

In answer to your question — at least a year, in your case. Ideally longer. As a pp said, no one child expects you to be a nun, but your children should not be affected by your relationship.

What is “it be well nice to have something with you” supposed to mean? Or “he’s really open to the idea of kids”? Is he talking about having kids with you after 3 months of dating? If so, he sounds like a right weirdo.

Either way, it’s impossible to give you a time as it will depend on a variety of factors specific to your kids, but you’ve said it still feels new to you, so it’s too early to meet them now.

He always tells me how much of an amazing women I am, how we click so much and have a lot of fun together.

Just be a little bit wary. As per pp look for signs of love bombing. The comments alone might be nothing, but you will know if his behaviour fits LB

He also asked me recently, 'it be well nice to have something with you'

That's not a question, that's a statement. What did he mean? He wants to have a kid? Share your kids? Buy a kitten?

The fact the relationship is so uncertain means that meeting the children is a LONG way off! As everyone says, probably a year is a good 'target'.

Three months is a bit early, I’ve been with my boyfriend six months and he hasn’t met my son yet, my son does however know I have met someone new, what his name is etc. I’m hoping to introduce him soonish (as in a couple of months), but he needs to settle into school properly first as that’s a big change.

I met DH on the Saturday and he introduced me to his kids the following week. He hadn't had a relationship with anyone while they were growing up (just one night stands) and I was the first girlfriend they met. They were 18 and 12 and he was a single dad with residency.

For us it was fine - at his funeral, DSS2 said he had never known his dad to be happy until he met me. I have enjoyed a great relationship with both boys and they adore their little brother, he was an usher at DSS2's wedding recently. You will get people saying wait a year, two, five, but really it's a gamble however short or long. We got lucky and all got on like a house on fire, but the boys didn't really remember their parents being together because she left when DSS2 was a baby and DSS1 was 6 and pretty much living in hospital because of life threatening medical condition.

Going to go against the grain slightly and say that a year is too long. A year is a long time to establish a relationship without children, children will change that dynamic completely and there is still no knowing whether a relationship will last even after a year.

Any relationship can break down at any point, so by that logic children should never be introduced and that just isn’t compatible with having relationships and children.

I also think it depends on the ages of the children. If young they are more adaptable in terms of potential acceptance and also upset if the relationship doesn’t work out, but if they’re older you can have more honest/grown up conversations with them e.g. if you’re dating etc even if you/they don’t want introductions iyswim.

I actually think that it’s far more common for people to introduce children early into the relationship, it’s just that people rarely admit it on here.

All that being said, if you’re not sure whether to introduce him to your children then you’re not ready to. It has to be something that you’re sure of. And even if/when you do I would make it a lighthearted introduction.

In my case I had this plan for introducing my DC around six months in. But eXH made the decision for me because he firstly came round with DS on a day when DP was here, thus ensuring that they met, and then gave me an ultimatum to either tell DS that me and DP were seeing each other or he would. It put me in a very awkward situation, however it did make things slightly easier in that I didn’t have to do the whole planned introduction thing iyswim.

We’ve been together almost seven years now so it worked out. And truth be told I was with eXH for twice that and it didn’t (although obviously he is ds’ dad but still, time is no guarantee of anything.

@lesly78
Your post is confusing about whether he wants to try for baby with or whether you want him to meet your existing kids? Has he already met them?

If he wants to try for a baby I would be very cautious as you don't know each that well yet.