Wrong person, wrong time or am I just an idiot?

[PositiveLife]

I had been in a relationship for 3 years with someone who initially gave me a lot of confidence but then changed behaviour. I put up with too much, in part because of how much they had helped me at the start. The sex was the best I've ever had.

After ending things, I met someone unexpectedly (I already knew him through a hobby but got closer unexpectedly). I really got on with him, enjoyed the same hobbies, he's lovely - he's a genuinely good person.

However, I wasn't really over the ex. It was too soon so I ended it. But we've remained friends and I really enjoy the time we spend together.

I'm really worried about missing out on something good because I was treated badly by the ex. I'm having counselling to understand why I kept taking him back, struggle to leave. But I'm also worried I'm settling, that I won't be satisfied with the sex long term.

I'm scared I'm messing up my life by throwing an opportunity to be happy away just because of an ex that treated me like crap and me staying too long.

I think they are two different things. Are you saying you don’t enjoy sex with the new guy?

I'm not sure who you are settling for: you said you ended the relationship with the second (hobby) guy and you're not with the first sexy guy so I assume you're single.
Don't settle for anyone - neither of the two you mentioned were right for you - wait until you meet someone who you are attracted to sexually and who treats you well.

New guy lacks confidence/experience and I kinda had all that before with Ex-husband. I'm not sure I want to do it again.

But he's brilliant in every other aspect.

Have you accepted it is over with the first ex? Or do you still long for a reconciliation?
If you accept it's over, then the timing is much better for the other guy.

I've been where you are in the past. It's hard to fall for someone (no matter how lovely) when someone else has your heart.

Do you feel any chemistry?

If poor sex is down to inexperience then that can be improved and it is actually you who can influence that as you are more experienced.

I don't think it has to be an all or nothing situation. Why don't you take it slowly with new guy. Maybe go on a date or two and see how you feel then.

@Windmillwhirl I don't know. Logically I have accepted that I deserve better than the ex. I'm horrified at the shit I've put up with but I really struggle that he doesn't get it. He keeps blaming me for everything, saying we could have had something special but I've ruined it because I saw someone else after we split. It's almost like I'm stuck - I can't seem to properly move on while I'm getting blamed for everything and he thinks everything he hurt me with is my perception of his behaviour (I. E. My perception was wrong so I ruined everything because I'm so insecure)

He's being an arse. You split. You were entitled to be with whoever you wanted. His ego has taken a beating so he's blaming you. Don't buy into it.

You did nothing wrong, start believing it.