Two abusers?

[dreamchaser17]

Once carefree, I now am easily irked and will lash out at my other half sometimes escalating it to violence. He used to be the aggressor but now he cannot see his wrong-doings. As I am the one who has been building resentment and starting arguments he will then impose conditions on what I can and cannot do to atone - normally involving the children being unable to fraternise with my side , and outlines the repercussions to my friends and family if I do not conform, who he frequently makes disparaging remarks about. Is it possible to come back from this?

I didn't want to read and run and I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon.

But IMO you can't come back from it. You have both been abusive towards each other, being violent is never acceptable and neither is doling out punishments and controlling your partner like that.

I'd probably be leaning towards a fresh start and some counselling for both of you.

Thank you for replying, I was afraid that was the answer

Sounds like an exhausting constant power struggle with zero communication between both of you. The poor kids in the middle of it all!

No, I'm not sure this is workable long term, you probably should consider separating. Sooner rather than later before one of the kids tells a teacher about a the violence or it goes too far & one of you ends up in A&E. Once front line services become involved, you may find social care take further choices out of your hands.

We have never been violent in front of the children and we've been together 14 years. The violence is limited to throwing things but I'm concerned more about the emotional abuse. Again all conducted discreetly, and not in front of our girls.

They will know dreamchaser, kids will pick up on atmosphere and sudden landing sounds of objects being thrown. They will know something's not right.

You sound so unhappy and if you are both perpetrators & victims of abuse, then you need to split. It's unhealthy for everyone involved.

It a fairly toxic relationship. It sounds like he's pushing you until you flip then uses that as an excuse to blame you and control you and you either accept his ultimatum because you feel guilty or fight back and it keeps going. It's definitely not healthy for you or your children to live like this.

Try and think what happens before you flip out and get aggressive. If he is essentially starting the argument by saying something upsetting or abusive then it's still starting with him even if your response is less than good.

It sounds like you should Leave.

I'd do the Freedom Programme iiwy. Go along to a group.

My heart goes out to you

We have never been violent in front of the children and we've been together 14 years
Again all conducted discreetly, and not in front of our girls

Are you seriously clueless about the damage you are causing your children or just don't want to acknowledge or admit what you are doing to them? OF COURSE they pick up on what is going on.
How about putting them first and doing the right thing for them?