adult children new relationships

[myidentitymycrisis]

hope this isn't too long, but here goes. Apologies if its a bit unclear but my head is full of thoughts and I just need to get it down.

DP and I currently live in different countries. He in a mobile home while he does major build on his house, I rent from local authority. His DS - lets call him DSS (21) lives with DP's ex wife, about 5 miles away, my DS (24) rents privately about 1/2 an hour from me.

We are taking about me moving over there, and thinking about me making a loan to him to move his building work on more quickly so this could happen, I would stay where I am for now. I originally suggested that I invest for a share in the property, but he prefers a loan. If we were to marry, any loan/or share of the property would be absorbed back into the joint assets. He thinks he could pay back 10k over a year starting in 12 months time. I would draw up an agreement with a solicitor for this to be paid by standing order. He also suggested I could work for him and get paid back by salary (!)

So, this was sounding sort of ok to me, for a preliminary conversation, not details, until he floated a plan he also has to build a self contained cabin in the garden, for his son to live in, and I baulked at this.
These are my reasons so far:

1. One of the reasons I got into this relationship when I did, was because our kids were young adults and pretty self sufficient, because I see that we have really different parenting styles and we would clash over that.
2. DSS is a sweet guy but feels flaky to me, and I think DP enables it. for example he lost his phone last year and it only got sorted when DP did it for him because he wanted to contact DSS. DP still pays his phone bill.
3. DSS just finished his 2nd year at uni and now announces to DP that he is taking a year out. When I enquired why DP said he didn't know and didn't pursue it. I might be wrong, but I'm speculating he may have not done well in exams. DP asked if he had a job and he said he didn't. DP then plans to pay for driving lessons for him so that he can work for DP
4. We had previously discussed maybe building a cabin to rent out as an airbnb in the future, not for DSS..

I am planning to let DS take on my tenancy if he can, if I move to DP's permanently, but now I am starting to feel cold feet. I would be giving up my security; tenancy, job and leaving my son behind and having DSS being in the back garden. I explained to DP that DS would always have a home with me if he needed it. but I expect him to be and have brought him up to be, independent, and he is, while what he is doing with DSS appears to be tethering him to him.

I'm fully prepared to be told I don't care for DSS. But I do like him, its just DP's way of relating to him that I struggle with. I just hope I've put enough info on here to give a balanced picture. I suppose the bottom line is, I would never want to come between DP and his son, or expect him to choose me over DSS, but I really only feel comfortable having a relationship with DP not with DSS on such close quarters, so I think I am going to have to step back from this relationship.

Unless the wisdom of MN can help me see this from another perspective.

Sounds like you may be leaving yourself pretty vulnerable.

Also if he owes you 10k, he owes you 10k. If he owes you 10k and you work for him he owes you 10k plus a salary. Otherwise he gets both your money and your labour. If he's going to pay you back via salary and you not work be careful as this may impact any benefits as well as you having to be taxed.

I think that you need to be careful and financing his house doesn't sound like the best investment. Mixing money can make things very complicated especially when you have no final say about what you're investing in.

Is this really a relationship you actually want to be in; what would your counsel be if a friend was telling you all this?. What would you do if you lived there day to day?. How big would the culture shock be?. Is English widely spoken or would you have to learn another language?.
Where is your own social network here in this country of DPs other than him and his son?.

I would stay where you are and not move to where this man lives. I would also reconsider the relationship entirely. It all sounds like a disaster of epic proportions and not just financial either. How well do you really know each other and how has this relationship been conducted to date?.

@user1471533725

yes I understand about me working for nothing if I worked for him, hence my (!). I would prefer to get a job, have my money repaid and my wages.
and I agree I would have no weight to say what was built in the garden or who lived in it if I just made a loan to him.

@Attila
English is the first language so I could get work quite easily or work for the business, I still expect there to be a culture shock though.
I dont have a social network there at the moment as I dont live there, that is another reason I would like to work independently. We have known each other for a very long time as friends. If It was a friend and they felt they were in love I would encourage them to try, but the complications with the house and the son are the main sticking points.

How can I say to him; 'I dont want to live with your son, even in the garden, unless it was an emergency, without hurting his feelings?

Thing is most parents are blind to wrong doings of their children until they completely break them.

Your partner has shown he doesn't expect his son to be an adult and that will not change regardless of what you say.

So the real question is - can you cope with living and bailing out DSS long term? If not then you need to stay where you are and find someone else whose grown up children, if they have them, act like adults.

His DS can’t be intending to back to uni if he’s planning to go abroad and live in his dads cabin.
Stay put, he’s using you to get funds for his build, if he has a business why is he asking you for a loan?
How did you meet and how long have you known him? It ALL sounds flakey 🙄

1. you give up your secure accommodation in the UK and if this relationship goes tits up you're homeless AND have lost residence in the UK and can't get back on housing list (or be entitled to benefits for quite a period of time).

1. You lend him £10k which even with a legal document would be a nightmare to get back through TWO different countries legal systems if things don't work out.

1. As your son is not resident at your address it seems unlikely they will just let you sign over a tenancy to him! I believe tenancies can no longer be passed on so you need to check this out asap!

1. He expects you to lend him a huge amount of money, AND work for free to get it returned. WTF? So you'll basically be unable to get a job and will be using YOUR savings to support yourself.

1. You fundamentally disagree with his parenting style and will probably be living with dss while his 'cabin' is being built. That's a recipe for disaster.

1. He is insistent that the property remains his alone. So he can kick you out at any time.

Have long has he been your dp? Have you ever lived in the same country as a couple? Or is it just romantic weekends when you visit?

You stand to lost your home, your money, your job security and be homeless and penniless should it all go wrong (please check UK residency rules - being British doesn't mean you are immediately entitled to help if you have lived out of the country for a period!). My feet would be bloody freezing off rather than cold at this plan.

OP.. not a chance would I be giving this guy £10K, and he has the brass neck to ask you to work for him too, to pay you back? WTAF OP how does that work

You would be a mug to go for any part of this 'deal' which benefits only ONE person.... HIM

Bookworm sorry my post must have been a bit unclear, DSS lives in same country as DP and at uni there.

Thingsdogetbetter I know it sounds a bit crazy but we have known each other as good friends for a very long time. we first met over 30 years ago. It is just weekends and holidays for the past 18 months and not all romantic, we do argue! I did turn him down as relationship material when kids were young for these reasons but thought now they are grown it would be better.

DS and I would have to share the house for a year before I could pass it to him, we have checked this out. I would become the named lodger as he was previously, which would yes give me no right I would be dependent on the good will of DS to let me move back. I have explained to him that if I move, the house will reman the family house and I would have a home there if I needed it same as he would if he went abroad for work and then needed to come back.

We really do want to live together but I think the logistics of it are too complicated. I don't even want to share the garden with DSS, let alone the house. If DP doesn't have money for the cabin/studio, as you say DSS might end up in the house with us at least some of the time.

I just need to let it go I suppose. Thanks for reading and replying

OP.. would your DP give you a ten thousands pounds loan ? be honest

Are you on glue? You are being exploited on every aspect of this idea, from the money, to the living arrangements, to the fact that you will barely be able to make your own decisions once you arrive, and the fact that you will be looking after the flaky step son like as not.

You sound like a nice person, do not be so entranced by this. Every single part of this idea has you bearing difficulties and financial costs.

@BumbleBeee69
I think he would. He trusts me

@LexMitior
I agree. That is why I am stalling all the time.
I just don’t know how to let him down gently and I am stalling. He is a good man. Not exploitative but naive and a little unrealistic.

what did you decide to do OP ?