To feel sad that I might not ever get married again?

[Sharkirasharkira]

I got married quite young but split with my ex 7yrs ago as he was abusive and a drug addict.

I've dated a few people since becoming single about a year ago and it's seems that the men I meet that want relationships fall into 2 camps:

1 - wants marriage but also want their own kids/more kids. This isn't an option for me, I have 2dcs already and I can't have anymore.

2 - are so jaded by their past relationships or parents' relationship breakdowns they don't see the point in marriage or actively don't want it.

I've been seeing someone for a few months and he is one of the number 2 camp. His parents' marriage broke down and so did his relationship with his ex. Not interested in marriage because of this. I could really potentially see a future with him but it makes me sad to think that if we stayed together and things went well we would most likely never get married.

Attitudes like his seem to be more and more common, especially in my age group so it's making me feel like even if we break up and I find someone else I'll be in a similar position.

I know it isn't the be all and end all and ultimately I'd rather have a long term partner who loves me than be single and lonely waiting for someone who wants marriage but I also can't help feeling a little sad that my first crappy marriage might be the only one I get

I think that maybe you should enjoy your new relationship for what it is without overthinking it. I certainly came out of my divorce 8 years ago thinking I'd be quite happy to never get married again. As it happens I did remarry last year but only after being with him for nearly 6 years. I think people are a lot more tentative about marriage second time round, and rightly so. I certainly don't want to be divorced more than once. I'd have quite happily stayed as we were with separate houses til the kids had all left home, but he asked, I loved him, and it made financial sense to do it. That sounds awful. But what I'm trying to say is that marriage isn't everything.

I married at 24 divorced at 32 then married again at 36

In fairness, once you have been married once and seen it fail and seen your parents marriage fail, it is very, very difficult not to become cynical. I know I am.

I do get that. When my marriage failed I was convinced I didn't want to go through it again. But now enough time has passed I know that not all men are the same and I'd really like to have another chance at it.

I am really enjoying what we're doing at the moment tbh, it's fun and I like his company. I'm in no rush to do anything more and I'm happy to just take our time but I think there's just a teeny bit of me that feels a bit sad that we probably won't ever be more than just boyfriend & girlfriend.

Being not married doesn't guarantee that you will stay together any more than being married does.

What’s wrong with being boyfriend and girlfriend?

You’ve taken vows once and it went wrong despite marriage supposedly being for life. I can see why he wouldn’t want to do it.

I think it's really nice that you are still holding out for the fairytale. But it's just as special to be in love and together and choosing to be with each other.

I kinda feel anyone who gets married twice is a hypocrite.

In what way LadyGodiva83?

You don't need to be married to be happy OP

How old are you? How old are the men you are dating?

I don't think you can blame people for being cynical about marriage and therefore not wanting to do it. It doesn't mean they are investing less in a relationship necessarily, but to a lot of people getting married is a big party and then a lot of extra expense and paperwork if you later split. 50/50 odds aren't great and they are even more dismal for second marriages. I called off my own wedding earlier this year, and I know I won't ever be so stupid as to tie myself to a man financially ever again, so I won't be getting married. I am not ruling out relationships totally, but as I don't want any more DC I don't see the point in marrying. I certainly wouldn't if I were the higher earner, endangering my DDs standard of living in the event of divorce and asset split. There are so many negatives to outweigh the fairytale ending that is sold to us.

Me too Lady, with the exception of widowers.

Why do you think its hypocritical to get married twice? I'm genuinely confused by that.

I’m genuinely interested to know why people find it hypocritical. My marriage broke down because my ex was physically, sexually, emotionally, and financial abusive. I was very serious about my vows and in the end my family removed me from the situation. It has left me feeling cynical about getting married again, but also worrying about what people would think. So I’m genuinely interested

Of course it's not hypocritical. You can have more than one love of your life.

I have been looking at wedding dresses online because I hated my wedding dress which was like a big white meringue!

This is my favorite one if I ever get married again (which is highly unlikely)

This is it for some reason it didn't work last time?

sorry about the triple post something is up with my computer!

Op, at least you have found someone you enjoy being with. I’m glad you have.

I’ve stopped looking, after a series of dates with men who turned out to be really unpleasant. Being single was not in the plan but is better than the alternative..

If you already have kids and don't plan on having anymore and aren't planning on giving up work to become a trailing spouse then I don't think marriage is necessary. If you end up in a long term relationship and living together you can always protect each other through wills without risking a potentially painful and messy divorce should this relationship fail too.

"Being not married doesn't guarantee that you will stay together any more than being married does."

Being married does mean breaking up is probably going to be more painful and more difficult though. Is all the fairytale happy-ever-after significance justified given the divorce rate? You have to look mainly at whether you need the legal benefits of marriage.

@Scott72

A friend of mine wasn't married and had 3 children when she decided to tie the knot - I think because her parents went though a messy divorce when she was 5 it put her off getting married. She has now been married for 10 years and is very happy. As for the legal side yes it does make it easier if you are married but you can always see a solicitor to make sure everything is shared 50/50 if anything should happen.

I don't find being married more than once hypocritical at all. It's not the 1800's thank god and women (and men) have a choice to not continue a relationship if the other person is abusive, etc. You try your hardest to make it work but sometimes it just doesn't. My dad remarried after his wife cheated multiple times and has been with my mom nearly 40 years.

My exH was not the person I married in the end, he didn't hold up his end of the bargain and I did not sign up for that. He actively made our lives worse and I felt no guilt or shame in walking away.

Incidentally we didn't have any shared assets or finances and I was the higher earner so our divorce was very easy, I just applied for the fees to be paid to the court, filled in the paperwork and that was it. I didn't want anything from him, I just didn't want to be married to him anymore.

Obviously I would never enter into a marriage thinking about what might happen if it went wrong but just saying it doesn't have to be a long, difficult process.

I don't really like the idea of being 'boyfriend and girlfriend' when I'm old and grey and something about being married implies (to me) that you really are committed to each other, it's the most committed you can really get without having kids. As I said, since I won't be having any more children it's the only thing I can do.

Yes ultimately I would rather have a 'boyfriend' who loved me that a husband who didn't, or no one at all but, I don't know, it's just makes me sad to think I might never have that same level of commitment again.