Too much time with his ex?

[YellowArdvsrk]

I possibly am being unreasonable and if I am do let me know but I need a sense check around this! I’m trying to figure out if I’m being a horrible jealous person or if I actually have something to worry about.

I’ve been seeing a guy for four months and it’s going really well. He has two dcs, and hadn’t been with their mum for about a year before me (she left him if it’s relevant).

It’s going well but I feel odd about how much time he still spends with his ex. The dcs live with her but he has them four afternoons/evenings a week (one on the weekend) and on these days she joins them for dinner at his house. In addition to this they still do regular supermarket shops together for both their houses and have a fortnightly family brunch. She often also joins him on his days with the dcs, so even though it’s ‘his’ day she’ll be there most of the time too.

Would this worry you? I suppose I’m worried that although he says he’s moved on he actually hasn’t.

FWIW I have DCs also and an excellent co-parenting relationship with their dad but don’t do things as a “family” unless it’s a special occasion

How old are the DC? If they are very young I could understand this a little more however it does sound as if they haven't disengaged from each other. I fear you could just be someone to fill in with, especially if he prioritises his time with her. The children if primary aged or above must feel confused.

What were her reasons for the separation?

They are 11 and 9.

I’m not sure her reasons for leaving (sounds like they grew apart but I think she had an EA at some stage too but don’t know that for a fact). It does sound like their relationship fell apart mutually but I also know he was devastated when they split (he was a friend of a friend so I saw that from a distance I suppose)

I think it is too much time together. Food shopping together? 🤔. I could understand the family brunch once a fortnight to show the kids that they still get on and to discuss things but everything else isn't appropriate.

They separated for a reason and a year on are basically still acting like a family. Does she know about you?

For me, that’s too great a level of attachment. I feel a bit sorry for the kids in a weird way as there’s a blurring of the lines there

From what you’ve written I do not think that you are being unreasonable to be concerned about this dynamic. I can understand the need to spend some time together as a family with the children on some occasions. However, given the frequency it seems like this is a rule rather than an exception. I must say, I see no justification for doing grocery shopping together.
If it is concerning you, you should discuss this with your partner. I have no idea what he would say, but surely he deserves the chance to respond.

She knows I exist but no details (who I am, my name etc)

I’ve tried to bring it up - he said he wants to be a good Dad and it’s important for the kids to do all those things together. And I want him to feel like a good Dad too.

But still. Me and my ex barely even go in each other’s homes but maybe that’s just us.

food shops together is bizarre- Im all for keeping things civil, joint meals etc for the kids but no this is odd. Id step out of this situation pronto.

I'd be running OP.
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I think this goes beyond keeping it civil for kids. I would end the relationship.

If you’ve brought the subject to your partners attention and he doesn’t want to create some boundaries – which would be a help to everyone I would think, then I think you need to ask yourself whether this is the relationship that you want. The situation doesn’t seem as if it is going to get any better anytime too soon.

This is beyond civil. ExH and I are very friendly, amicable split last October one DD aged 8. He has DD Wed evening, Friday overnight and every other weekend. We sometimes eat a McDonalds together or offer one another a coffee at a kid drop off. He borrowed my car the other day as it is much bigger than his and he and DD wanted to go buy a sofa from ikea. He is like a casual friend.

I would not go shopping with him or spend the day with him. I divorced him because he got on my nerves!!! If I was you I'd run for the hills on this one!

I should also mention that unless he takes your feelings on board and modifies his behaviour and owns it you will never feel secure, namely as either him, the ExW or DCs will see you as the agent of splitting the family further apart.

Even though YANBU as his arrangement at present is weird.

It looks like he wants her back.

It's only been 4 months for you so I'd cut my losses and move on.

I'd say he probably wants her back. I agree doing things together is nice for the children but things like food shopping together is not needed. Sorry, OP. Cut your losses and leave.

Well considering she had an EA and ended it, you'd think she would back off a bit and let him move on. It doesn't seem like either of them wants to so if I were you, I would walk away. Find someone that is capable of doing their food shop without their ex wife holding their hand!

He's still living his family life with her OP. Sorry

They are still a family and he still wants to be with her. I couldn’t even begin to try to understand her motivation for wanting to spend all this time with him if she left him. Are you sure they’ve even actually split up op?

I was expecting you to say kids were much younger which I could just about understand. But 11 and 9! I’m afraid that is a little odd... More importantly though it’s about how YOU feel. My bf sees quite a lot of his ex because his kids are 5 and 3 and she was wanting to tag along sometimes on HIS weekends but when I said I felt uncomfortable with that he put barriers in place with ex straight away. I get along with my ex and we sometimes have Sunday evening meal together as a 4 with kids to show them we still get on fine but certainly no food shopping together! Or days out ...

Thanks all. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks it’s odd

Nah that's weird.
She don't need to go shopping with him or spend time around his house? Especially if the kids are 11&9 they know about the split but still see them together?
How odd she doesn't know your name or anything... I'd say there is an 80% chance they're still sleeping together but I could be wrong but it's weird!

Sounds like they are mates which care about each other ... kind of reminds of me housemates. I wouldn't over think it.

Sounds like his relationship with her isn't completely over. It's too much in my opinion and i would not be comfortable with it. If i really liked him, I'd tell him to contact me when he's available for a real relationship with me, and not still playing house with the ex.

I've been separated from my husband for nearly 11 years and we get on extremely well, when we lived closer to each other and before my second child started nursery, I stayed round there a lot, he has always been good with my other child and we've done various things together before.

But not on a schedule like this. This sounds a bit much and yeah maybe it works for them and is genuinely innocent, but before I met my XH I had eight months with someone who was very close to his ex who he had kids with, and it hurt but it was obvious after a while that she would always mean more than I did.

Perhaps a bit of distance to see how things go, see if he's genuinely that interested in having you around.

I think they spend a lot of time together and more than I'd be happy with.

It's not worth discussing as he's made it clear he likes it and feels it makes him a good dad. I'd extricate myself from the relationship.

Supermarket shopping together is rather odd to me in their situation.

Out of interest...how do you think he'd feel if you spent this amount of time with your Ex...dinner.. shopping...etc