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Original poster

Partner being called dad

22 replies

NozyStar · 02/09/2019 11:45

Name changed for this

So my ex is my 2 DC dad. He doesn't really get involved and when he doesn't have any effort with them. He has his own baby so I understand he can't always have them as he's a single dad. On Friday he fetched my Ds1 from school he hit him. So I said I'm reporting him as this is twice he has hit one of them and not to ask if he can have them. Also he isnt interested in DS2. He said it was a drunken mistake (me and him weren't together when he was conceived). I reported him to social services as I'm worried his baby is in danger. He then messaged me saying what did you do that for and that he's taking me to court so he can be main parent and he said he will win because he did It before (but his babies mother did drugs)

So the problem is my eldest has autism and yesterday he called DP dad. We both felt awkward because no one told him that he is his dad. And if my ex finds out he will say we told him. But we aren't bothered by him as we have a good chance at winning as we have the messages he has sent and he has sent abusive messages to my eldest before which I have took pictures of before blocking him on his phone.

But I'm not sure what to do as son is calling him dad as he's been a good father model to him and he is better than his real dad has ever been.

Does anyone have any advice? Or been in this situation

OP posts:
Sooverthemill · 02/09/2019 11:50

Your DP isn't your child's father. As at present his birth father is still in his life it's probably not appropriate for your partner to be called dad. Your other information is a bit confusing so I just want to suggest you make sure social services are involved and you get good legal advice.

Original poster
NozyStar · 02/09/2019 11:59

We were together when DS1 was born but then we split up when he was about 20 months and when DS2 was conceived ex was saying he wanted me back but now he says he's a drunken mistake.

I got with partner over 2 years ago and we have a little boy born in October 2018 so he's now almost 1.

Ex hit DS2 when he saw him earlier this year (when he said to me he doesn't want anything to do with him). And he hit DS1 on Friday for no reason.

OP posts:
Sooverthemill · 02/09/2019 12:07

He's violent and you need to take action. However he is their biological father. But what is it you are actually asking?

BumbleBeee69 · 02/09/2019 12:10

he can have two Dads right, Step Dad figure and bio Dad.. let him call him whatever he pleases.

However, why is Dad still allowed contact whilst hitting his Son ???? Flowers

elizalovelace · 02/09/2019 12:13

Your DP isn't your DC Dad, they have their own Dad even if he is a crap one. As put 'DP' in your post so guessing you aren't even married to him, so even less appropriate for DC to call him Dad as he is not even your husband.

Original poster
NozyStar · 02/09/2019 12:13

The first time he said he wouldn't do it again but didn't want to be involved with Ds2

He doesn't usually pick up son from school or see him very often But I asked him to pick up son from school because Ds2 had an appointment and partner was working away and got back yesterday.

OP posts:
Madmilkmaid · 02/09/2019 12:14

My dc called my dp dad. He kindly explained to dc that he loved him, would look after him and make sure he was OK but that he already had a daddy. That he was just an extra person in his life to love and care for him.

I think that as his dad is still in his life that you shouldn't let da call your dp his dad.

You are right to have contact ss btw

RoyalCat · 02/09/2019 12:23

My son is also autistic and he's 13. My DP isn't his "real" dad but he's been in my son's life since he was 7 and after about the 3rd or 4th meeting he was calling him dad.

My ex (his "real" dad) was basically just a sperm donor and isn't on the scene, hasn't seen me or son since son was a baby, wouldn't recognise son if he saw him in the street and if he came and asked to be involved we would tell him no.

My son sees DP as his dad and I do. And he is his dad.

And to pp we aren't married.

Original poster
NozyStar · 02/09/2019 12:50

I don't think son would understand if partner told him he isnt his dad

He told me that I shouldn't have called SS because he wouldn't do anything to hurt his son.

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 02/09/2019 13:00

I’m not sure what your asking. Of course you correct him as your dp isn’t his dad.

FuriousVexation · 02/09/2019 13:12

Let your child lead on this.

My DSS started calling me mum within about 6 months of me and his dad moving in together. (His mum walked away when he DSS was 3 to be with a man who was later convicted of possessing images of child abuse.)

I have never asked him to call me mum. But as he is now mid 20s and has lived with me for 20-odd years and I've been there for every night terror, school parents evening, Helping him improve his reading and writing (dyslexia), attacks of PTSD, suicidal ideation, parent-teacher conference, family day of literally anything... Yeah. I'm more his mum than rhe narcissistic abusive bitch who happened to push him out of her birth canal.

Original poster
NozyStar · 02/09/2019 14:08

If I corrected him I don't think he would understand

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 02/09/2019 15:28

Whether he would understand or not doesn’t matter. What I mean by that is you need to find a way to explain to your son in a way he would understand. If his dad wasn’t involved at all I would say let him but he has a dad that he sees. If explaining doesn’t work then I don’t know what would to be honest. Unhelpful I know.

Original poster
NozyStar · 02/09/2019 15:49

I'm not sure how to explain to him that he isn't his dad and that he's DS3s dad but not his

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 02/09/2019 16:03

I’m not being funny but what if you and your partner break up, then will he be calling a new man dad aswell? Just keep correcting him when he says dad say “no, that is Peter” or whatever his name is.

AE18 · 02/09/2019 16:30

Don't make it your hill to die on if he just doesn't understand, just make sure you are consistent in referring to him as his step dad and reiterating that it's like having another dad but this one is a step dad.

But no need to push it if he just doesn't understand and wants to call him that in my opinion. He'll understand eventually. It's good that he has a more positive father figure in his life.

Shsjaifiekfkgkf · 02/09/2019 16:55

My eldest is autistic so I completely understand. Honestly if your partner is comfortable with being called dad then I don't see an issue, sounds like he's been more of a father figure than his bio dad anyway. Besides you can't make an autistic child do what then don't want to do so I'd be a losing battle trying to get him to stop anyway. No reason he can't call them both dad if it's what he wants

Shsjaifiekfkgkf · 02/09/2019 17:06

Also from what I've seen with my two, it's possible he's only started calling him dad because he's see you trying to get your baby to say dad, or daddy, when my youngest was born my autistic child copied the baby daily

Original poster
NozyStar · 02/09/2019 17:06

My worry is also my ex if he found out he would say I told him to start calling him dad.

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 02/09/2019 17:09

What do you have a good chance of winning.

Shsjaifiekfkgkf · 02/09/2019 17:11

Obviously I don't know where your child is on the spectrum but with mine, I know I can ask her to say things a million times and she won't, you're ex isn't a nice guy, you know you didn't tell him what to say so you shouldn't care if he believes the truth. Anyone that hits their children shouldn't get a say anyway

stoneagemum · 02/09/2019 17:21

Keep referring to your dp by their name, if dc says dad you carry on the conversation but use dp's name don't draw attention to it. Yes it harder as you have a younger dc that dad is the correct term for, but make most references to your dp his name

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