Anniversary

[itbemay]

My wedding anniversary is later in the month, 6 weeks ago I was invited to a work thing, will be good for networking, doesn't happen often and I want to attend,

I mentioned to my DH before I accepted saying night out is on the 20th, are you OK with that, DH said yes no problem, arranged to leave work early, meet a friend etc etc.

Yesterday DH said he was upset I didn't want to spend anniversary with him and he didn't realise i was out on our anniversary as he didn't realise that date was our anniversary!

We very rarely do anything, usually stay home and exchange cards, never make a big deal out of it but now because he didn't realise the significance of the date its my fault and he is being really shirty about it. Lots of cross words over weekend, with him basically emphasising that he would never have booked a night out on our anniversary etc.

I would love to celebrate with him but cant see why we can't do something the day before or after, as we never do anything anyway! Plus it feels like it is all my fault as he didn't realise the significance of the date.

I didn't put this in AIBU as I feel really sad and fed up about it as it is and couldn't face the harsh comments that sometimes come from there.

Should I cancel my night out? I really don't want to but feel so overwhelmed by it all. I would appreciate your opinions / comments as I do feel so crap about it but also angry, is it my fault he didnt realise the significance of the date?!

TIA

He's making a big deal about celebrating your anniversary when he couldn't even remember when it was. Seems a bit rich to me.

Carry on with your plans

No don't cancel your night out, just do something on the day before or after, change things up a bit and go to a restaurant or something.
He didn't even remember it was your anniversary so he is being ridiculous.

He's making a big deal about celebrating your anniversary when he couldn't even remember when it was. Seems a bit rich to me

Agreed. He’s being silly and unreasonable.

DP and I often have to celebrate our anniversary on a different date, depending on when the DCs are with their other parents or if either of us has a regular evening commitment on the actual night. FGS even little kids manage to have birthday parties on the weekend before/after their birthday and don’t moan about it. What a man child.

Is he usually a dick about you going out? It seems like he’s trying to stop you from going to this event even though he’s not really offering you a decent alternative - sitting at home exchanging cards doesn’t seem like a good reason to miss out on a fun and useful night out.

Is this normal for him when you make plans to do something?

Is it a significant milestone anniversary?

You told him the date and he didn't click on. That's his problem.
You even asked if he was ok with it which isn't something you have to do.

wow thank you for your replies, I actually feel so relieved that I am not being awful.

@Shoxfordian i did try and say this to him but he replied with - I just wouldn't have booked a night out on our anniversary

@madcatladyforever that was what I suggested, we could celebrate the day before / day after - it really wouldn't make a difference

@30to50FeralHogs he is very passive aggressive about me going out, he will always make silly comments like - oh your going out with work, and how he wouldn't want to spend anytime with his work friends, couldn't imagine anything worse etc etc he can be a bit of a dick if i am honest, but I am just so fed up with him making me feel awful about this.

@AmIThough not a significant anniversary at all, I agree not my bloody fault he didn't remember the date - he actually said last night I should have mentioned it and that i didn't because I was being sneaky..! and you are so right, I shouldn't even have to ask. It is normal if it impacts on him at all, he's an arse.

I really don't want to talk to him today, but i know I will have to at some point, he has sent some mundane texts trying to win me round as I was quite blunt this morning, how can I articulate all of the above to him when we do speak? He is very clever with words and I am not and he usually ends up out talking me and I really am not cancelling this night out.

Thank you all

he would never have booked a night out on our anniversary etc.

And yet, and yet, he has given a spurious ok of your plans because he didn't even recognise the date.

I get that he would rather not arrange something on your anniversary but seriously, how would he know if he doesn't check the date. Or does he rely on never organising anything to make this true, happily leaving all the onus on you ?

Who usually organises anything you do, even if you do stay at home. Is he used to you cooking an especially lovely meal? Who arranged for GP to have DC that night?

Not sure he has a leg to stand on.

How about agreeing the 'rules' around how to celebrate and him agreeing to use a diary and checking any other commitments before saying OK in future.

If you do skip the networking (which I think is a very bad idea for professional reasons ) how will he ever learn to take responsibility ?

He sounds like a dick
Why shouldn't you go out? He didn't know when your anniversary was so he clearly could have booked something else.
Do you want to stay with someone like this?

In reply to your question 'how do I open the conversation' I would start with sorry this year not turned out how you would like. What do we need to do in future to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Then keep quiet for however long it takes.

He needs to come up with a good lot of suggestions for what he will do differently and leave your actions to you.

For example Don't accept I will always ask you are you sure, it's our anniversary etc. Let him take some action. All the best

I'd say something along the lines of:

I specifically asked you if you would be ok with me going out on that date, fully expecting that you would know it's our anniversary, as you manage to buy a card every year. We also never make a big deal of our anniversary, so when you agreed that it was fine, I believed you also agreed that it's not a big deal.

I shouldn't need to ask you whether you're happy for me to go out with my friends, but I did so out of courtesy.
Each time I arrange to go out, you try to make me feel guilty which is unnecessary and unfair.

I'm going out on the 20th and we can go to the cinema and for food on 21st. You can pick the film.

Or just gaslight him and convince him your anniversary is actually the 21st 

Whatever you do don't do what @FinallyHere days - don't apologise. You have nothing to be sorry for.

@AmIThough i like that. thank you

@FinallyHere I agree with you are saying, I will apologise that things haven't turned out how he wanted them and ask what we can do going forward to ensure we are both happy... although that does feel like when he apologises for something and instead of actually saying sorry - says i'm sorry you were upset . I also work full time, have a really emotionally loaded job, that he never understands and yes I still organise most things, he does do a lot (not all) of the housework as he is self employed so has a bit more time than me. I am not going to cancel my evening out, I was for a quiet life but if I do that i'm just making things worse... I wouldn't have cooked, we likely would have got a takeout with DC so no babysitters etc needed.

@Shoxfordian in answer to this: Do you want to stay with someone like this? I am really starting to think that I don't...

Thank you all

So he's miserable.
Passive aggressive
Doesn't like you going out.
Yet you never go out together.
He tries to out speak you with clever words.
I assume doesn't take on board your comments or ideas.
Why don't you go out together more?
He sounds like a bore.
Do you have DC together?
Do you want this to be your life for the next 20-40 years???
Sounds tedious and dull.

@hellsbellsmelons it is bloody tedious and dull. We have 2 DC together, and no i don't want this life in the future, i think this incident has really upset me as I know something needs to change (him!)

Thanks all

I wouldn't be celebrating my anniversary this year OP, and I'd use the time to have a good think.

So he didn't remember the date of your anniversary.
You wouldn't have done anything anyway as you don't normally.
Now you're going out, he's suddenly upset about your anniversary.

What a dick he sounds tbh. Sounds like his sulking and passive aggressiveness usually get him what he wants.

@newme2019

What a dick he sounds tbh. Sounds like his sulking and passive aggressiveness usually get him what he wants. This is correct, sadly.

Thank you

You're the one that can change your mind about your life and whether it's what you want. He is unlikely to change

Are you sure you weren't slightly resentful and trying to make a point about your anniversary when you asked him?

Maybe you asked him using just the date and asking if he was sure because (subconsciously?) you wanted or expected him to forget.

If he had realized the significance of the date and grumbled, you might have said you didn't think he'd care as he normally doesn't make a big deal of anniversaries.
If he realized the significance of the date and was fine with it, you might have said you knew he wouldn't care because he doesn't make a big deal of your anniversary.

Since he didn't remember the date when you first asked and now he doesn't like it, you can beat him with both sticks, so to speak. He didn't realize it was your anniversary AND he doesn't want you to go out.

I'm sorry he doesn't make your anniversary feel special. 💐
In this case, though, I don't think there was a reply that wouldn't have upset you.

Perhaps he'll do better next year!

Poor guy, I ALMOST feel sorry for him. 😂😂

(40 years, and my husband is still the same way. 😕)