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Original poster

He moved on, when will it be my moment?

21 replies

Mytimeoneday · 02/09/2019 08:01

My ex is an alcoholic and during our relationship, I was screamed at a lot, anxious a lot and so we split. Essentially it was abusive though this was not every day all day. We did have happy times.

As soon as he moved out, he was dating easily and had women squabbling over him and now lives with one who is besotted with him. This is within 18months of us separating. He still drinks.

I don't begrudge him happiness because I would hate him to be sad but I have only had a few dates here and there but nothing that goes anywhere. I look fine and am friendly but I think there is the nervousness and I have set the bar high in my head about chemistry. My ex is still the same yet has found all this love and life is great for him yet my life just doesn't feel like it's moved on in that respect. I do have someone who I see casually but it's more I'm taking what I can get affection wise yet what I'm really looking for is someone to love me and see me as important in their lives.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself and wanted to moan.

OP posts:
Jesse70 · 02/09/2019 08:07

I think it's easy for alcoholics to get into relationships
Because it's easy to meet like minded people a bit like druggies they always mix with the same people and relationships start
Don't be so hard on yourself as long as your happy u don't need to be on a relationship
If u do just get online dating and start meeting people
U don't have to wait on me right coming into your life u might have to go and find him

category12 · 02/09/2019 08:09

How come you know so much about his dating 'success' ? Is it from him?

I'd stop giving him headroom and stop any contact, and focus on doing things that make you happy and feel good.

Monty27 · 02/09/2019 08:11

He's probably got a very low bar. No pun intended.
Keep doing what you're doing and you'll be fine.
Never mind what he's stooped to.
You.will.be.fine. Flowers

BumblebeeBum · 02/09/2019 08:16

Your moment is NOW!

Stop listening to your ex tell you all about his dating ‘success’. Don’t compare your truth to his lies.

And get rid of the new guy who doesn’t give you the affection you deserve. Make room for the right person at the right time and enjoy your time NOW.

You say ‘yet what I'm really looking for is someone to love me and see me as important in their lives.’ - can’t you see that’s you? You need to love yourself and see yourself as important, not see yourself in relation to these men who do not sound in any way that they deserve you.

Original poster
Mytimeoneday · 02/09/2019 08:17

I know a mutual friend who has met her and says she is infatuated and let's him do whatever he likes. My ex is handsome and will just hide the excessive drinking and play it down. Whereas I know he has a serious problem.

@category12 the first few I found was because one contacted me when she was infatuated and was angry he was seeing someone else. She told me all of it and I can believe it as I know how charming he can be. I also see his parents who casually mentioned him moving in with her.

Like I said, I don't begrudge him, it just hasn't happened for me to that extent at all. I struggled to even date till about 8 months after as it was so daunting, I just wonder when it will happen for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mytimeoneday · 02/09/2019 08:19

also my ex never rubs it in my face about his partners, he was devastated when we split as he knows it was all his fault. Its more me feeling like I did the right thing at the time for my family but I'm still alone.

OP posts:
itsabongthing · 02/09/2019 08:21

It’s quite sad though isn’t it, especially for that other women. Because as you say, you know he has a serious problem. So I wouldn’t be too envious as it doesn’t sound like it is lasting happiness for them really.

itsabongthing · 02/09/2019 08:21

And you did the right thing. Absolutely.

category12 · 02/09/2019 08:36

Stop and think about why you're worrying about getting into another relationship. It's only 18 months out of a really bad one and I think it's important to enjoy time on your own. There's more to life than dick. You gotta place high value on yourself so any guy you might choose to share your life has to really be bringing something to it.

Your ex is superficial and fickle as er something really superficial and fickle. Grin

Lweji · 02/09/2019 08:40

What category12 said.

Moving on for me is not be concerned about the ex.

You can be happy within yourself. There's no "finding hapiness" just because you're in a relationship, as you well know.

Work on being happy with and within yourself and a relationship may or may not become a part of it.

chesci · 02/09/2019 08:51

I don't think everyone does end up in a relationship as part of their life. As we get older it's much harder to find a partner. I'd more be focussed on my own happiness and if someone comes along then that's great. Perhaps you sacrificed too much of yourself the last time and over looked too much early on? I'd be more worried about that than who he is in a relationship with.

dollybooo · 02/09/2019 09:23

Op .... This .....

My ex is an alcoholic and during our relationship, I was screamed at a lot, anxious a lot and so we split. Essentially it was abusive though this was not every day all day.

No doubt the new GF will soon be getting all this shit soon enough, they may seem all happy & loved up for now, but a leopard rarely changes their spots & he will show his true colours soon enough. If she is an alcoholic too well they are made for each other then aren't they? If she isn't as alcohol dependant .... well she may well be pulling some Confused faces soon.

You are well rid of him. Enjoy the peace & quiet your new start without him & all his shit.

Everafter1 · 02/09/2019 09:59

Anyone who gets to know him long term will find out about his addiction.

If she lets him do whatever he wants that's a one way street to an unhappy life. That's got to be problematic in itself. Maybe she has low self esteem? He'll get worse without structure.

Men tend to "move on" quicker than women. I use the term loosely as I don't often believe they've moved on to a great love that's full of happiness, it's just another relationship. Women tend not to move on until they're in a better head space or found someone better suited to them.

We could all just take anyone to fill a void after a breakup but it's pointless.

Original poster
Mytimeoneday · 02/09/2019 16:01

@Everafter1 his new partner is older and I've heard she is completely besotted. He is good at saying what people want to hear. Anything that makes his life stable is fine, it's just I wish it wasn't taking so long for me.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 02/09/2019 16:29

Men aren't fussy. There are no shortage of bar flies desperate for a man.

Men don't have to worry about being murdered or beaten.
We women have to worry about things like that in a partner and if there are DC, someone that won't harm them either.

So he's not found any great love story. It's just the first one he fancied that would shag him and stroke his ego.

chesci · 02/09/2019 19:14

Whomever is telling you about her being besotted isn't much of a friend! You really need to let them know that you don't want to know.

Original poster
Mytimeoneday · 03/09/2019 17:53

@chesci it's a mutual friend and to be fair, the context was me asking how she puts up with his drinking. I just wish I could meet someone the way he so easily does, time and time again.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 03/09/2019 18:05

I agree with Category that you need to focus on yourself and try to not dwell on your ex and measure your own feeling of success against what he is doing.

That being said, just because he found someone quickly and she is 'besotted' with him doesn't raise his 'worth' in any way or make him desirable.

My exH was an abusive, narcissistic alcoholic and was constantly womanising. He was a gym buff so didnt struggle to meet women but after a few months, they would see the real him and run a mile.

The only women who remained besotted with him was an older alcoholic woman who put up with him treating her like dirt for 5 years. He was using her for her money (to buy drink) and she had such low self worth that she was willing to tolerate almost anything he dished out.

notmrscookie · 03/09/2019 19:52

I get where you are coming from..My ex already had someone on the go.. He is good looking and earns good money but he is cheating on her like he cheated on me ...5 years on they are still together spending their time between his rented flat and her home.
I have a much better relationship with myself and am so much more confident and have created a life style I am happy with .. Early days on old but I doubt I will ever fully trust anyone again...

Original poster
Mytimeoneday · 05/09/2019 18:26

I sometimes feel like that, hard to trust someone. My ex didn't cheat and we get on ok now but I just wish I could have found a loving partner so easily, well as easily as he does. However I'm going to wash this misery out of my hair and head out with friends tomorrow. There will be plenty of days to mope abort this.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 05/09/2019 18:53

I think men are far less choosy when it comes to relationships.

My barrier would be so high if I were single. I think a lot of men settle for a roof over their head, a cook and regular sex on tap.

Ignore him, you have a blank canvass, go for it Flowers

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