Am I right to be upset or am I just over reacting?

[Londongirl07]

Basically yesterday I was out with my partner and he was smoking my cigarettes and I said as I joke I just bought this pack! It’s ok you’ll have to buy me another pack tomorrow as a joke and my tone was clear it was a joke when I said about him smoking them and also buying me a new pack...when I said that to him he said how many have I bought you in the past 2 weeks and I said just 2...and I got quite upset with it he then goes when was the last time you bought me tobacco and I said about 3 weeks ago when you asked me but I don’t keep count and I didn’t think you did either. Anyway I let it pass but today I kept on thinking about it, I know it sound so so stupid but I’m just upset that it seems he’s counting what he buys me... so anyway today he came over and I said I’m a bit upset at you and he said why so I explained he walks off I try to talk to him and I said it’s just how I feel then he said oh it’s always how you feel then went off for a drive for an hour and a bit...came back and I said do you think this helps the situation? Can’t we be adults and talk about things? Don’t invalidate my feelings I am entitled to them even if they seem stupid to you and he just says to drop it. I get so angry because I can’t say what I want he will never talk things through but if I say something wrong I have to apologise but he never will,

He’s a lovely guy 99.9% of the time but when there is an issue I feel I can never talk to him.

I guess my issue is that I’m upset that it’s as if he’s counting what he buys me (not that he really does get me much tbh) and it’s like well how many times have you got me something and then the fact my feelings don’t matter and he just goes off, he’s not really empathetic.

Am I flying off the handles over this?

Well I think he had a point about the cigarettes tbh. He has bought you cigarettes. I would, in his shoes, probably be a bit relaxed about sharing yours. Back when me + DH smoked, they were essentially communal fags, regardless of which one of us bought them. Its different if someone never ever buys them and just takes and takes, but that doesnt sound like the case here.

I don’t mind sharing at all I tell him all the time you don’t have to ask just take - what’s mine is yours etc it was just a light hearted joke because he went off cigarettes and back on tobacco but yesterday decided to just smoke my cigarettes instead and I laughed and said you’re smoking all mine I just got these! You’ll have to grab me another pack tomorrow now all laughing whilst saying this...so really thought this was light hearted humour but just upset because it seems like he’s counting things. Only time I’ll ask him is if I’m stuck at home and he’s out already and I know he’s passing the shop and it’s very rare I do ask him.

This sounds sooooo silly over cigarettes lol but i felt it was as if even if i was being serious that I wasn’t asking for much...

He’s currently arguing with his ex cos she’s going on saying she buys this and that for the kids and he’s angry because she tries to make it a competition so I said you didn’t like it when she said it to you so just understand where I’m coming from but no understanding from him.

Very confusing - and hard to follow. You did start the conversation about who buys what and it escalated. Then gets confusing.
And he might just have a good memory - so remembers what he does when.

As to expressing displeasure with a bf - and saying it’s how you feel and you need to say.... In general - of course one should be able to do it.
However, if it’s too often - and constant complains about a partner - justified by ‘but it’s my feelings’ - then there comes the time when the other person tunes out.
It’s hard to say how it is with the two of you

He’s not much of an empathetic person, he says if someone is upset that’s their own fault for being upset.

It's very hard to follow and you seem to have created a fuss out of pretty much nothing.

Yeah but he clearly interpreted it as "you need to buy me a 3rd packet of cigarettes in a fortnight".

Maybe he's just sick of people talking about him buying stuff.

Like I said it’s something so silly that it’s embarrassing lol that I have probably over reacted but at the time and due to the current circumstances I just felt it was a bit wrong. He asks me to grab him stuff like I ask him just didn’t think it was a huge thing so was just a little annoyed as our relationship has never been “I’ve done this for you” or “I’ve done that for you” after nearly 3 years together.

I just needed to talk as I just have no one else to talk to about my relationship.

I think often the most well intended joke can be construed as someone trying to get a point across no matter how it is delivered. Maybe he felt that way and then was a bit peeved when hes bought you two packs recently. I don't know how much cigarettes are now but when I stopped 6 years ago they were approaching ten pounds a pack so he may have felt offended that (ad he interpreted it) you were asking him to buy yet another pack when you had smoked all the others. Particularly if finances are tight. Would you spend £30+ on him in a fortnight? My finances are tight and that would be quite a dent to me so in the same circumstances I can understand him being a bit put out. Perhaps he didnt want to talk about it because he was questioning if he was overreacting and wanted time to think about it.