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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone live with a cured alcoholic?

13 replies

wombat2 · 21/09/2004 18:24

OK, I have changed my name for this.

My dh is an alcoholic. After years of steadily increasing drinking, he has finally realised that he has a problem and is going to an alcohol counselling service this week. I know this is a really major step and I am trying to be supportive. Trouble is, I'm just not sure if he can really kick the habit. At the moment, he can drink nothing or very little for 1 or 2 days and then has to have a binge, which always results in aggressive, abusive behaviour. After years of this, I just don't think I can take much more. I've been having counselling for over a year, which has given me the strength to confront him a little, but it is still difficult to challenge him. He lost his job over a year ago, partially due to his drinking and poor sickness record.

I am just wondering if there's anyone with a positive story to tell - ie has anyone's partner come through this and gone back to their former self? If so, how long did it take? Do they still drink at all or have they given up completely? Sorry for all the questions, but I'm just not sure what to expect. Thanks in advance

OP posts:

bundle · 21/09/2004 18:27

wombat2, have no experience of this, but have you tried al-anon which provides support for families of problem drinkers?

merrygoround · 21/09/2004 18:48

It is probably impossible to predict what will happen with your dp wombat2, as there are so many factors involved with a person's relationship to alcohol. Al anon would help you to focus on YOUR needs - I found it very educational and supportive, and of course there are positive stories that you would hear if you went to a meeting that might reassure you.

I am not sure that my dp was (or indeed is) an alcoholic(I was convinced he was for a while) and find the word itself very difficult to define, but after kicking him out earlier this year he now has new (much reduced) drinking habits which made our relationship more feasible. BTW my mumsnet name was from a brilliant AL ANon leaflet which explained how partners and friends and even employers can sometimes feed into a drinking habit without realising it. I did have some problem accepting the whole Al Anon approach as it seemed a bit passive, and I was more into ending the relationship, but I still found the meetings one of the most positive things I'd ever gone to.

I wish you lots of strength and hope that your partner is able to help himself. One last thing, I have a good girlfriend who described herself as an alcoholic and who went to AA meetings, and is able to drink in moderation now. I am not certain that total abstinence is the ONLY way for everyone.

Original poster

wombat2 · 21/09/2004 21:50

Thanks bundle and merrygoround - my life certainly feels a bit like one at the moment. It's encouraging that your dp has had some success with cutting back and good to hear about your friend too. I've not been to Al-Anon as there wasn't a local group and I have to rely on dh for childcare which is not really possible in the evenings if he is drinking. I'm sure it would be useful though.

He is behaving really weirdly this evening, better go now before he catches me writing this. Thanks again, would be grateful for any more comments from anyone!

OP posts:

colinsmommy · 21/09/2004 22:14

When I married my DH, I was so happy to get out of the situation I was in, I ignored his alcohol problem. All of his grandparents were alcoholics, his dad doesn't drink because he is one, and his mom won't admit she is one. He wasn't horrible or anything, and thank goodness he didn't drive when he'd had too much. But it still ate me up inside. He realized this after a few months of marriage, and said he would stop. He never got professional help or anything, though. He didn't drink for a very long time, and I could see how hard it was for him. You could just look at his face and see that he "needed" a drink. Then eventually that "need" was gone. He's been having an occasional beer or 2 for several years now, with no problems. He never admitted he "had" to have a drink until later when that need was gone, and he now says that feeling just isn't in him anymore, which I truly believe, since I could always tell when it was there. I sometimes wonder if he was an alcoholic, because I didn't think they were able to drink, but like merrygoround said, maybe some can.

merrygoround · 22/09/2004 11:41

Hi again Wombat2. Thinking of you and wondering how you are feeling. Wanted to mention that I THINK you can access Al Anon on line??? I seem to remember someone on here giving me that info when I posted back in the dark days of March this year. I'm not sure where I put them, but I should still have the leaflets I got from Al Anon - if you like I could send them to you (discreetly of course).

noddy5 · 22/09/2004 11:59

Alcoholics are never able to drink as they will inevitably end up drunk.My dp gave up drinking 11 years ago with the help of AA and he has never looked back,we are so happy and he says his whole life opened up when he gave it up.I would be very surprised if any counsellor advocated moderation as this is impossible in the case of a true alcoholic.You can have a different life and people we know now can't believe he ever drank alcohol and on the occasions when we have been out to pubs my ds says he thinks daddy would look silly in a pub.If only he knew he used to virtually live there!Feel free to contact me

boughtthetshirt · 22/09/2004 12:48

Hi wombat 2,
My DH is a "recovering" alcoholic. I don't believe there is such a thing as a cured alcoholic or one who can drink in moderation. DH has not had a drink now for more than 7 years. Life has been much better since. He was never abusive, physically or verbally but he used to binge then crash out, wet the bed etc. Life was pretty unbearable and if he was to go back to that I don't think I'd be able to stay with him this time. But yes, there can be a positive ending. Good luck.

JuniperDewdrop · 22/09/2004 16:07

My brother has been dry for 4 years now but it took my SIL kicking him out to make him do it. They live over the road from one another now and get on fantastically. He goes to AA almost daily for the support though. If you'd met him in his drinking days you'd never believe he'd stop. He isn't 'cured' but I doubt he'll go back to it.
Best wishes to you and your family xx

Original poster

wombat2 · 22/09/2004 22:55

Thanks so much for your messages - I feel at the moment that I can't take much more, which seems harsh given that he is about to start getting some help. After last night (more drunken chaos, I didn't get to sleep till after 2am), really feel like I want him to leave. He is such a Jekyll and Hyde - very decent, nice when sober and an absolute nightmare when drunk. He really needs help and he needs it soon - it makes me so sad to see him like this. But at a certain point I am going to reach my limit (not far off...)

Thanks for the info about Al-Anon - I will look online. As my dh is around a lot in the day, I don't think it's a good idea to send the leaflets as he sometimes opens my post - thanks very much for the offer though . I do think he is an alcoholic, as he is so dependant on it, drinks almost daily and gets very moody and difficult if he goes without for more than a few days. I think he is definitely someone who will need to give up totally as he just has no self-control once he has started. Fingers crossed that his counselling will work.

OP posts:

Arabica · 23/09/2004 12:25

Hi Wombat2, after a serious ultimatum from me, my DH has been sober for the last 2-3 months with the support of a group called 'Adult children of alcoholics' which is also a 12-step programme like Alcoholics anonymous and al-anon, but which he feels tackles the underlying cause of his drinking. It's good so far, for both of us. I'm not a member of a support group but I am seeing a therapist which I feel is giving me the support I need. Best of luck to you.

MeanBean · 24/09/2004 21:33

Wombat2, I've just seen this thread. I have a friend who used to be an alcoholic but has been dry for about 10 years, who lives with another recovering alcoholic who has been dry for just over 10 years. Neither of them has drunk any alcohol in all that time.

I also had a friend who was a doctor, who used to work with alcoholics and drug users, and she said that statistically, roughly a third of alcoholics always remain dependent on drink and never recover, a third recover and never drink again, and a third recover to such an amazing extent that they are able to go on and drink normally. BUT - she did say that of the latter group, they need to be dry for at least a couple of years and solve the other problems that led to their alcoholism in the first place, before this could be achieved.

It really can happen - two thirds recover to one degree or another, that's the overwhelming majority. Get in touch with Al-Anon, they'll give you really valuable support. Good luck!

sck · 29/09/2004 14:41

Is that 1/3 of all alchoholics, or 1/3 of those who seek help?

I recall hering some 10 or 20 years ago that something like only 10% of alchoholics seek help. The rest go on drinking... and eventually die from some related complication.

sck · 29/09/2004 14:47

wombat2, I think you should go to al-anon for yourself. You are sick too now. He is the one who drinks, but you are living with it. I also think it is nothing to be ashamed of. You should tell your p that you are going. That you can't take it anymore, and that you are getting help for you.

I grew up in a family where alcoholism ran rampid. I am farmiliar with Al-anon, Adult children, AA, and so on... It saved my sanity as a teenager. I haven't been in years, but I do remember one of the first thing you will hear is that you are powerless over alcohol. That is a very tough one to digest when are so used to being the one who has to fix everything.

OMG, I could go on and on and on... But, enough said. There is light, and Al Anon is a good place. "Take what you like, and leave the rest."

Good luck! :-)

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